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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Age gap

52 replies

Drivingmenutsman · 23/09/2023 23:37

aibu to think this is ‘off’?

18 year old girl dating a 25 year old. She’s an undergrad, he’s a postgrad.

this is the sister of a friend btw. A friend I discussed this with thought I was being U but I don’t particularly.

OP posts:
ClifftopView · 24/09/2023 01:12

Drivingmenutsman · 24/09/2023 00:55

These comments 🤣 fair enough

ive known her from the day she was born and I take an interest in her life. She’s a very sweet girl who I care about a lot. Just thought it was a bit 🤔

Show quote history

Well, as you can see from this short thread already, there are plenty of age gap couples doing well in the long term.

GarlicGrace · 24/09/2023 01:33

They don't meet the standard threshold of "half his age plus seven years". That will happen in three years, when he's 28.

It's already quite a generous formula, invented by men to justify having much younger girlfriends! So this combo is way out of line.

TheMurderousGoose · 24/09/2023 01:44

I wouldn't see it as a huge deal.

notquitesoyoung · 24/09/2023 01:58

I wouldn't be thrilled if this was my 18 year old and conversations on the topic would lead me to believe she would agree despite her finding out first hand what idiots some boys in what might be considered to be more age appropriate can be. For those who have said I/family member had the same 25 years ago don't you think there's a world of difference between an average 18 year old now compared to then?

TheMurderousGoose · 24/09/2023 02:08

notquitesoyoung · 24/09/2023 01:58

I wouldn't be thrilled if this was my 18 year old and conversations on the topic would lead me to believe she would agree despite her finding out first hand what idiots some boys in what might be considered to be more age appropriate can be. For those who have said I/family member had the same 25 years ago don't you think there's a world of difference between an average 18 year old now compared to then?

what's the world of difference between the average 18 year old now and 'then' (whenever then might have been)?

Rainbowqueeen · 24/09/2023 02:13

I agree with you OP. I’d be concerned. It’s not so much the age gap but their actual ages. If she was 23 and he was 30 I’d not have an issue. But she is barely an adult.

SuperNewMe · 24/09/2023 02:49

At 18 and 25 you're both adults.
YABU

chappoi · 24/09/2023 02:50

Rainbowqueeen · 24/09/2023 02:13

I agree with you OP. I’d be concerned. It’s not so much the age gap but their actual ages. If she was 23 and he was 30 I’d not have an issue. But she is barely an adult.

What age can an 18 year old date? 25 male aren't exactly mature, so is 20 ok? As a female what age is acceptable to date a 25 year old?
I do struggle with kids are being brought up to fit into the adult world as soon as possible, but still mid 20s they're treated like children

SuperNewMe · 24/09/2023 02:52

I say this as the 18 year old in the scenario and DH was the 25 year old.
I knew my own mind, 28 years later still together and still do.

SuperNewMe · 24/09/2023 02:57

@notquitesoyoung
For those who have said I/family member had the same 25 years ago don't you think there's a world of difference between an average 18 year old now compared to then?
In what way?

BabyFireflyx · 24/09/2023 03:11

Yeah it's definitely a jump between mental stages. At 19 I was still a kid, as I've come to realise with age. I gave birth at 22 but was still unprepared and still needed an adultier adult to gauge what I was doing. I was much more steady in my own mind by 25. I had been parenting solo for 3 years and easily able to juggle that with keeping my own house, making sure I kept on top of money, keeping up with family and friend relationships. But he's the older one. A lot will depend on upbringing and circumstances for how she'll function positively at 18 but that is a big gap. If he's a well functioning 25 year old and she's a well functioning 18 year old (best case scenario), there's still an active disconnect.

MidnightMeltdown · 24/09/2023 03:21

I think it's a tad grim tbh. I did a postgrad, and by 25, I remember thinking that the first year undergrads looked like young kids. There's absolutely no way that I would have dated an undergraduate boy at that age, and I find it a little creepy that men do this.

SundayCherry · 24/09/2023 03:43

I mean this in the nicest way…you need to get a life OP. They’re both adults.

GregoryFluff · 24/09/2023 03:49

I was 18 when I met DH and he was just shy of 26. Been together 17 years, married 13 and now have a toddler daughter. Nobody ever outwardly said they found it strange, or even commented at all, tbh

ClifftopView · 24/09/2023 03:54

No, I don't think there's a world of difference between 18 and 25 year olds now and 25/30 years ago at all. It comes down to the individual 18 and 25 year old today, just as it did then. If you get a mature 18 and less mature 25 year old, the mental difference is more even.

LuckyPeonies · 24/09/2023 06:27

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 24/09/2023 00:12

Right side of cuspy , just.

17, 26 for instance would be wrong side of cuspy

Umm, I married my husband when I was 17 and he was 26. We’ve been (mostly happily) married for over 4 decades. Not the wrong side for us!

Oysterbabe · 24/09/2023 06:40

I think this is a pretty normal gap and wouldn't worry me at all.

HeffyAgain · 24/09/2023 06:52

I think there is a world of difference between 18 year olds now and 18 year olds 20-25 years ago because we baby them so bloody much now!
On every thread like this someone will pop up and mention that the brain doesn't fully mature until we are 25, this will then be used by every pearl clutcher in the site to justify why anyone under the age of 25 shouldn't be lead to believe they might know their own minds!
The age gap in OPs scenario is barely noticeable to most people let alone 'concerning'.
For what it is worth I met my husband when I was 20 and he was 36. I had my first child at 23 and we are still together 20 years later.

AmandasFleckerl · 24/09/2023 07:06

She’s not a girl, she’s a woman.

boobot1 · 24/09/2023 07:19

notquitesoyoung · 24/09/2023 01:58

I wouldn't be thrilled if this was my 18 year old and conversations on the topic would lead me to believe she would agree despite her finding out first hand what idiots some boys in what might be considered to be more age appropriate can be. For those who have said I/family member had the same 25 years ago don't you think there's a world of difference between an average 18 year old now compared to then?

Only now people try to infantilise grown adults. Thats why you get 25 year olds who dont know how to cook or use a washer.

anomaly2 · 24/09/2023 13:43

GarlicGrace · 24/09/2023 01:33

They don't meet the standard threshold of "half his age plus seven years". That will happen in three years, when he's 28.

It's already quite a generous formula, invented by men to justify having much younger girlfriends! So this combo is way out of line.

Why are you basing your opinion on some weird made up little nonsense formula?

anomaly2 · 24/09/2023 13:44

notquitesoyoung · 24/09/2023 01:58

I wouldn't be thrilled if this was my 18 year old and conversations on the topic would lead me to believe she would agree despite her finding out first hand what idiots some boys in what might be considered to be more age appropriate can be. For those who have said I/family member had the same 25 years ago don't you think there's a world of difference between an average 18 year old now compared to then?

18 year olds are way more worldly now

MaybeSmaller · 24/09/2023 13:49

YABU, they are young adults, not that far apart in age and they are at a similar stage in life (university students).

If he was in his 40s and her tutor/lecturer then the dynamic would be very different. But still would be none of your business.

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/09/2023 13:51

Don’t see the problem. I was 23 when I met my then 29 year old husband. Is that an issue?

MaybeSmaller · 24/09/2023 13:52

Why are you basing your opinion on some weird made up little nonsense formula?

This. Stuff like this belongs in daft rom com movies or the American Pie films. Not real life.