My emotionally abusive mother is reporting me for neglect

[Whyisshedoingthis]

I have been in bits all evening and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn and on a Friday night there’s not much I can do but sit here and panic.

My mum is a narcissist. She has always treated my differently to my siblings and I am the scapegoat. My other siblings see this but do not tell her this because they are scared of her.

Our relationship has always been totally toxic. It always starts as an argument over nothing, which then turns into her twisting things against me to guilt me into thinking it’s all my fault. Other times it’s walking on egg shells around her until she snaps. She never thinks she is in the wrong, and for some reason I go back and apologise - even if it’s just been standing up for myself, every time.

I have a chronic illness which nearly killed me once (life saving surgery 10 years ago), and I have been in a pretty horrific flare for a few months.

I‘ve had 3 hospital admissions and countless doctors visits and yes I totally understand this makes me look like a hyperchondriac but I am awaiting investigations and they are monitoring my symptoms, at the moment my CRPs are up, blood pressure is low, anemic and chronically tachycardic and I have an internal bleed. I’m feeling pretty awful.

Today I text her saying how shitty I was feeling (I know, shouldn’t have bothered) and she snapped at me saying it’s ‘probably because you need to go on a diet’ (she is constantly telling me how fat I am) and when I called her out on it, she started calling me manipulative and saying I need to take accountability for my actions and that I was nasty. I don’t know what got into me but I told her that she was talking about herself.

An hour later I got a call from my step dad telling me that if I had something to say, to say it to their faces (he’s quite a big guy, said it in quite a threatening tone).

Something got into me and I did go round there. I felt fed up of just being put down all the time and I think I’m just so exhausted that something just made me go ok, sure.

i really wish I hadn’t because I’ve been at home crying for three hours.

Long story short, I’ve been screamed at in the face by both parents for an hour, and I shouted back and defended myself.

They saw red and told me that they think I am mentally unwell, that I lie about being unwell and only stay in the hospital because I like the attention. They said I have that munchausens & that I need to be locked up, that there is nothing wrong with me and that someone needs to section me.

They continued to say that I am not fit to be a mother, that I am a shit mother, and that they have been ‘documenting’ me over the past few weeks and are going to be calling social services on Monday and cite neglect, so to say goodbye to my son because I won’t see him again and they are going to ‘make sure of it’.

My son is only 3, is autistic, non verbal and developmentally delayed. He is mine and my partner’s (his dads) whole world and I cannot imagine what would go through his little mind if either of us wasn’t there. I feel like I’m going to throw up.

Yes I have been unwell but I always give 100% to my son and he has TWO parents and has an amazing relationship with his dad.

I am terrified. They can and will get nasty, they want to hurt me. I am scared that social services will believe them and I will lose my son/they will have custody of them. They know how to be convincing and I know they are going to do it.

I just can’t stop crying and I’m a mess. If anyone can advise me on what is best to do, please do.

OP - take a deep breath. I’ve read your post and can reassure you there is no way SS will take your boy from his parents on the basis of malicious talk and you being unwell.

I’m no expert on the topic but I would be going NC with this awful pair as they are doing you no good in your life. They are playing on your illness and vulnerability to scare and manipulate you. Sounds like you have a lovely partner and lots to be hopeful for. Don’t let them scare you as they can’t touch you once you cut them off. They don’t deserve a second more of your time.

You will not lose your son over the say-so of two spiteful family members so if your son is loved and well cared for dont worry about that. Start making a plan on how to cut these people out of your life. Hope you feel better soon

They won't be able to do anything.
I imagine if they did ring SS then SS kay come round, have a look at your son and you and leave.

Your description of your mum is 100% like mine so I know exactly what you're talking about.
I also had an argument last week and ended up in a similar manner. I think it's so good you stood up for yourself.

Your parents will get nowhere. I wouldn't worry

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have absolutely no advice other than to cut your toxic mother and stepdad out of your life for good. What a horrible horrible person she is. I hope things get better soon, op 💐

You sound like things are really difficult and medically you can’t fake those blood results or blood pressure readings. They are very valid.

Write down a timeline of everything that has happened when you are calm and send it to yourself as an email so it’s time stamped. So you can show SS if it comes to it you wrote what happened before they got involved. I promise they are used to malicious complaints. You now know what your mum (not DM) thinks of you and you go NC from today.

Oh and I would obviously cut contact with them.

Hi @Whyisshedoingthis
Your Mum won't report you. Honestly i've had the worst of the worst said to me. It's just anger. Please don't worry ok, your son is not going anywhere. Take a deep breath and don't worry xx

You do not need these people in your life. They are vile and vicious.

That will probably come across in any referral they make.

Children's services might do an assessment or checks which would usually need your consent if serious safeguarding concerns were raised. They would contact your health visitor and gp and any nursery most likely. They can only work on evidence, social workers don't have the power to take children away, only courts and that is a last resort.

Malicious referrals are quite familiar to most social workers.

The best thing you can do is focus on taking care of yourself and safeguarding you and your son from them. I know it's easier said than done but do your best to get some sleep and not to worry

You need to go no contact with them immediately. Block them on your phone and have nothing more to do with them. They bring absolutely nothing positive to the equation.

And don’t worry about SS. It’s more than likely an idle threat, and even if it wasn’t, SS will see your son is in a home with 2 caring parents.

Cut your parents out of your life as soon as you can, especially with a chronic health problem. Chronic health issues can often be the result of a stressful childhood with parents like these, you don't need stress to make your conditions flare up any more than they already do. I've been there and it took my mother dying to realise (after the grief, ofcourse) how much better I felt after she wasn't around.

I’m sorry - this is so awful. I hope you get better soon and there’s no way SS will have any concerns based on what you’ve said.

You will absolutely NOT lose custody of your son from this type of allegation, SS can see through this type of bullshit!
You absolutely DO need to go completely no contact with these lunatics you call ‘parents’!
I really think investing a ring type doorbell in case of unsolicited visits, and blocking them from all social media, phone numbers etc
Also make it clear to your siblings you don’t want them to know anything about you or your family from this point on.
It will be okay, hope you are alright. 💐

Can you name one positive thing these people add to your life? The last thing you need is the stress they are piling on to you.

I would reduce or end your contact with them.

I would imagine your DS has had a fair bit of interaction with professionals in the medical profession etc. None of them have raised any concerns have they. Your child probably has more independent objective assessments of their wellbeing than most children their age. You have plenty of evidence of good care and they have no evidence of bad.

The fact that they have left you worrying about your son being removed from your care is all I need to hear to tell you to never contact these people again.

You might get a call from SS if they make a report. As horrible as it is, don't avoid the communication with SS. They will not remove your son because you are unwell. He has a loving home. Tell them you have had a family dispute with your parents and this is malicious.

If your parents continue to contact you/your son tell them you consider them to be harassing you. Protect your family and your peace!

The only thing I would do before blocking them is take screenshots of recent and historic text exchanges. If SS do investigate they could be useful to show how they treat you (I.e. the opposite of concerned grandparents trying to support you).

I would absolutely do as a previous poster suggested and email SS yourself with a timeline of events and a precis of the argument: including their threat of going to social services. As the PP said, this way it's time-stamped to provide evidence of the malicious report.

You will absolutely not lose your son over this, so please try and regulate as best you can to avoid making your flare worse, honey. As a fellow disabled/chronically ill parent you have all my love & support, as this has always been my worst nightmare.

Don't email SS - no need to raise a flag until it's necessary, but do email yourself.

Honestly, I get you're shaken but a) SS get malicious referrals all the time b) I actually bet they won't report c) even if they do, it's then out of their hands - they can't 'make sure' of anything d) SS will immediately see that you are good parents. Please, please, please don't panic. And fgs cut contact.

What on earth are you doing still having contact with these people??! Madness. They’re never going to change. You wouldn’t accept this abuse from strangers so why on earth are you accepting it from family, people who are supposed to love you?

My Mum was exactly like this. When she died it was like a breath of fresh air. Seriously just cut the fuckers out.

I have a disabled child who sounds very similar to yours (he’s now 11) and I also have chronic multiple disabilities so I can relate. Nothing is worth this much stress.

What is your chronic illness? Why do they think it’s fake?

I hope the PPs have given you some comfort and reassurance. No one with any common sense would doubt your health problems- the NHS doesn’t have the resources for hypochondriacs. They are quickly discharged.

I seldom agree with going no but I think you really must do that for yourself, your child and partner. And I think it wise to ask your siblings to not provide your mother and step father with information about you and your family.

Try to relax now and get a good night’s sleep

*no contact

I agree with PP & this should definitely be the end of your relationship with them.

Write down everything. Keep screenshots of any nasty texts.

You could actually report this to police via 101 as harassment, as they are now threatening you. Then you would have an official record to show social services if it comes to it.

What is harassment?
The law states that harassment is when a person behaves in a way which is intended to cause you distress or alarm. The behaviour must happen on more than one occasion. It can be the same type of behaviour or different types of behaviour on each occasion. For example, one text message intended to distress you is not harassment. Two text messages may be harassment. One text message and one phone call may also be harassment.
Harassment can include things your abuser has said or done. The incidents could have happened recently or they could have happened months apart.
When deciding whether your abuser’s behaviour is harassment, the court will consider whether a reasonable person, who had the same information your abuser had, would think that it is harassment. An incident of harassment could be a range of things, for example:

• a text, answer-phone message, letter or email
• a comment or threat
• standing outside someone’s house or driving past it
• an act of violence
• damage to someone else’s property
• maliciously and falsely reporting you to the police when you have done nothing wrong

OP take a deep breath first of all.

SS are NOT going to take your child based on what your parents have said today/tonight. You have medical proof that you are unwell and your partner in assuming lives at home with you? SS may call you or visit but that will be a tickbox exercise.

For your own mental health I would honestly cut all contact with them which isn’t an easy thing to do I appreciate.

I know it is not so easy to get therapy in the UK but I also know how hard it is to accept the fact of having a mother like that. So if you possibly can, get some therapy. I wouldn't be surprised if it is contributing to your I'll health