Sensitive subject - to talk to DC’s friend’s mum

[MellowYellow2023]

I have a sensitive, kind but quite old for her age (in some ways)just turned 11 yo DD. She had a friend round and all was going well until all of a sudden friend wanted to go home, fine, I called her mum who picked her up. No problem. A few days later, friend’s mum called to tell me she was a bit concerned about my DD as she had been talking about what rape was to her DD. I thanked the mum for her concern and said she had possibly just heard something on the news as I do tend to listen to it a lot and I apologised if she had upset her DD.

My DD also has a 13 year old friend and I think they have discussed consent which is fine but I am kind of limiting this friendship with the 13 year old as I think she is too old for my DD. I talked to my DD about this to ensure that nothing had ever happened to her. She was embarrassed that the friend had told her mum but understood why. The mum said she would invite my DD around again but I am not sure if she will now.She also kind of looks at me in a bit of a strange way at school pick up but this might be my perception.

Anyway, long story short, my DD came home this week and told me the friend had told her in the school playground what a ‘69’ was. I am sad my DD knows this at 11 but is it just me being precious or having injured pride. I feel like my DD has been painted as inappropriate while her DD is similar. I don’t want to tell the mum about it as it would look like I was just trying to get back at her. It just shows it is ‘six of one thing and half a dozen of another’

What would you do?
a) leave it, move on with head held high and put it down to experience. Let the friendship either continue or fade away on its own.
b) mention it to the other mum in a very sensitive careful way.

Oh, I didn’t realise motherhood would involve this. I am sad for our DC but wonder if this kind of playground talk always existed. I can’t remember how much I knew at 11 as I am pretty old now!!

Thank you for reading if you got this far. 😊

Just leave it, none of this is a big deal and it will look like you're trying to make a point.

Everyone is talking about rape this week due to RB, even my dc of the same age. We've talked about it as a family which I think is responsible. It's a shame the friend was upset and you did the right thing talking to your dd. This is the age when they will start to know these sexual terms, they'll be at secondary next year. The main thing is that you have lines of communication open with dd.

I'd really want to say something but probably wouldn't.

Thank you both of you. I don’t think much will be gained by me saying anything even if I want to! I just don’t want her to have the perception that my DD is the ‘bad influence’. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn’t bother saying anything. I remember being curious at that age and reading romance novels to try to piece together information about sex. 😆

My best friend’s (of 62 years!) mum always thought I was the bad influence and my mum always thought she was the bad influence. To be honest, we were gangbusters together and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

To be honest, you probably have already been judged by that other mum & there isn’t much you can do. But you know the truth of it - don’t sweat the small stuff.
You’re the cool mum.

Agree. I think it will come across 6 of one thing and 9 of the other. Just leave it.

Sorry, couldn’t resist 😂

FWIW My kids sniggered at the mere suggestion of the word 69 from primary age. I’ve no idea where they learned it, or even if they knew what it meant. I just ignored it!

It sounds as if your daughter is quite open with you, which is a good thing. Long may it last.

I’m not sure the other mother will have tainted your daughter as a bad influence, or if she has, that opinion will last. The pre teen years can be rocky, and this incident (if you can call it that) will be barely a blip!

I probably would mention it on the basis that she is obviously concerned about what her dd is learning/knowing so she can talk to her dd about it.

Option a. I wouldn't mention this OP as I think you will look petty.

I think at around this age it's normal to start getting interested in these things and for playground talk to include this kind of thing.

I’m 53 OP and I have a brother 4 years older. When I was 11 I found a stash of his porn magazines and his friend persuaded him it was ok for me to read them ( because it was just women in them… such logic ). So I certainly came to know the meaning of all the sex terms and swear words. It’s different nowadays because access to porn is not governed by the whims of an older brother gatekeeping his Penthouse magazines.

We were at the bus station many years ago youngest dd year 5 says ooh number 69 that's a bad number , then err why is it bad ?, I'll Google it. Elder dd year 7 trust me you don't want to Google .

I would actually talk to the other mum - if she had a concern about the earlier conversation, I assume she'd want to know about this one too.

I'd just be factual, not saying you'd any concern about your DD, just letting her know.

I wouldn't worry about her perception of you / DD - that's her own issue, if she has it.

However, I'd be having a very open clear conversation with your DD about how and when she talks about certain topics. No topic is taboo, but it's important to remember context, and that at 11, some children have much less awareness than others.

We are very open about sex and related issues in our house from an early age but I've always made it clear that generally, it was not for discussion with other children or at school.

About the '69' conversation, I'd be very clear that it's a private part of sex that grown ups do, and it's hard to understand it when you are a child. And that the friend talking to her about it wasn't a great idea and she should move on from similar conversations in the future.

And I'd make sure to ensure she's not worried or preoccupied about rape as well.

Thank you, everyone.
@EarringsandLipstick that’s a very poised and open approach that we have tried to follow.

I bought my daughter a really good book recommended by her school and for her key stage as she was asking a lot of questions so she is aware of sex within a healthy relationship. I don’t want to make consensual sexual behaviour seem a shameful thing but obviously talking about rape is a whole different matter.

We did have a talk about keeping certain conversations for certain trusted adults and I did say she could always come to me, her father her aunties or her teacher if she was confused by anything.

Her father is from a different country and has much more open views in general and this has probably affected what we talk about as a household (all kinds of subjects, politics, religion, science a little bit) so she is used to hearing discussion and debate. She possibly didn’t realise this one was inappropriate.

i will see how it goes with the other mum before I say anything. She does seem really nice. If she is trying to distance herself that’s fine, I just smile and say hello but she’s not coming over anymore so maybe it is her own issue. Or maybe I should go over to her. Tbh, we are all so busy working full time, I can’t afford to give it this level of thought.
Thanks again everyone and have a great day!