Do I break up with my bf over cat?

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My boyfriend and I have been together a year and it has been an extremely rocky relationship. My cat, we’ll call him D, began to hate my boyfriend around the time I looked after my mums puppy (the puppy wanted to play with D but D hated the puppy as it would jump on top of him etc, a learning curve for myself. D will never be in that situation again).

But around this time, I had told my boyfriend repeatedly to stop picking D up and stop winding him up etc. My boyfriend has been used to dogs in the past so I brushed it off thinking he meant no harm.

D hasn’t been the same since and this was 4 months ago. He shows his belly to visitors all the time, wants all the belly rubs in the world, but he is a shell of himself while my boyfriend is here.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend blew his nose at an almighty volume while D was in the bathroom. I think louder than he usually does too. About 30 minutes afterwards I went in and D was cowered in the corner, unresponsive to even me and didn’t want anyone or anything near him. It looked like he was really unwell, acting this way when my boyfriend picked him up in the past too. I said to my boyfriend not to do that while D is in the bathroom, but he didn’t really take it seriously, instead getting a little defensive, saying “he didn’t think”.

He said it was funny when he sneezed, to which I said no it absolutely is not, D was petrified, so my boyfriend changed to saying D’s jump when he sneezed was funny. He then pretended to chase my cat, and my cat bolted away terrified.

But me and my boyfriend recently split up, and D was back to his usual self, even when my boyfriend came back (we split up because he wasn’t working and I paid for everything for the first year, but he has just got a job), until yesterday.

But yesterday, before I went to work, D was purring like mad being the goodest boy. Then I come in from work and D is watching my bf’s every movement, looking absolutely terrified and his spirit, gone. I then noticed scratches on my boyfriends hand, which I have noticed in the past too and bf has brushed it off with a reasonable excuse, like picking berries etc. but this time, he said “I don’t know, I hit my hand off doors and stuff all the time”, I really didn’t believe him though.

My boyfriend is a jealous person and 100% has rage issues. When we argue he will get in my face, insult etc. he has also assaulted a neighbour while drunk across the street, because he kept playing music really loud. The guy is a small guy while my boyfriend is a big guy. I can deal with this because if he did hit me I’d leave immediately, I don’t think he would do that, but I’m not willing to let him terrorise my cat. I don’t believe that he’s hitting my cat, but I do believe he’s winding him up and trying to overpower him or something. I don’t know. He 100% knows winding D up is wrong at this point though. I threw him out yesterday and now he’s making out I’m mentally ill and all sorts of things, I do have issues but he certainly does too. Am I overreacting? Help pls

Get rid of the boyfriend. He’s likely hurting your cat. He also sounds like an arse. The boyfriend. Not your cat.

My boyfriend is a jealous person and 100% has rage issues

This is the main reason you need to dump him, being horrible to your cat is just a bonus reason to throw this one back in * *

Your cat sees the (not so) hidden side of your boyfriend. Listen to what he's telling you about the man.

I have personal experience, plus I worked in animal rescue for a long time; those aren't red flags, that's a whole bloody parade. Your boyfriend is deliberately antagonising and upsetting your cat. That's where the scratches are from. If you ever have children they're next. He's already verbally abusive and gaslighting you, plus he financially abused you for a year and has form for violence.

Your cat knows best. My second husband could charm a cat from the trees, literally. He was known in my neighbourhood as the cat man. My first husband scared my dog. Guess which man treated me and our son badly, and which one treated me and my son like a queen and her prince?

You got it. Not the dog terrorising biological father, but the cat whisperer.

Dump the boyfriend, thank your cat.

I think you misunderstood what @Thatladdo wrote.

To rephrase it... It would be unreasonable to get rid of a partner because of a cat's behaviour. Unless the behaviour was caused by the partner.

There is a clear reason why the cat has behavioural problems. The reason is the prick boyfriend.

He hurts your cat.
He’s jealous with a rage problem.
He assaults people.

The very suspicion of the first would end thing’s immediately. Even if you don’t find people like him repulsive (I do) be careful around him he sounds really nasty.

we split up because he wasn’t working and I paid for everything for the first year, but he has just got a job

My boyfriend and I have been together a year and it has been an extremely rocky relationship

My boyfriend is a jealous person and 100% has rage issues. When we argue he will get in my face, insult etc. he has also assaulted a neighbour while drunk across the street, because he kept playing music really loud

Here are three red flags to start with. You should leave your bf for those reasons even if you didn't have a cat.

And then there's the problem with your cat. I think bf is terrorizing/teasing the cat when you are not there and manhandling it in some way which has resulted in the cat scratching him.
Your cat is terrified - poor animal.
Cat recognizes that bf is a complete and utter ass hole. In my experience cats are extremely good judges of character.

As others have said get rid.

Cats are amazing judges of character. I have two myself and they will tell you how they are feeling, what they want, who they like and who they don’t. My cats don’t love everyone but like most cats are curious and will come and see whoever is visiting and if you visit often enough they will deign to let you stroke them. Your cat is screaming get away every way it can. Listen to your cat and get shot of him.

Take the cat elements out of your op, and he still sounds an awful boyfriend that most of us would say ditch as fast as you can. Add the cat bits in too and it’s a case of why on earth are you even questioning your own judgement?

Run. Run fast.

In kids, it’s a well recognised pipeline from violence to / dismembering / killing animals (large and small) to significant violence and murder of people

I think he’s been a shit to your cat, and I’d imagine it wouldn’t take much to move to next level with you

Between that, his rage issues, how he’s been with your neighbour etc, I’d be dumping and blocking him

Cat notwithstanding, he sounds like a gaslighting cunt. No doubt he’ll be live bombing you soon. Tell him to get to fuck.

hes an abusive arsehole animals are better judge of people than us

You say you've been together for a year, but later you say you split up as he spent the first year not working, did he move in really quick, he sounds like a cocklodger, the animal cruelty is worse. I always say you can have a relationship without living together, but I would just dump him.

I paid for everything for the first year, but he has just got a job.

You lost me at this point. Bin the fucker.

The guy is getting a kick out of how terrified your cat is. He's tormenting him. I would put money on the fact he has physically hurt the cat too

When I was at Uni, my then boyfriend used to stay over at my place quite a lot. Many times, he would be alone in my flat - with my cat. My cat wasn’t particularly fond of him, seemed to avoid him and bf usually got quite nasty with him if he did something ‘wrong’ whereas I was the ‘soft’ one but I never thought anything of it, until one day I walked in my room and saw a pile of cat shit on the side of my boyfriend slept.

My cat had never ever done anything like that. Ever. I quickly cleaned everything up and didn’t say a word to the boyfriend as he would probably get nasty with my cat. I figured it was a one off - until a few months later he did the exact same thing. Shit on my boyfriend’s side of the bed.

Took this as a sign and dumped the loser. Obviously, it wasn’t the only reason, but the fear I felt as I tried to make sure sure he didn’t find out what my cat had done made me realise what my life would be like if I kept him around and I suspect he was hurting, mistreating my cat when I wasn’t around.

Dump him OP. Imagine your cat was your child.

It's very simple, Op. Your beautiful moggy has been conditioned to expect pain, fear, and suffering when your scumbag ex is around.

He has done terrible things to that cat that you don't know about. The cat has tried to defend himself the only way he can- by scratching.

The scumbag ex thought it was funny when he (100% intentionally) made a very loud noise that petrified your poor moggy.

If this is what he feels comfortable doing while you're around, imagine the abuse your feline companion endures when left alone with this dickwad.

He is the lower than the lowest lifeform on earth. Ringworm is more preferable than this disgusting abuser.

Keep yourself and your cat safe, don't let him back into your life. It will not end well.

Well done for getting rid and I hope you’ve had enough reassurance from this thread to feel rock solid in that decision.

And well done for making the connection between your step father and your tolerance for mistreatment. There’s a very interesting theory about abuse called The Shark Cage Metaphor that’s worth a google. In a nutshell, if you’re in shark infested waters, inside a shark cage they can’t bite you. But if there are bars missing in your cage they can get through. What we learn in childhood about relationships forms our cage, and if we haven’t seen good relationships there are bars missing. It explains why some people spot the red flags easily while others let these sharks get too close.

What many people don’t understand is that when you’ve suffered, it’s almost painful to be around people who haven’t. A difficult childhood makes us more attracted to difficult people, not less. It’s incredibly hard to reset these patterns by yourself. The Freedom Programme, mentioned by another PP is a good shout as it helps to identify the red flags when our experiences have rendered us colour blind.

You’re a good person op (I know because your cat thinks so) and you deserve to find good and decent people to walk life’s path with. This one was a wrong ‘un but you can absolutely do better.

why are you even asking?

You cat has been abused in your absence. His behaviour is a very clear sign of that. I have a rehomed pet who was abused in the first years of his life. His behaviour is exactly like what you have described in your cat. People did horrible, horrible things to him.

You have already let your cat down and let him be abused. There is no point talking about how you would never let that happen. It has already happened. However, what's done is done and with love and patience your cat will be okay. Let this be a learning moment for you for what you will allow and not allow in a relationship, and who you will let into your home and life.

Sounds like your car is an excellent judge of character.

Get rid, he’s an arsehole

Your cat is a better judge of character than you are. Your boyfriend is a dickhead who seems to enjoy upsetting the cat and upsetting you.

He was absolutely deliberately hurting, terrorising and torturing your cat when you weren't looking - and very probably when you were with pinches (the 'I'm just cuddling him, why is he trying to get away?' type of shit).

You're totally in the right to get rid of him for that, never mind the violent prick stuff he also did.

I'm so glad he's your ex. He has abused you cat and you've been a brilliant cat mum in picking up on what your cat has been telling you.

All I will say now is that in future you should set your personal standards higher than simply not being hit. Even before you realised he hurt your cat he should have been sacked off.
Getting in your face trying to be intimidating, and throwing personal insults is not part of a healthy, loving relationship. It wasn't rocky, it was abusive.
I hope you can see that, and demand better from future relationships.

Urgh get rid of this abusive asshole!! OP, normal people would be quite upset if they had upset someone’s pet by accident. The fact your cat is frightened, avoiding him and this asshole man seems to find it all amusing is a NO! Imagine having a baby with this horrible twat, would he find it funny to upset them for a reaction too?! Protect your sweet cat and get rid of this loser!! (I say this as a non cat person too! But I can’t stand animal abusers). I actually feel quite sick about the scratches on his hand. What has your poor cat been dealing with?! :(

Dump the boyfriend. Something very very wrong there. He is clearly abusing the cat when you aren't there.