Don't know how to handle pessimistic, defeatist colleague. Please help!

[patiencepleaseplease]

I line manage someone at work and it's becoming the toughest part of my job.

This person is unhappy in their role and feels unvalued. The root of this feeling is because her original department was closed six years ago and she transferred to a similar but not identical position. There is a lot of bitterness about the department closing. She has reached the top of her current job path, so the only way to earn more money is to gain a qualification.

We meet once a fortnight, and every time, she talks about the department closing and how she needs more money and something to feel valued, but can't tell me what would help.

I have put her on training courses (in subject areas she chose) but she has said they're a waste of her time and stressful. Twice, she 'forgot' about the courses and didn't attend, despite reminders from me and it being on her personal calendar. We still had to pay for those courses despite her not attending.

I have organised additional coaching and mentoring for her, but it doesn't seem to be making any difference. She complains that any goals I set for her are either dull (i.e. part of her job) or too hard. I've asked her to come to meetings with ideas for her own development, but she arrives and just shrugs and says 'I don't know.'

It feels like she just wants me to give her more money, but that's not possible as the pay scales are fixed.

I am at the end of my tether. I feel like telling her to just leave if she's so unhappy, but that feels unreasonable!

Any ideas?

Is it unreasonable though? Maybe it's time to have that discussion? This is the job, there will be no more money unless she engages with the training which she doesn't seem to want to do. She seems unhappy, there's nothing else you can do to support her. Maybe it's time for her to consider her choices?

Haha this sounds like me <ponders if you are my manager>

Can you just give up and accept she is unhappy? Not everyone likes their job. It doesn’t seem like there is much more you can do, and she seems set to not do anything g to change her situation.

If she is performing in her role satisfactorily, just let her be privately unhappy.

Six years ago? Jeezo. I think you need to go down the route of a performance plan to be honest, not pitching up for training is a disciplinary issue. As for her telling you what she'd like to do, no - you are her manager, you tell her what you expect from her, and if she doesn't want to do that, she leaves.

Or take her out for a coffee and an "off the record" talk where you basically need to lay out that the department which closed SIX YEARS AGO is not going to re-open and that she better get over herself because if not, you'll manage her out.

She is surely aware that she has hit the glass ceiling re salary? Then a formal discussion re next steps ie the qualification. A reminder that she will need this to progress within her career might be useful-send her notes so she can’t claim she was unaware.

When she missed the training courses, what happened? Was she not given warnings? Did she just go to work or stay off on those days?

Edit: bugger me, you lot type fast and I’ve repeated everyone’s ideas! 😢

Oh OP that sounds so difficult

I'd put the ball a bit more in her court. State what you've tried and when, in person, and in writing. Tell her more money is not avaliable for reasons you've stated above.

Offer employee assistance scheme for counselling if you're firm has that option

If employee assistance is not an option or does not help shift her thinkingI'd genuinely say that we have really tried but as a firm there is not a lot more we can do.....have you thought of finding a different role either internally or externally?

Then I'd take a step back as sounds like you've really tried and employee wants to continue to be a victim

@Autocadlove , maybe! :) But genuinely, if you feel the same way, what do YOU think will help yourself?

@Thisisveryhard, she's doing okay in her role, but constantly moaning and complaining to anyone she can bend the ear of, which is having a negative impact on the team.

@NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers, I like the way you phrased it. Thank you... I don't want her to feel like I'm pushing her out.

It sounds like you’re a good manager and done all you can. It’s really up to her to take responsibility for driving her career if she wants to progress. If she’s performing her own role ok I’d just stop engaging with her re further development and definitely wouldn’t book any more courses. I’d also shut down any further discussions re a department closure from 6 years ago. Some people like to just be unhappy and moan.

Well I'm hoping to quit to get away from my toxic manager! In fact I have actual dread in my body right now about work tomorrow.

I don't constantly moan or complain. Nobody knows how I actually feel.

It's a shame that we grow up thinking that work = self worth

Are you in the public sector? (Closing depts and fixed pay scales make me think you might be). If so, do you have expected behaviours as part of your performance management process? They can be very useful in handling people like this when they realise that their attitude and how they do their job will be considered in their PDR or whatever you use.

Also have a look at the Change Curve. It sounds like she hasn’t made her way through it with regard to the closure of her old department and is trying to wish things back the way they were. You might be able to help her move on with some coaching on change. Ultimately though, with some people like this, the only way they can move on is by leaving, and if through frank discussion and the coaching I describe she can’t commit to changing her attitude and commitment to her role, then encouraging her to look elsewhere is a kindness and a way to help her consider developing her career.

If she's pissing people off with her negativity and missing training she's requested it's moving into disciplinary territory. I think you need to be firmer with her. Six years of whining and no personal action to resolve it isn't great. You're being kind and it sounds like you've gone above and beyond but it's not really helping her or the business.

Time for honesty on your part. This can’t continue. She needs to train or think about where this leave her, I would tell her she has a week to have a good think and then you’ll create a performance plan. All the moaning and slagging off the department t, not attending training - these are disciplinary matters and you can’t keep shielding her.

The fact the employee cant be arsed to say what they want to do and critically, miss courses that you assigned says to me she needs to be managed out.

Find the guidance on this, explain the costs to the business due to her bullshit forgetfulness - explain she needs to come to the next meeting with a reasonable development plan of her choosing.

If she fails, her conduct is therefore considered misconduct. Formalise a personal improvement plan. If theres no change, kick her to the kerb.

People like this are fucking time and oxygen thieves that wallow in self pity yet do fuck all to help themselves. Only real solution is to fuck her off.

Thanks everyone, maybe I have been too soft in the hopes that it would be supportive.

I forgot to mention that she has had support from our employee assistance programme already, and she had a written warning following the second missed course. These courses were held after work hours, for which she was meant to claim overtime, so obviously she didn't claim.

Yes, it's public sector.

She's been whining on about this for SIX YEARS? She could have retrained, done a degree and been in a completely new career by now.

I think you and your organisation are indulging this tbh and I don't know why you feel it's your job to sit there and listen to her bellyaching about this so long after the event. It's good to support and mentor someone who has been through a traumatic change at work for a bit but there comes a point where people need to take responsibility for their own careers.

No one is entitled to any specific job. Industries/roles/job specs change. That's life.

She's not doing much to help herself and is rejecting the help she's offered. Honestly it sounds like she would do herself a favour if she moved on and you need to withdraw from this.

@HelplessSoul, that's exactly how I feel. The amount of time and energy I've used on her, to see zero progress, makes my head spin.

People like this are fucking time and oxygen thieves that wallow in self pity yet do fuck all to help themselves. Only real solution is to fuck her off.

@HelplessSoul put it better than I could have!

Then it’s time for a performance improvement plan (PIP). Consult HR to check you’ve done enough that’s documented in the way of informal work first, but make this your goal, with the measures focussing on her attitude and commitment.

So then tomorrow - call a meeting.

Law down the law and expectations. Give her 5 days to come up with a development plan. And if she doesnt, PIP her and then manage her useless ass out.

This really.

She’s not entitled to pick and choose what she does and doesn’t do and she’s very lucky that an alternative position was found for her. She needs to help herself or move on.

I felt like that once and decided to get another job and move to another county. The change did me a power of good. Really she is expecting you to solve all her problems for her. You've tried and she's said no to everything. The problem may be her not the job. Id be asking her if she should apply for another job if she's not happy here. It may be the wake up call she needs.

Just focus on her current role.
Is she fulfilling her objectives?
Give her feedback on that.
Her future development is in her own hands. You will give support in anything she chooses to do.
Seriously I learned that one the hard way. I had one like that. 20 years on, they are still in the same job, now moaning to a much younger manager!

I've line managed a very similar type of situation. Like you, tried everything I could think of and ended up just getting really pissed off with it being thrown back in my face in a what felt like quite a petulant child way. She just wanted to do bare minimum and moan endlessly about how crap everything was.
She ended up getting an informal warning for a similar thing to your person not attending the course. It was like a wake up call and she resigned fairly quickly. Her mood lifted and she said it was the shove she needed to just get out and do something different.
Don't be afraid to take it further.

largely agree with the pps but it depends on what she's actually doing in her current job. If she's performing fine/meeting standards but is just miserable then just stop engaging, do your required meetings as a tick-box but the moment she starts moaning just completely disengage and then go back to the topic you were on.

However if she's not up to scratch then absolutely start making steps to manage her out. I think you missed an opportunity with the missed courses tbh, that should have been taken quite seriously and been at least an informal warning then escalated to a written one if she did it again. It's really hard to manage someone out of the public sector so you need to have sufficient evidence of bad performance.

Make sure you document everything from now on, just very factually, no emotions e.g. we discussed again how x is unhappy in their role and has been since x department closed in 2017.
I summarised all the opportunities we have put x forward for in a result to improve her work satisfaction (list them). X says these have not helped.
I asked X if there were any other departments X would like to work for within organisation, as we could look into development opportunities. X said no, she only wanted to work in (closed department)
X has been taking advantage of coaching/mentoring sessions but does not feel they are beneficial.
I asked X if there is anything else that we could do to support her but she could not think of anything.
Ideally put all that in a doc X has to sign, e.g. her 6 month/yearly assessment or whatever you do.