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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to cancel the expensive stay at short notice

33 replies

2whatdo · 24/09/2023 00:16

And how? I am with someone who lives a few hours away. He was due to come and stay for a short while in a few days time. They have met my child before and were here to stay only a few months ago. My child has been restless and something is telling me something is wrong, I'm worried she might be ill. It might cause her a level of stress for him to he here because she isn't fully used to him/only met him two or three times, and I don't want to put her through that if she's ill. He will be upset because the cost of the train ticket was a lot of money for him to essentially throw away, and there's nothing he would be interested in doing in the area to make the ticket worthwhile. For context, recently a close friend of his who he has known for years wanted £30 and said he would repay him, but it became clear he would probably never see it back and he was ready to throw the friendship away for it and it got really nasty. He doesn't earn much, and the train ticket was more about 3x the cost of what his friend essentially stole from him, and I don't think he can get that money back at short notice. I feel awful because he was looking forward to seeing me, not sure how to tell him or how he will react.

OP posts:

Kaibashira · 24/09/2023 00:20

Can you not refund him for the ticket? Or offer to pay half?

Drivingone · 24/09/2023 00:22

I'd be pissed off if a friend didn't pay me back, not because of the money but the principle so I'd disregard that.

Just be honest, tell him you're concerned your DC is poorly so unfortunately you can't accommodate him. He can choose to cancel altogether, or he could get a hotel room, still use the train ticket and travel to see you/do his own thing.

But I would tell him ASAP and just be honest.

Niinja · 24/09/2023 00:39

Can he swap the ticket for another date? Even Apex tickets can sometimes be changed for an admin fee. Or could you offer to cover or split the cost?

If he does turn nasty over this, maybe that would be useful information...

Weedoormatnomore · 24/09/2023 07:09

How old is your child? Was the child in the house a few months ago when this person came to stay? Seems strange to have someone stay that you feel may create your DD a level of stress.

timetochangethering · 24/09/2023 07:11

I think were you to cancel him you should be paying him for the ticket or paying for a new ticket for him to come and see you again.

Ladybug14 · 24/09/2023 07:16

I think its unfair to have someone to STAY who your child has only met 2 or 3 times

I think this person should stay in a hotel or b and b until your child is used to them and happy to have them in her space

Ladybug14 · 24/09/2023 07:18

Regards the train ticket - send the cost of the ticket in full and explain that next time they will need to pay for a hotel as well as a train ticket

heldinadream · 24/09/2023 07:20

You can usually get refunds on train tickets if you go to the ticket office before the date of travel. Probably an admin fee of a fiver or a tenner, which you could pay. It does sound like you should cancel.
Hope your little one is OK.

Ladybug14 · 24/09/2023 07:21

And if he kicks off about any of it and doesn't understand that you have to put your child first - voilà - you've found out that he's not very nice

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 24/09/2023 07:22

Lots of red flags. He gets angry quickly, focuses on money rather than feelings, your child is unsettled by him coming. I would cut your losses on this one.

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/09/2023 07:24

I think you just don't want him to stay. Do you want to end your relationship? Can you afford to repay him?

Fallenangelofthenorth · 24/09/2023 07:28

You seem concerned he's going to get angry and cause your child stress which are reasons enough to cancel? You could offer to cover the cost of the ticket, but not sure I'd be wanting to try and transfer the ticket to another date given the red flags in your post.

Fallenangelofthenorth · 24/09/2023 07:30

And I know all things are relative but 90 quid isn't an "expensive stay". Has he made you feel like that? Has he already complained about the cost?

CherryMaDeara · 24/09/2023 07:31

I don’t think he should have been staying with you in the first place. A long distance relationship and he just randomly comes to stay many months later will unsettle your dd.

Maybe you could pay for a budget hotel room like a Travelodge or Premier Inn for him to stay in so the ticket isn’t wasted?

Eastie77Returns · 24/09/2023 07:32

Why are you inviting this volatile man to stay overnight in your house with your young child present? You seem fearful/worried (“don’t know how he will react”) which is understandable if he turned nasty over £30.

Obviously you need to withdraw your invitation and remove him your life.

You cannot entertain the thought of a relationship with this type of person, especially when you have a child.

Mistressanne · 24/09/2023 07:35

He can probably change the train ticket to a future date.
I’ve done this, you have to rebook the same start and end destination but it’s easy to do.
It has to be changed by 6pm the night before the travel is due.

LIZS · 24/09/2023 07:38

Is the unused ticket not refundable, for an admin fee

Buffypaws · 24/09/2023 07:47

Eastie77Returns · 24/09/2023 07:32

Obviously you need to withdraw your invitation and remove him your life.

You cannot entertain the thought of a relationship with this type of person, especially when you have a child.

As above. If you weren’t a bit scared of him surely you’d have just had this conversation with him already and figured something out.

FredaFox · 24/09/2023 07:48

Depends on the ticket type
Anytime or off peak can be changed for £10 and any difference in fare

Advance can't usually be changed or refunded

morbidd · 24/09/2023 07:52

It's concerning why she is so stressed about him coming. They've met before you say, how did that go?

IfYouDontAsk · 24/09/2023 07:53

Your child should come first so you should definitely cancel the visit but I would offer to cover the cost of the ticket (or at least half if you can’t afford the full ticket).

But why are you having a man stay over when your child has only met him two or three times? Introducing a new partner to a child should be way, way more gradual than that. It sounds like you’ve gone from zero to this guy staying overnight in your home (which is also her home and sanctuary. Does she knew that he’s due to visit? If so, I’d be wondering if her discomfort is due to the prospect of him visiting.

LumpyandBumps · 24/09/2023 07:53

He may well be able to get at least the majority of the ticket cost back. Whenever I have booked tickets via Trainline they can be cancelled up to the day of travel for a £5 admin fee. Do you know how he booked?

TerfTalking · 24/09/2023 07:59

As the pp said, you can’t get refunds in advance ticks, they are cheap for a reason.

I think the decent thing would be for you to refund his ticket cost. It would be very rude and unfair not to.

autienotnaughty · 24/09/2023 08:27

If she's ill then I would say don't come and rearrange. If he can't rebook ticket then you should refund or offer to pay next time.

You seem concerned about telling him, are you worried how he will react? Are you worried about him being around your child?

Freezingcoldinseptember · 24/09/2023 08:34

Is your dc ill because he is coming? Genuinely worried or playing you?

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