Interested in opinions on how you think is fair to split costs here.
I've lived with DP nearly 2 years, in his house (mortgaged, his sole name).
I'm child free by choice, he has one school age DC, with 50/50 custody with the mother. They coparent well and share costs reasonably fairly. Both parents fully involved, and their wider families. After school clubs are available and used, so he has time to work FT hours.
DP & I have been together nearly 4 years, but were friends for ages before that, then FWB then FWB & house sharing, then sort of a relationship. We keep separate rooms which we sleep in 95% of the time.
[Might not be usual but works for us, don't need comments on that aspect thanks.]
I say "sort of" because when I've tried to get clarification about long term intentions, he says he loves me and wants this to be long term etc, but isn't good at making any future plans or saying what that would look like. He's being assessed for ADHD, which is probably relevant to the lack of forward planning. So I still think of myself basically as a single adult rather than part of a family.
I earn a lot more than he does, currently probably about 4x, could be more if I worked full time.
He owes me nearly £50k, because I agreed to pay off various debts of his. We have legal agreements on this, but he's not yet been in a position to pay any of it back. He would only be able to pay me back in full in the foreseeable future if he sold the house.
He did have bad anxiety for a while, and I was ok with supporting him financially and emotionally with this for an extended period. But he's been sufficiently recovered such that he could have gotten a job for about 9 months now.
He does some freelance work in 2 main fields, but this doesn't bring in enough to cover his costs, and doesn't take more than 10-15hrs/week total.
He's agreed for months that he should get a FT job, but doesn't really apply to many, and is quite selective about what he will apply for. At this point I think he should take any job, and then work to improve it from there.
I was paying 50% of the mortgage to him as "rent", and buying all of the groceries. He pays house bills, which are the same as the monthly groceries cost for 3 of us. He quite often has to borrow extra money from me or his family to cover these costs.
I've also paid for significant improvements to the house, and there are more that should be done before winter.
He doesn't waste money or spend on things he can't afford, he's just not bringing enough in to cover his essential costs, let alone any extras.
For example, we manage only about 1 date night every few months, and I always pay for all of it. Which I wouldn't mind so much if he organised some of it, but I do that too, or it doesn't happen.
I'm getting pretty annoyed at his laissez-faire attitude to working and being able to cover his own costs.
I can afford it, but since I don't feel part of a family with him and there haven't been any moves towards any kind of long term commitment (not marriage, just agreements on what we want, what the future might look like and so on), I don't really see why I should.
It's also off-putting for the long term that he doesn't seem to think it's a priority to earn enough. He hates feeling the imbalance between us, but doesn't do anything to fix it. I don't need him to earn the same, I'd be fine if he got a job and worked a reasonable number of hours for a reasonable salary, but it annoys me when he doesn't work much and can't cover his costs, and there's no urgency to his job searching.
I have now said that I'm not going to pay rent anymore and instead I'll deduct that monthly amount from the money he owes me.
I'm hoping that will increase the urgency of the job hunt.
So:
- AIBU to stop paying rent and instead deduct it from the debt he owes me?
- How should finances be split here?
3.AIBU to think that if he doesn't step up soon financially I probably ought to get my own place & entirely separate our finances?
Love to hear everyone's thoughts in general. Thanks.