Not wanting to be a parent any more

[shalifedow]

Sometimes I think of all the men who decide that parenting is too much and abandon their partners and children and I wonder about doing the same - as a mother, which is obviously less common. It’s only fleeting thoughts, but when my kids are being particularly difficult (as they are this weekend) I wonder what the point is in having children, is it fulfilling a primal urge to procreate, because I don’t feel like I’m enjoying it… then on the other hand I know I’d feel lonely with no family. I love them dearly and would give my life for them. I’d never admit out loud that I feel this way sometimes, much less let them know, and there’s no question that I’d ever give them over to the care system or even relatives to look after (although I have considered the latter temporarily). I might have carried all this over from my own childhood and adolescence. They’re not babies btw, youngest is 11.

Is it normal, or at least understandable, to have these ‘moments’?
YANBU = I’m not alone in feeling this way sometimes
YABU = this is really not normal for mother to feel this way

I have a 2 year old and I definitely have moments like you describe.

with them being pre teens and teens are they getting more independent which means more time to do the things you like? Maybe you need more time to unwind and relax and therefore are better prepared mentally for the harder times.

Yanbu. We love being child free!!

You are not alone. I regularly feel the same. I often think what the fuck have I done? And long for my old life back when I lived alone and earned good money and dated and felt I was good at things. Now I just feel a constantly stressed out, angry Mum.

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable OP! Kids can drive you to your absolute limits at times, and with all of the other responsibilities we adults have to take on, it's not surprising there are times when parents of either sex just want to walk away. The difference is, that men seem to be able to do it quite easily, but we women have gone through pregnancy, then labour, and having safely delivered a baby after going through all that, seem to have an invisible tie, that just doesn't allow most Mums to do it, even if we do fantasise about it from time to time!

Yes! Every night with my son. Why is cleaning your teeth such a bloody battle, why lie about etc...he's 9.

I see your nine and I raise you nearly 16! I hear you and see you and I feel your pain.

You are not alone.

DH is in therapy right now to address this very issue. Outwardly he’s a good parent. Inwardly he just doesn’t want to do it anymore. Ours are older (teens) and one in particular is unbelievably trying at the moment. Whenever there’s an opportunity to cause problems, he takes it.

Both of us are just trying to get through the next few years with our sanity relatively intact.

I have my moments but would never contemplate giving up my children. Its the hardest thing being a parent, but I remind myself those without children never get to experience that real unconditional love you have for a child and vice versa. I know the difficult times will pass and I can be proud of what I have achieved. Im just glad I travelled and partied in my youth and didnt have children until early 30s. However, then there is the drawback of being an older mum. Nothing is ever perfect. Children or not.

I remind myself those without children never get to experience that real unconditional love

Speak for yourself. The fact that you are only capable of feeling real unconditional love for your children doesn’t mean that others share your emotional limitations.

I've a 2 year old and I often have moments where I wonder whether I could pop him on ebay 😂😂😂 while he lies on the ground screaming because I won't let him drink the bottle of bubbles. 🙈🙈

Ok thanks. Ill shut up then. Your opinion is way more superior to mine.

Honestly, I’m not sure that every parent or every child feels that unconditional love. Statistically, about a third of adults have disordered attachments.

I think it's normal to have a good whinge about your job, look seriously at adverts for other jobs, have the Sunday blues etc. Normal parenting is the same.

I think we all have times when the Sunday blues take up most of the week. I used to long for a day or a weekend or a week off, but then would decide it would be too hard when I had to start again.

Fact is that the children didn't choose to be born. You just have to get through it as best you can. Cut corners, stay civil and keep feeding them reliably. Do the minimum for a bit.

I'm gone from this site thanks to some. Whats the point in asking for advice and then attacking anyone that gives their opinion. Laters trolls!!

YANBU to think it, kids are hard at times. YWBU to actually do it though, same as all the men who do it are U.

I often feel this way but I’m a lone parent and if I knew I would be I just wouldn’t have had kids.

@SeekChase I actually thought your post was very helpful. Flounce if you must, but it was only one or two people and you must expect some people will disagree. Feel free to stick around :)

I thought it was pretty normal to fantasise about leaving them all to it and starting again. Do a Shirley valentine

@Beezknees no would never actually do it (I mean unless I had a very severe breakdown and didn’t have the capacity to make the decision - the fact that’s even on my mind as a possibility scares the shit out of me)

@BananaSlug I’m flying solo - temporarily - honestly don’t know how single parents do it all x

Unconditional love is way, way overrated.

of course YANBU if this is how you feel.

However if your youngest is 11 it is unusual, unless they have additional needs

You are absolutely not being unreasonable OP. There are times I feel I have been conned by others who enthused over how rewarding DC are. It often seems like maximum input, tiny rewards. One contrary bugger was enough for me - I love my child dearly but found it hard to cope with the change in my own identity, and did not take to mothering as easily as others seemed to. But sometimes it really is worth it. Don’t beat yourself up for what you are feeling. Remember some folks will put a fake rosy glow every situation to look marvellous (especially on social media) but most mums feel at least some of what you said from time to time.

Would it be more usual at a younger age or an older age? Not being picky, I don’t think there’s a “most difficult” age, every age has its challenges. First year of being a mother was definitely the toughest but that was more to do with the lifestyle adjustment than the age of the child (because in many ways, babies are easier).

OP I try to make myself feel better by remembering how sad i could be sometimes before kids (tendency to depression and directionless) Now I don't have time for that :-)

So i'm poorer and stressed and tired and fat BUT overall i'm happier than before. On paper many things about kids seem like a bad idea but i'd say my happy well adjusted friends without kids overall aren't happier than i am with my daily misery and stress.
Hope that made sense, it's late......

I’m really not very good at it which makes me want to run away.