To think divorcing is not as easy as people make out?

[cantstopeating1]

Everytime I post something about my DH I’m met with unanimous LTB. But it’s not as easy as people make out when you’re poor, have no family or friends support and rely on his family for support as your own mum still talks to your childhood abuser so even the thought of moving back home fills you with dread. I know my life will be worse and my children will be in danger if I leave the safety of my own home. My Inlaws I trust 100% with my kids. If I left DH my relationship with Inlaws would not exist. I couldn’t just turn up with the kids! No way.

My only solution would be to move in with my parents. At least I have freedom to do what I want now. DH pays the mortgage and bills so my very low income I can do what I want with. How will I afford bills and food and clothes for the kids if I leave?

Have you tried talking to Womens Aid? Some people have found them helpful.

Some solicitors give a free initial consultation. You need to find out what’s your rights would be in a divorce, this may give you some hope for the future.

Im divorcing after a very long marriage. I have adult children. Everything is considered a joint asset and I’m legally due 50%.

I haven't read any of your other posts OP but people on here LTB for every little thing. THe truth is life is complex and we make our own choices, of course for clear cut cases of abuse, deprivation etc the choice is clear but other times it's a grey area.

If it is very bad living in poverty is better than ending up injured with long-term trauma both mentally and physically. is this your situation?

I couldn’t just turn up with the kids! No way.

Turn up where? Your parents’ house?

I don’t know anyone who moved in with their parents when they split up. Some stayed in the family home until it was sold, then rented/bought separately. Others contacted women’s aid. All were working or had to get a job though. You would be entitled to financial support. If you or your children are suffering emotional or physical abuse, you need to leave.

Of course divorce is not simple, or easy.

I don’t think anyone says it is. It’s messy and emotionally difficult and you’ll be poorer financially. That’s all unavoidable.

That doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing.

Agree with NoSquirrels. Of course you won't have the same quality of life but it will be better in other ways.

I thought I was stuck but I've now started the process. I'm disabled, can't work, no family or friends, will probably have to go to food banks and little heating in winter but it will be worth it not to be abused anymore, mentally, emotionally or financially. I will be able to eat when I'm hungry. Can't wait.

No it isn’t easy. Even without poverty is still a long difficult slog.

but it’s a slog where you end up in charge of your own happiness

You posted earlier on your situation, and people weren't saying it was easy, just that it was not as impossible as you may see it. It's not worth staying for kids to have 2 holidays a year, if parents are arguing and miserable. You also seem to have a skewed idea of incomes.

A salary of £30k+ (from the other thread) is not a very low salary, it's near the full time average

You say your husband is on a high salary and wouldn't want to have the kids. If so you'd likely get

• Lion's share of the value of the house
• Chunk of savings (which you currently can't access)
• Significant child maintenance - eg if he's on £100k, it would £13k in CMS, the equivalent of £17k before tax
• Potentially enhanced maintenance, share of pension also also given income disparity and you giving up work for a time
• £2k child benefit
• Up to £4k a year tax free childcare

That is very far from a low income. If this is right for you and your children, you can do this.

I hate to disagree, but it is that easy to leave! I left a 10 year relationship, with 3 children, with absolutely nothing, apart from the kids and the dog. I was lucky that my mum let us stay temporarily but I had to find my own place quickly; I was earning very little at the time and it's been difficult (I was not married and it was his house first). But 5 years on, I have my own place, there's no shouting or tension and life is good. No, I don't have much spare money but that is a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
I would definitely recommend making the jump; it's scary but so, so worth it.

yes it’s emotionally hard, i had an amicable divorce, but so worth it in the long run. i was married for over 30 years, so it wasn’t easy . Do you both own the house op ? see a solicitor through citizens advice, you’ll get a free half hour, they’ll go through the options.

I have a fabulous social life since i’ve been divorced, better than ever before.
i would say don’t be afraid to go through the process, but it really helps if your husband plays fair .

Of course it's not easy! But it's not easy due to money. It's not easy to stay because of abuse. You can't do anything about the abuse except leave. You CAN do something about the money.

Do you have to do something NOW? Well that depends on what the abuse is. If it's run for the hills because your lives are in danger, yes. If it's an absent emotionally father but a selfish husband then you have time to work in your personal situation.

Start a running away fund. It doesn't matter if it's in cash or in a bank account that you keep hidden for now. The financial settlement from a divorce takes time, and you need to have enough funds cover yourself for that gap in time. Also start investing in yourself and your career. Can you do further training now? Can you change jobs to a higher paying one?

There is absolutely no point in throwing your hands up in the air and saying "it's too hard" and not doing anything about it. In 2 or 5 or 10 years time it will be just as hard and you will still be in an abusive situation and be no closer to getting out.

You put up with it or you leave, what else can you do?

And how on earth do expect people to respond if you keep on complaining how hard you have it?

I haven't read any of your other posts OP but people on here LTB for every little thing

No they don't. I have never seen this on MN, except when the post and thread are clearly in fun.

Saying LTB is done when it's clearly a reasonable thing for the OP to do. The ease of doing it is not the point and never has been.

You posted earlier? The teacher with a lawyer DH who is absent in yours and the children’s lives? You’re earning around £30k a year. You’re extremely fortunate that you have an ability to leave. Some women leave and thrive despite having never worked and have enormous custody battles, knowing they’ll have to perhaps leave their children 50% of the time with abusive fathers if the courts decide that. You mentioned your DH wouldn’t be arsed with fighting for custody. Man oh man, you have it extremely easy with a manageable income and likelihood of not being dragged through the courts (which often parents do as another form of DV).

Just be honest with yourself. Leaving would be easy. You just don’t want to leave because you like the lifestyle you have right now. You love going on holiday twice a year. That’s fine. The cost of all those material things is your happiness. The price of your happiness would be less holidays and material things.

My advice would be to talk to a solicitor specialising in family law. I was in a similar position and did that - it was so helpful and reassuring. Once I saw what I would be entitled to as a settlement and in benefits, I was pleasantly surprised and realised that I could do it. I love my life now.

This is going to sound harsh - but what do expect people to say when you keep posting about your bad relationship?

Why post?

I’m not saying don’t post. But you can’t just expect people to tilt their head and say, ‘aw, poor you’…..?

but people on here LTB for every little thing.

No. They don’t.

If you actually read the posts carefully OP, you'll see the advice given by some of the most expert people on here, who have lived the experience and know how they went about it, which isn't as simplistic as you're taking it.

consider their good advice, which often includes things like

• you don't need to up and leave today, make plans over time
• get your ducks in a row over a period of time: documents, bank details, passports, FO fund etc get yourself ready while you have stability of living in your marital home, and have a routine,
• take legal advice to gain clarity on the process of separation and divorce, and work out your priorities (children, fair split of house and financials)

if posters say LTB, it's shorthand. It isn't "pack your bags and leave now", it's because you post details about your life and your relationship which leads people to believe you'd be better off without him. They give advice, which includes splitting from someone who's dragging you down, and you can choose to listen to it or ignore. The rest is up to you.

Actually op I’m hugely sympathetic. It feels impossible to leave when you have SO much going on in your life. Teaching and all its overtime; young kids who need so much care and attention. It can be done.

You need to start planning. You aren’t in a hurry to leave, so be clever about this.

you have credit card or other debt - well that’s financial abuse if you’ve been out of work to be a sahm and he’s forced you into debt. Does he know? Could you talk to him about him clearing your debt?

if you are doing all the life admin then tell him straight “I need to clear my debt now I’m working. Therefore from now I will be making changes so I can get my finances under control again.”

Start cutting your own hair and the kids hair yourself with scissors or just let everyone’s hair grow long. Make sure the in-laws see the kids a lot and when they comment say very brightly “well I’m in debt because obviously I had no money when I was a sahm and dh keeps all his own money, so I’m just economising really as debt is so expensive, and now the interest rates are rising I’d like to clear my debt and become a saver again!”

Second-hand everything for clothes including coats and everything else you can think of. Shoes for older kids should be new maybe except wellies and slippers. So much cheaper. I’m not financially abused and I buy second hand - fabulous stuff on Vinted. My mil stopped commenting years ago as she knows I won’t change.

For meals - if he leaves you doing the cooking, then buy Basic everything. Quick and simple Vegetarian food on a basic meal plan for him from now on - pasta with basic tomato sauce, cauliflower or macaroni cheese, barley and lentil based soups in the slow cooker, toast with baked beans. You can add protein for yourself and the kids (a fried egg, a slice of ham or chicken).

when it comes to these luxury holidays who is running around booking, making sure the house is clean, organising foreign currency, packing? Just stop. You are now busy at work.

When it comes to birthdays, Christmas or religious festivals, who is running around organising, making food, buying gifts, welcoming guests? Just cut it all right back. If he invites guests over then they can have a cup of tea, a nice chat and a biscuit or some basic peanuts. Again if it’s the in-laws visiting just make them aware you’re broke. They are probably unaware the misery he’s making you live in.

Find an available, regular babysitter and start using them. This will be worth it’s weight in gold when you leave as the kids will be used to spending time with someone else. Use the time to go out. You could house hunt, or take up a hobby or just take your marking to a local pub or cafe and sit and do that! Find yourself again.

What I’m saying is - start “practising” your new cheap lifestyleand build your escape fund. Try and start drawing small random amounts cash every week at the supermarket or petrol station or anywhere with cash back eg £80 or £50 or whatever., keeping it safe and then and paying it into a separate bank account (set up a brand new account at a different bank to your normal one, choose one with a local branch). It’s untraceable in a divorce.

Does your dh give you no money, ever? Does he not let you see bank account statements?

I did it. It’s not easy. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
Doesn’t mean you can’t do it either.

Oh and needless to say if you’re doing all the admin at home and he’s not helping - then that’s means you tell him “I haven’t had time to reinsure the house” (trust me he will jump in and do that and it’ll save you a few hundred quid).

Stop doing his dry cleaning. You’re broke.

Stop ironing anything (kids don’t mind rumpled clothes). You’re busy.

are you paying subscriptions eg Netflix/sky/internet/landline? Cancel them and immediately tell him so he can step in if he wants to. The message is, “sorry but I’m in debt”.

Cleaning the house? Just stop the majority of tidying and cleaning. You’re busy. Tell him now you’re working you don’t have time and HE can organise a cleaner if he feels it would be better (you’re broke and can’t afford it).

If you’re the one doing the shopping switch brands - don’t buy him razors or deodorant or “man’s” shower gel or shampoo. Buy hard soap for the adults - he can buy his own additional stuff if he wants it.

Sleeping in a shared bed? Stop changing the sheets. Let him do it. Move to spare room if you feel better. Assuming you are not having sex with him, if you are then stop it. The message is You’re tired and don’t feel great now you’re too poor to look nice.

Sell stuff, you must have loads of spare stuff you could sell! Get all that unwanted stuff up on FB market. When you leave you won’t have space. Look around for things he won’t notice or care you’re selling. Keep the cash in your special bank account.

unless the credit card debt is really crippling you I would only make minimal attempt to reduce it - in a divorce it counts, effectively he will have to pay half. Do try and pay the minimum but don’t clear it. Try and consolidate it all in one place - you can consult debt charities for ideas.

You're totally right OP, it's not easy. I've been in a 6 year divorce battle, abroad, unemployed and STBX is a manipulative arsehole who has really made it hard. And nowhere to leave to, can't leave the country without his permission.

But there's no amount of money that makes staying worth the deterioration of my mental health.

There's no amount of money that makes up for my children growing up with their childhoods dominated by his whims.

So the question you need to answer is what is it worth to you? You're currently saying that it's worth staying with him because you have help with childcare and it's financially more comfortable.

Yet you don't want to be with him.

So, that would suggest you have a bit of time to plan. Figure out how to increase your income, talk to a lawyer and figure out if there are financial options you don't know about. And people have suggested Woman's Aid, which means there's some sort of domestic abuse going on. If so then definitely speak to them. There's no equivalent where I am and I wish I could have gotten the support.

Divorce isn't easy, it's also really, really scary, but if you don't want to be in a marriage then staying in it will ultimately damage you psychologically, if any abuse doesn't get there first. And at the end of the day, your children need a mother who isn't being damaged by their living situation, because they need their mother.

If you keep posting about your marriage and keep being told to LTB then you should probably start to plan to LTB.

If you don;t want to leave enough to put up with the hardship of that, make the best of where you are. And stop posting if it's not helpful. There are places you can post where people will either take the man's side (Reddit) or just say awwww hun (Netsmums). If that;s what you prefer. MN has a low tolerance for shit men and will advise you accordingly.

And I left one shit marriage. I did have friends and family though. I know I was fortunate. I have also taken in numerous women who didn't have anyone else though. When they left. Cultivate good friends. Preferably ones with a spare room. Save up, get advice, work more hours, cut the fat in your life, plan.

I left my dh. (About 15 years ago) I stayed in the house. (2 bed semi) I got uc as I was a low earner (approx 16k a year) he paid bills for a few months while we adjusted (he moved in with his parents) then maintenance £500pm. I bought him out the house and my parents guaranteed it as I earned too little. I increased my hours as maintenance dropped when he got his own place. We weren't rich but I could afford everything and we had a holiday every year.

Now I am with second dh I love him very much and have no intention to leave but we own a 4 bed detached house. And I earn approx 14k. If we split we would have to sell house and split profit and use it to each buy a smaller house. I'd get half his pension and half our savings . I'd probably have to increase my hours but it would definitely be doable.

Do the people who advise LTB say it's easy? I've never seen that. People will advise LTB on the basis of the OP's description of the relationship, knowing that it may in some cases be very difficult to separate, and not necessarily expecting the OP to just leave easily. Very often what the OP is asking is basically 'Is my partner's behaviour bad enough to justify leaving?', so that's what posters respond to, not the logistics.

I've rarely seen an LTB on MN that I haven't agreed with. If there's one thing that's clear from reading the Relationships board, it's that women need to have a higher bar when it comes to men's behaviour, not a lower one.