Livid about bullying

[Sheselectric22]

Hi all,

I'm at a total loss how I can solve this for my poor dd. She's late primary and for 3 years another child has bullied her relentlessly. Both emotionally and physically at times. I have witnessed this myself and dd has had an injury on one occasion.

Last year I went mad with school because despite reporting this it wasn't dealt with effectively and continued. School try make excuses that because my dd has asc she misunderstands social situations. How can someone misunderstand someone else hurting them? I told school they have a duty to protect my dd from harm at school and I followed the complaint's process and had a meeting with the head. I was assured it will be resolved. Poor dd spent every evening in tears last year.

I'm not under any illusion that my dd is perfect and never says a bad word or steps out of line it I have been carful in gathering true facts and speaking with teachers and parents and I'm confident this is not a misunderstanding.

Last year after getting nowhere with school I approached the parent. She denied it and said her dd would never do such things, despite me telling her I had witnessed it my self when in the playground because I was there with my other dc.

My dd has been very resilient and mature in trying to ignore the bullying and has made a good group of other friends.

However this child will not leave her alone. She seems to find it entertaining and loves any reaction.

I have again emailed school and the parent. School did agree on this occasion I am correct and they have witnessed this child "winding dd up". However they have done nothing. The parents again denied it and tried to turn it round on my dd despite her child never complaining about my dd.

I asked school why my dd should be forced to go somewhere every day where she is mistreated, would they go to work where someone physically and emotionally hurt them regularly.

I have tried to teach dd to stick up for herself and even to push back when this child hurts her but dd is very shy and soft and hates getting in trouble so just ends up in tears.

I'm planning on going to school on Monday but I have already done this and it's still happening.

I have considered moving schools but I have other dc at this school, it's down the road and why should my dd move when she has a nice group of friends there.

I feel so angry about this.

Have you got a copy of the anti-bullying policy, the behaviour policy and the peer on peer/child on child abuse policy? Every school in England has to have them and make them available to parents. Some are in the website and some you might have to request.

I would suggest going through it line by line, comparing it with the action/non action already taken and then writing to the school with a formal complaint, quoting from the anti bullying policy, the behaviour policy and the peer on peer/child on child abuse policies.

It's really important that you get hold of the complaints policy and procedure and follow it to the letter.

If your child is autistic, there is an automatic power imbalance. Look for references to this in the anti bullying policy.

When I was being bullied many years ago my dm frog marched across the school yard (with ddog on a lead!) and told that bloody madam to leave me alone... Never had another peep out of her.. Dm took a bollocking from school but they weren't doing anything... A hiss in that girls ear would be my solution op. My dd's older siblings cornered a bully in our local park a few years ago. Never touched her just sheer pack presence... She had threatened to 'slaughter' my dd and even the police did nothing. She was told to cross the road if she saw dd. Still does 5 years on...
Ime never rely on the appropriate route...

Make sure that everything from this pint forward is put in writing. Do not have a conversation with the school without following it up with an email that says something like....

Following our conversation this afternoon I am writing to confirm the details of our discussion.....

1. ........
2. ....,,,,

The outcome of this discussion was .......

100% this. When I was at school this is what happened with me. My DM stormed in after years of me being bullied and had it out with school and the bully. Was brilliant! The bully was expelled and I never had a miserable day again.

Your DD also needs to know you have her back and she can rely on you. Needs must.

Thank you all. I really feel like confronting the bully but thought it was a bit bat shit of me ha.
I'm going into school in person on Monday morning and il want answers before I leave. Il follow up with email as suggested thanks.

Have you contact the school governors and Ofsted about how the bullying is accepted and not being dealt with at the school?

I would contact both, with timelines of events and pictures of any bruising etc if you have them.

Email the governors (their details should be on the school website) and copy in the Head this weekend. It will force the Head to respond in writing as to what they are going to do to address the issue; pointing out where they are failing on their anti-bullying policy.

Email and update the governors with every instance of bullying that happens going forwards and ask for a formal written response every time from the Head as to what steps were taken to stop a repeat performance.

If the school has a social media account, comment on there about how you love the teacher/playground/facilities etc, but it's such a shame that pupils with additional needs are subjected to prolonged bullying without any staff intervention.

You have to make their lack of action a greater workload then actually stopping the bullying.

Log every single instance. Description, the effect on your child, date and time if possible.

And as PP say, get the anti bullying policy and go higher. It's appalling they aren't stopping this bullying.

Tell the school that you have told your daughter to punch her square in the face if she is bullied again.

Tell the school to come and see you if they have a problem with that.

Tell your daughter to punch the bully square in the face if she bullies her again.

I promise you that something will be done.

Fuck anyone who says that violence isn't the answer. It really is with bullies. They really don't like you making them look stupid

Good luck.

Daughter was bullied. We followed procedures and nothing happened.

When one boy started on my son I said what my last post said

What a difference.

my dad confronted my bully. never bullied me again.

The governors will simply refer the op back to the complaints policy.

They will not step in until the appropriate stage if the complaints procedure has been reached.

Ofsted will not step in either unless it is a safeguarding issue.

I have no qualms in putting the fear of god into a child that bullies mine.
My 5yo dd was getting bullied by a boy who constantly called her horrible names, treated her like dirt under his shoe, kicked her in the stomach, tackled her and did other horrendous things.
In the end I screamed at him...like literally bellowed and he hasn't dared touch her since. I told him if I saw him hit her again, I'd punch him myself 🙂

I think I might say something to her to be honest after reading these responses. These children are old enough to know better

If the school doesn’t care then why wouldn’t you change schools? If it’s been going on for three years.

If she has physically hurt your daughter how old is she? If she's 10 there is criminal responsibility and I'd go to the police. They won't do much but a little chat might just make the bully think twice.

They are both 10. I'm going to be telling school and the mum my next step is the police.

My dd has nice friends at this school. We live in the next street. It's a small school and I have other dc there. Apart from this issue the school has been good so I'm reluctant to move her. She will be off to secondary soon. I am thinking of not sending her to the same secondary but the one bully will go to is a good secondary and has all the subjects etc dd wants to do. It would be my first choice if not for this. It's logically better in terms of location and rivals the local independent we visited. I will struggle to take dc to different schools and due to living rurally it's difficult for dd to travel alone everyday. The local one would mean she could walk home.

Not proud of it but it worked. My niece was being bullied, school did nothing. I saw this boy punch her in the stomach so I said to him that of I seen him touch her again then I would rip his arms off and beat the shit out of him with them!

Not my finest moment but he never touched her again!

His mum knew all about it and has avoided me since that day when I drop my niece off in the mornings. She would get the same treatment if she dared utter a word! I’m usually quite placid until you mess with my family!

The problem with confronting the bully these days is that due to phones, social media and cameras, you will invariably end up being filmed/recorded.

And if you are caught on camera threatening a 10 year old or looking like you are threatening a 10 year old, you will be in a World of Pain.

So as great as it sounds and as much as that solution worked back in the day, I wouldn't advocate it now.

I would also tell your DD to hit back tbh but that won't necessarily work for all DCs and could backfire.

Ultimately I'd move schools if no other solution can be found.

My very placid DS was bullied during Year 7 and 8. Reported to school who did talk to the bullies but it continued. I took my son to karate and 6 months later DS lost his temper and hit the main culprit. I was summoned to the school and the Deputy Head gave us both a lecture and then my DS was sent out. The Deputy turned to me and said he understood why he'd hit the boy and hoped that would be that! It was, my DS was never bullied again by anyone!

Inform both the school and the parent that it will be a police matter now the girl is 10.

I’d be tempted to threaten the girl but I agree with PP - times are very different from even 10 years ago - you’re likely to be filmed.

Since they’re over 10 I’d be getting the police involved in anything physical now

Please be careful op with suggestions of physical intervention. I live in an area where a male nurse tolerated horrendous abuse of his children with the school seemingly unwilling/unable to intervene. One of his dc's suffered a broken arm and he intervened physically. He was taken to court and found guilty - I cannot remember the charge. The Chief Superintendent seemed hellbent on making an example of him in that you must not take the law into your own hands and criticised him publicly after the case.

My gc suffered horrendous abuse at secondary school. He kept quiet until he returned to the car with a bleeding nose and swollen eye. I am not going to detail the level of abuse he went through (being pushed face down into mud on a regular basis was just the beginning) because it is so painful. The year head was good, HT not at all. I believe our case was one of the (many) reasons she took early retirement. I said to the supportive teacher that HT could not last much longer.

You have my sympathies op. The frustration of dealing with the "system" is so stressful. All you and your dd want is to have a peaceful, settled time at school and this one child is completely disrupting your lives.

Don't threaten such a small child.
It won't end well.
Instead log every single incident down.
Tell school you are reporting the lack of accountability and action to the governors, local authority and ofsted as they are failing in their duty of care to protect your child.
Then tell the adult in charge of the bully that every single incident will now be reported to the police.