Am I horrible?

[Ohmygillygollygumdrops]

So my DH of 13 years (together for far more!) recently changed jobs. I was previously the main earner.
We have 4 DC all with additional needs. I also have multiple health conditions (this is relevant).

My husband works extremely long shifts and will come home, eat and then go to bed. Sometimes he will put a load of washing on to clean his work clothes.

I changed my role and hours at work to b able to run around after the children. They are in different schools and all have multiple appointments every week.

The house is a tip, I am struggling to keep up and I feel let down and annoyed with DH.

Recently I had a conversation with DH about how much I am are (mentally and physically) and asked for 2 things. The first was to take over cleaning floors both wood and carpet and to help with the mental load. We had an in-depth discussion about what I wanted in terms of the mental load.I asked for help with making the meal plans (mostly lunch as he constantly moans he is sick of sandwiches but never has ideas of what he wants). I also asked for help with organising Christmas/birthdays for the DC.

Things have not changed at all. Now I am becoming more and more annoyed with him and I resent him. My life has changed completely so he could change careers. I make all the sacrifices such as taking days off when DC are unable to go to school or have unexpected appointments. DH had some annual leave in August and he did very little apart from cook every day.

I took some annual leave to settle the DC in to the school year and get some jobs done around the house. It feels like my time is not valuable. It is expected that I make sure everyone is ok.

I am currently spending my days in the car and then at work or dealing with the DC at home. I do not get time to eat and this has caused decline with some of my health issues, I am surviving on snacks and pure junk. I am exhausted and I feel so judged by him. Like he thinks I am lazy and should be doing more. He is fully aware of my health difficulties and how serious some of them are.

He also gets so angry for things that I feel are normal for DC like leaving wrappers in the cupboard. Sometimes when he is home the atmosphere is awful.

Today he came home and let me know when he was leaving work so his dinner would be ready. We are all unwell with a virus and I just didn't have the energy to cook. So I didn't. He huffed and puffed, banged around in the kitchen and then went to bed.

We also are having some issue around sex. Essential he is a sex pest and has been since Dc were born and my labido decrease. In all honesty him pestering turns me off. We have had many discussions about this over the years. Things change briefly. Sometimes I will sleep on the sofa and go to bed just as he is getting up to avoid the any issues.

I have made him sound awful but he has so many good points and I am mostly happy. He has always been hands on with the DC well more than average. He can be very supportive and will back me up ect.
I just don't know if I am being too hard on him? Do we need more time to adjust?

We have no other support, no extended family. It has always been just us and the DC. We have never had a break or time for just the 2 of us.

I have made him sound awful but he has so many good points and I am mostly happy What good points does he have? Because the two examples you’ve given about being hands on with the children and backing you up are a baseline for acceptable behaviour. That is what he’s supposed to do. He doesn’t get extra points for them. And, quite frankly, if that’s all he’s been doing, he sounds pretty shit. Both as a husband and a father.

For you both:

floors - get a robot hoover.

meals - make a list of yours and kids favourite easy meals. Loads on mn if you need ideas.

gifts - both need to pull weight. For instance, I buy / choose them and DH wraps them.

Sex / shit attitude - tell him he's being an arse.

Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately we can not get a robot hoover as we have pets. Even if we could train them to leave it alone it would constantly clog ect. Plus it would not solve the mopping ect.

I have no issue with making the food lists. I just wanted some input as he was complaining about being fed up of eating the same things. I also do not see why I should have to do the whole thing all the time. I organise, order/buy, put away and cook the food. I wanted support reducing my mental load and this seemed like an easy 1st step for him to take over a small part. Particularly as it is something he found fault with.

The gifts thing is becoming I have always thought about what to buy, bought them and wrapped ect. I also thought this would be an easy way of reducing my mental load, with him putting some of the work in to thinking about what to buy and buying them.

My DH will help when I ask, it is a tradition wife deals with everything in terms of the mental load but he does not think about doing these things himself. An example of this would be a few weeks ago I did not have the time or energy to sort out the weekly meal list and order a food delivery. So it did not get done. When we had our conversation about the mental load I used this as an exact of something where once he realised I had not sent him the meals list and no shopping had been delivered he could do those things. I would know because he would send me the weeks meal plan.

When asked he will do housework. He often cooks when home without me asking (using the meal plan Made). He can be thoughtful for example if we are out he will carry the bags and will support me and do things naturally to help in difficult situations. An example of this is when we are out in a shop and people get close to me he will move me in to a safer space so I am not so overwhelmed. It is really hard to explain.

An example of this is when we are out in a shop and people get close to me he will move me in to a safer space so I am not so overwhelmed.

What the actual hell? What did I just read?!

Decent guys do not need to be asked to do housework, they don't expect dinner to be cooked for them, are not sex pests and definitely don't huff and puff.

It really sounds like your standards are very low, he's bloody awful.

What do you mean by he moves you in public?!

A) Invest in a cleaner, not expensive and will hugely help
B) Invest in a Fleshlight for DH, not expensive and will hugely help 😁

Needs OP to clarify, but my first guess is that she is suffering with anxiety and he helps her manage this.

If you can afford a cleaner definitely do that. It sounds like you're both stressed and exhausted. Could you try marriage counseling?

Sounds like OP gets anxiety in crowds and he helps her to get into a safe space for her so she doesn't get overwhelmed. Which is quite thoughtful and considerate of her needs.

I'm confused though. Because one minute it's like he does sweet FA around the house and the next it's like he does at least the minimum but does more...

I agree with getting a cleaner in if you can afford it though

I am Autistic and I really struggle in busy places hence why I shop online.

He is very confusing as sometimes he will be amazing and is very thoughtful but other times he is like a different person.

I wish we could afford a cleaner as it would be an easy solution. Due to my physical disabilities cleaning is very difficult but I have found ways to do most jobs. I just can't clean the floors anymore due to the pain.

I just never expected things to be this difficult when he changed jobs. Maybe we are both just exhausted and overwhelmed.