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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL let me down

19 replies

Rubicon101 · 23/09/2023 23:03

I am due to train a new starter and it will be from home. It is not my usual days of work so my DC will be with me. My manager was really desparate and I initially said no but it came up in conversation with my MIL and she said she was happy to keep the DC (combination of watching them at mine/having them at hers)

I asked her if she was sure, and was quite surprised as anytime we have asked for help with childcare she has said no. She said she was sure and happy to help especially if it's to do with work etc

Fast forward to 3 days before the new starter joins, and MIL rings DH to say "find another arrangement as I can't commit to that anymore. I have family to visit/family coming over the next few weekends so I can't watch the dc anymore"

I cannot have them at home while I train someone as it involves constant calling/screen sharing. Plus it is impossible to wfh with them as they are 1 and 3 and my company expects you to have childcare in place

My mum lives 3 hours away so can't help. DH will be working the days I agreed to train he can't help. I wish I hadn't trusted MIL now

It's not even like it was one day she let me down on, it was all of the training days. Aibu to be really annoyed by this? And I know she doesn't have to watch the dc ever, but i'm feeling upset/frustrated at the fact that she's basically never helped (not watched them for even an hour when i've been desperate), and I should have known better

OP posts:

TooBored1 · 23/09/2023 23:11

I think this is a DH problem. His mum has let the both of you down, so he needs to be the one sorting out a solution.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 23/09/2023 23:13

I would tell DH that its his mother's fuck up so his issue to fix.
And she can fuck off if she ever thinks shes going near you again.

Thementalloadisreal · 23/09/2023 23:19

Agree your husband needs to step in and then tell his mother he had to miss a day(s) of work due to her being unreliable.

whatchulookinatwillis · 23/09/2023 23:21

Yep, this is a DH problem.

If he needs to take AL to watch the kids, so be it.

Original poster

Rubicon101 · 23/09/2023 23:29

Worst thing is dh asked his mum if she was definitely happy to watch them and to only say yes if she can, to which she replied "why do you keep asking? I said I will"

I completely agree though. DH has mentioned aswell that if we definitely can't get childcare into place, then he will take an extra day off each week (the day I am training) and it's 4 weeks of training

He is self employed so we will be taking a financial hit and also his manager prefers for them to work 5 days atleast as he needs reliable people - which dh will now need to explain why for the next month he will only be in 4 days a week. I have learnt my lesson for sure though. This was the final straw for me regarding MIL

OP posts:

tava63 · 23/09/2023 23:29

It is very sad. I had the same with my DM and DMiL. Neither watched my two, now adult, wonderful DDs for even 5 minutes. Especially with my DM I found this hard and had to really work hard on my own resilience with her behaviour, for e.g. she has not once visited us in our home. In fairness to her my DF is probably worse, am genuinely not sure if he remembers DD2s name most of the time (I am not exaggerating, he usually calls her “the other one”). 20 years on I can now sometimes even ruefully laugh at their behaviour. And, perhaps cynically, the upside is if in the future they do need to live in a nursing home I will have no feelings of guilt if I rarely visit. I hope you find a solution.

Original poster

Rubicon101 · 23/09/2023 23:33

@tava63 I am so sorry you went through that especially for your child to be called "the other one". That is awful

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/09/2023 23:35

The answer is for your DH to take time off to look after the kids. Probably would have been a better plan A to be honest.

You’ll lose a bit of money but his relationship with the children is also important- so see it as an investment in that.

SM4713 · 23/09/2023 23:38

Maybe I'm not understanding, but would someone else be doing the training if you weren't, or you would always be doing it but on your normal, working days? Can you tell work that you can only now do it during your normal workings days, or not at all?

Original poster

Rubicon101 · 23/09/2023 23:40

At first it was "when dc starts to walk then I will watch him because I can't lift him up" - which we completely understood. Then when he walked it was "once he is potty trained I don't mind watching him". Now one is potty trained and it's still a no.

We would only ever ask if we really badly needed childcare and never just for the fun of it. I just don't know why she says stuff like "if you ever need help, let me know" and doesn't stick to it. Why say it if you don't mean it

OP posts:

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/09/2023 23:41

In this instance perhaps just pay for an emergency ad hoc nanny?

Not cheap, but if there would be a consequence (beyond the financial hit) on your DH's job then it might be worth it just for the peace of mind.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/09/2023 23:42

Oh and if she ever offers again "No thank you MIL. When you cancelled on us last time it caused a lot of problems for us so I'd rather not risk that again."

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/09/2023 23:47

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/09/2023 23:42

Oh and if she ever offers again "No thank you MIL. When you cancelled on us last time it caused a lot of problems for us so I'd rather not risk that again."

Yup

LilyLemonade · 23/09/2023 23:48

I would be raging. Can’t stand flaky, unreliable people. And it’s close family who you’d like to think you can trust and count on. AND she didn’t even have the guts to tell you in person she was letting you down.
Luckily, it sounds like you and your DH are a good team.

echt · 23/09/2023 23:51

LilyLemonade · 23/09/2023 23:48

But she rang the OP's DH, who is her son.

Topseyt123 · 23/09/2023 23:53

Rubicon101 · 23/09/2023 23:40

Have you presented your MIL with these questions directly? I'd honestly be very tempted to lay it on the line with her and give her a massive rocket up her arse about her unreliability and the consequences of it.

Not that it would probably make any real difference, but I'd feel better I think.

At any rate, the next time she says that you should just ask if you need help you'll be able to say "Not you we can't, your too unreliable and caused us no end of problems the last time we trusted you!"

Original poster

Rubicon101 · 24/09/2023 00:40

I think that's the issue. I have never asked her or confronted her about it. The one time I did stand up for myself regarding something unrelated, she said she couldn't believe the disrespect and in her day she would never dare to speak up against her MIL. After that I didn't bother getting into disagreements with her

Thank you all. Next time she offers to help I will say no thank you and bring up this time so she remembers why we said no whether it offends her or not

Thank you all for letting me vent. Just needed a place to let it out x

OP posts:

TooBored1 · 24/09/2023 00:49

Ooh, and if your family will lose out £ wise, I'd not be buying Christmas presents for her this year - you simply can't afford it.

Sarahzb · 24/09/2023 00:58

Not one to be relied on

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