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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh alcohol

14 replies

MondayBags678 · 24/09/2023 06:53

How do you know when someone is alcoholic
I saw my dh had 5 cans last night by 7:30pm
hed also been away from home several nights before on a lads holiday (walking meals spa) sure lots of alcohol was involved as he looked worse for wear However I’d be feeling like never drinking again after that!
I have noticed a lot of larger cans in the recycling bins over the past year however have not kept tabs or noticed if it’s a weekend binge or a daily habit!
his dd died when he was young of alcohol abuse and he’d always said that he would never drink to that extent and how he and his brothers had suffered from his addiction and they lost thier family home and everything due to debt he had collected before
I can’t imagine the trauma he must have endured so Aibu to even suggest he might have a problem? Should I pay more attention first and see if it’s more or less than I think? As I haven’t been keeping tabs & lead a busy life we often work different shifts so some nights I don’t see him. He has a highly stressful job and works a lot of hours too , so it could be that I think he’s having more than he is
plus he’s an adult should I trust that he knows his limits and would not do to his family what he experienced
thanks

OP posts:

Galectable · 24/09/2023 07:18

Tread carefully. He is showing signs of being addicted to alcohol. Get expert advice on the best approach. Would he respond better if you talked about the cost, or the impact on his health? There is recent research that shows no amount of alcohol is good for your body. I find that helps me avoid alcohol. Good luck!

Mercurial123 · 24/09/2023 07:19

I'd be concerned alcoholism is an issue on my dad's side of the family, and that would be a red flag. Tell him you're concerned and see what his reaction is. My dad's a functioning alcoholic and he always gets defensive.

DustyLee123 · 24/09/2023 07:36

Yep, tell him you’re concerned, especially with the family history. His reaction will tell you what you need to know.
Do you have kids in the house ?

GreyhpundGirl · 24/09/2023 07:39

Drinking a lot on a lads holiday isn't unusual nor is having a few beers at the weekend. I guess the question is, do you think he's drinking secretly? My husband drinks more than he should but doesn't hide anything, and he doesn't drink during the week.

Original poster

MondayBags678 · 24/09/2023 08:25

yes we have young children and I am worried but because I hardly drink (occasions only) never at home I don’t know what is classed as excessive
I think I’m going to keep an eye on intake but I know he will be defensive as I have mentioned before in the past
and he has done dry January and diets including no alcohol but after a month or so he will go back to bad habits and gain weight back and drink
what can I do to help him if it is addiction or is nothing I do going to be helpful? will many not admit that they have a problem? or just can’t or won’t be helped? I really hope that he hasn’t I do feel a bit worried but hope I’m overreacting

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 24/09/2023 08:28

There’s nothing you can do if he’s an addict, he has to do it himself.
But you need to have a think about what you want for yourself and your children.

Fleetheart · 24/09/2023 08:28

the main thing is that you say what your boundaries are. it’s all up to him really. there is a limited amount you can do- however be very clear with him that you don’t want a family life like he had with his dad.

Fleetheart · 24/09/2023 08:30

also- try not to keep an eye on his intake, that will send you crazy (speaking from experience), and it doesn’t help anyone. important to keep in mind it is not for you to fix this, it’s him.

Original poster

MondayBags678 · 24/09/2023 08:38

Yes thank you for this I don’t want to be keeping tabs I haven’t the time for that anyway! I’m hoping that he is not as bad as I hope and that the work stress and this year has been full on stressful times financially as well

OP posts:

OrlandointheWilderness · 24/09/2023 08:53

So far all we know is he went on a lads holiday and drank, and he had 5 pints on a Saturday night.
That really isn't enough info to make any sort of judgement!

GreyhpundGirl · 24/09/2023 09:02

Excessive is being out of control and not being able to go without alcohol. I mean I drink more than the government stipulated 14 units per week but I can take or leave it. My husband is in therapy and knows his drinking is in response to a trauma he suffered when younger and didn't deal with. He knows he drinks too much and it taking active steps to reduce his intake. You need to have a conversation with him but ultimately you can't make anyone do anything- they have to recognise it themselves and want to do something about it.

BMW6 · 24/09/2023 09:11

I'd say drinking every day would be a indicator of addiction.

Mrsttcno1 · 24/09/2023 09:36

I wouldn’t say 5 cans on a weekend night is an alcoholic! If it was every night of the week then I’d be concerned, but in isolation if DH drank 5 cans on a Saturday night the thought of being an alcoholic wouldn’t even cross my mind.

I also don’t think being defensive is the best indicator, I think most people would be a bit defensive if they were accused of being an alcoholic regardless of if they were or not.

KajsaKavat · 24/09/2023 09:39

If you tell him yojr concerns and he gets defensive I would say you’re right.

I come from a long line of alcoholics and I’m so very aware that I have a higher risk of becoming one so I do not drink on any feelings and barely at all.
I think it’s easy to slide j to without realising, but as it runs in his family he should be more aware.

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