Was this an abusive childhood?

[TreatYoBookShelf]

Hi everyone,

I am going through a difficult time with my dad right now (my mum passed away a few years ago) and I am on the verge of seriously cutting him off even though he might not have long left…
My childhood was not in my eyes abusive but it was dysfunctional and it has left me very confused and hurt as an adult.
My dad stopped working when I was around 5 years old, my mum had to go to work and support the family. Dad was always one of life's eternal victims, so he blamed people at his last job as to why he could no longer work as they ‘bullied him’ as a child I felt desperately sorry for him…as an adult I think he behaved a bit pathetically.
For the rest of my childhood and teenage years my mum was the breadwinner and did all the cooking and cleaning, my dad suffered depression and had multiple suicide attempts while contributing nothing to the family whatsoever apart from driving us to places …

I remember arguments between my parents, I was forced to pick sides, I remember so much shouting and anger.
My dad is now also a hoarder and makes very little contact with me, I have to chase him for contact and even then it is one sided, very little interest is shown in my life. I have tried to help clear his house but he has yelled at me for dumping precious items (not true).
I cared for my mum for 4 years before she died, but she had given so much to me it was an honour for me to be able to give back to her what she had sacrificed for me throughout my childhood.

I am only mid thirties but as much as I love my dad…I don’t like him. I feel he is entitled and his behaviour over the years has impacted the rest of my life as well as that of my siblings. He has no care as to how his behaviour has impacted us and would in fact say we are to blame for not showing him enough attention.

Every day I sit with so much guilt, I want very little to do with him, but I feel so bad for feeling this way. I guess what I’m asking is AIBU in the sense that this is just part and parcel of childhood and I need to toughen up or do I actually have grounds to step back here?

Thank you for reading.

You can step back. You have my full permission :)

Go to the Stately home threads where you will find kindred spirits.

No one has a right to tell you whether your childhood was abusive or not, if you think it was, validate yourself xxx

You sound like a lovely daughter and person. I can tell, just from the way you spoke about your mum.
Your dad doesn't deserve you

Ditch the deadbeat dad.

P.S. there is no obligation to love anyone just because you are genetically related to them.

You sound like a lovely person.

I felt quite emotional when you described caring for your mother as a honour. I am sure she was very very proud of you.

We can't pick our families and you are a good and loving daughter. I suspect you will always give your father more than he has ever given you. Make peace with yourself that you don't like him much. That's OK. I think you can trust yourself in this. You're a decent person.

Do what you need to do.

Not necessarily abusive but potentially emotionally so if you were literally dragged into fights and told to take sides. Though you know the bigger picture to make that call yourself.

You did grow up with a father with significant mental illness though. Even if that wasn't his fault (hopefully he did seek support), it has impacts on everyone and doesn't make for an easy childhood.

Maybe this is something you want to unpick with a counsellor?

While I wouldn't blame your father for his disability I also believe that mental illness does not excuse poor treatment of others, so distancing can be appropriate.

It is possible to suffer from severe depression and not be completely selfish. I've witnessed quite a few examples of this. His depression does not excuse his behaviour. You don't owe him anything, you are allowed to walk away.

I should have distanced myself from my mother because she was very mean when she got sick. To everybody - mean and nasty. Worse witth sister as she was narcissitic aloholoic. Nothing helped but I did persevere .Oh well Both died. Never mind eh? You can't help some people.

a relationship does not need to be abusive in order for you to step back.
it sounds from what you have written, that he suffered from serious mental health issues. his mh issues sound untreated or poorly treated impacting the whole family.
for your own sanity it's perfectly okay to set boundaries as to how much you are able to assist with.

The things your parents went through would have impacted you emotionally which is a form of abuse.

It's difficult to make the decision to cut a family member off but if they are not being very nice and affecting your mental health then it's for the best

I would be cutting him off.
My dad is also one of life's victims and I cut him off years ago before I had my kids. He wasn't bringing anything positive to my life at all.
It sounds like your dad hasn't done anything to deserve any of your time or effort.

Thank you everyone for your lovely empathetic replies.

I think because I know my dad is mentally unwell it is hard to pull away because I feel like an awful person, but as a few posters above have said…you can be mentally unwell without being selfish and unfortunately I think without the MH issues he would still be quite selfish and entitled, put them all together and its not a good mix.

Maybe abusive isn’t a helpful term in this case because it could suggest intent so you feel like it’s blaming your DDad for MH issues - it certainly was failed parenting.

What is clear is that you had a stressful childhood where your needs were not met. You had to shape your life around the needs and unpredictability of your caregivers at a time when you should have felt secure and supported. That can leave a lasting legacy that could bleed into your adult life.

It’s quite a painful and unsettling realisation that your childhood and your parent / parents were unsupportive or self absorbed. It was nothing to do with you - it’s just how they were. Remember that there was nothing you could do at the time but survive and be proud of yourself for doing so.

Not sure about abusive but it was certainly toxic and dysfunctional. Read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

Have you ever had any counselling or therapy?

ACEs sounds right, adverse childhood experiences. Mentally ill parent is an ACE.

Not necessarily abusive but definitely very difficult.

Your dad sounds mentally unwell and your mum sounds like she was trying to hold everything together.

Yes I’ve tried therapy before however I do find CBT therapy slightly excruciating, I found after 6 weeks I was starting to repeat myself and maybe this was just my therapist but I had to take the lead with very little feedback…that made for a very long hour!

OP look after yourself. My dad also stopped working when I was younger because of poor mental health. My mum literally did everything. He is also a hoarder.

He takes no responsibility for this.