To think I’ll never feel ok again?

[saltvinegarpringles]

Please go easy on me as I’m struggling 😰

i have grown up with various difficulties in my life, including a tricky upbringing and various family issues.

I’ve always suffered with severe anxiety, social anxiety and really poor self-esteem.

It’s now crippling me. I got into a relationship just over a year ago. I am constantly more worried about how he’s feeling than how im feeling. I don’t know how to best explain it but I worry whether he’s having a good time, whether he still likes me, what he’s thinking etc.

We went on a mini staycation this week and it crippled me. I kept worrying about what I was doing, and how I wanted him to have the best few days ever. I tried to not be annoying or mess up because I wanted him to love his trip, and then I just assume that he’s not and I get upset. I didn’t feel relaxed.
I get so in my own head and start vigilantly watching and overanalysing that I end up actually ruin things. I beat myself up about ruining some of the days at the staycation because I kept having to have serious conversations with him to reassure myself…. and I couldn’t move on from it.

He gave me a “tough love” talk earlier. He said he’s not fed up and he’s happy with me but why can’t I just accept that I don’t have control over things and believe he loves me. He said I need to urgently stop worrying about other people and start worrying about myself. And he also said I need to put my energy into solving problems rather than lingering and dwelling on them.

i really don’t know what to do for the best. My brain never feels ok and my constant worry is crippling me. I don’t want to hear “end the relationship” because he’s so good to me and he even said it’s not an option for him when I said he may be better off without me.

it’s the same with everyone too, not just the boyfriend but I worry what everyone thinks constantly and I can’t ever relax.
Sorry if half of this didn’t make sense but what do I do?

Have you ever sought any help for this? You haven't said what you've tried in the past.

I would seek therapy and medication, perhaps even an assessment for autism.

As you have struggled with these issues for your entire adult life, it’s unreasonable to expect you to tackle them all by yourself. You urgently need to get to the bottom of why you have social anxiety, severe anxiety and low self esteem. Medication might also help you with the anxiety of the intrusive thoughts you keep getting- the worry, over analysing, second guessing, and then being too critical and harsh towards yourself.

Focus on more positive thoughts and goals. Get involved with projects, activities, hobbies. When you catch yourself having an anxious thought, shout (internally) a certain word to stop yourself eg ANXIETY (imagine it as an evil monster) and deliberately think about something else. Make a list of books to read, films to see, places to visit.

Have you been to your GP about your anxiety? This is no way to live you deserve some help. I know it's not what you want to hear but you're not in the right place for a relationship right now, you're far too vulnerable and this is not a healthy relationship.

Do you love him? Even when you aren’t having the best day ever?

if so, then you are going to have to allow him to have some days that aren’t great, and to logically accept that it’s perfectly feasible he can love you just as much on the bad days as the good. It’s very much a two way thing and you need to consciously remind yourself it’s ok for things to not be perfect until it becomes habit to believe it.

This is what CBT helps with (or CBT-style methods that deal with how to think differently). You do have to retrain your brain to think differently. It can be done, it does take months rather than days as you're reforming well-worn habitual thoughts, but it is worth doing and you absolutely can 'recover' from this.

A coach whose program I am in has a 4 N methodology for this kind of thoughtwork.

Notice: become aware of what you're thinking, eg by journalling and emptying your head onto paper.

Normalise: why is it totally normal that you would think this way? (for example, it's normal for me to have these thoughts because I've been anxious for a long time and have a lifelong people-pleasing habit. NB - there is NO JUDGMENT on yourself for any of your thoughts, so steer clear of negative language here.)

Neutralise: if you are feeling judgy of yourself and like you're failing for not being able to think 'normally', this is where you neutralise that feeling. (For example, I sometimes think thoughts I don't like and it's something I am working to change.)

Next best thought: chose a thought that makes you feel better, eg, I believe I can change my thinking habits if I consistently practice every day and keep showing up for myself. I know that small daily changes add up to big shifts over time, so even if I don't feel like I am making progress as fast as I would like, I will continue to practice as best I can and trust that change is happening.

Hope this was helpful!

Get some support. U owe it to yourself

I’ve tried therapy and a psychologist but I just didn’t gel with them. I’m now not in a financial position to pay for it. I’m currently on the waiting list for ADHD assessment and any sort of help. I tried medication but that wasn’t effective either. I just honestly feel like giving up

I get so worked up about giving him the “best holiday ever” that I end up ruining it

im so exhausted

So try again. I’ve had shit psychologists before, I moved on to other ones. They are all individual and you need to be able to trust the one you have because you make yourself quite vulnerable. Similarly, I’ve been on psychiatric medication for almost ten years and it is still being tweaked. The first few years was trying different medications (and combinations) that did not work. Then they started to help and since then it has been making tweaks to optimise. You have to stick with it.

I can totally relate to this, I am awaiting a ADHD assessment also. I have been single for 8 years now, have attempted to date but like you it just causes me extra anxiety knowing I have to worry about what some else is feeling or thinking, wether I make them happy or if they still find me attractive. I got to a point where I felt my mental health was much better when single.

Aww sweetie, I feel u. Have you tried meditation or mindfulness?
I used to be like this as well. Turned menopausal and now MY needs are greater than anyone else's , 😆 .
Ps
Your new partner should be aiming to please YOU, cos you are sooo worth it ❤️ x

I’m not sure i agree. Her partner has said he is there for her and he sounds very supportive. A supportive partner can make a world of difference to someone struggling. An unhealthy relationship is when one partner has serious issues but does nothing to get help- if OP keeps trying to get help and her partner is ok with supporting her on the journey, then it’s not an unhealthy relationship.

He's right that you need to put more energy into solving problems, specifically solving your anxiety problem. If you love him maybe that could motivate you to stop giving up on dealing with your problem. For most people getting these problems until control is not a matter of trying one or two things and then quitting. You can get better, but not if you give up.

I think you're hyper vigilant for problems and your emotional scars have affected your self esteem so you're finding it hard to believe in this lovely reality that someone could think you're fantastic.

The answer is to try to find healing and therapy for the damage, try not to turn only to your bf for reassurance (though some reassurance can be helpful and ok to give/have), but he can't fix this, and suspect if your struggle is as strong as that, you'll probably need assistance to get to a point where someone loving you doesn't cause you excruciating cognitive dissonance.

Good luck op, it's bloody uncomfortable and a massive mind fuck, but you can come through it, I've largely managed to, though still have my moments (late 40's now)

Wow. Honestly. I could have wrote this and I felt every word your saying. I am also being assessed for ADHD. Tricky upbringing family issues etc. and the constant worry about if the other half still loves me etc. it's constant and it's draining. Your not the only one. It got so bad that I HAD to train my brain how I think. And it's better. It's not gone I do still worry sometimes but you need to train your brain how to think different and you will be a lot happier trust me. All the best lovely x