Anyone else find mediation a joke?

[Babynumberone369]

Not sure if this is the right thread but just got back from a mediation session and so shocked.

It feels as though the whole system is set up to support Disney dad's who take no responsibility for the hard bits but want weekends to 'make memories'.

I work full time and without bleating on I really struggle with childcare costs/bugs/sleepless night/work guilt/mum guilt. He's always had Friday 2-6 and Sundays 11-4 but now wants more weekend time.

I thought mediation would be child centred but what's best for her wasn't mentioned once... Only how we can bend to meet dad's wants. He lives in a singles block on an army camp so any time he spends with her is out somewhere. It's a lot as it is for a little one.

Anyone else had a better experience or is this normal?

Thank you :)

I am a civil and commercial mediator, not a family mediator but the principles remain the same. The whole point of mediation is that everything is brought to the table then sieved out as time goes on. Every thought, idea and feelings need to be put on the table. Mediation should not be one sided and you need to feel comfortable to express what you want and need and that should be all taken into consideration otherwise you will feel rail roaded into a decision that is not best for all and that is the point its about what is best for all

What exactly are you demanding?

Regardless of what you want there is some standard stuff that the other parent will likely get.

So if he is basically asking for more time in the day with a child under school age, or more time in the day every other weekend with a school age child he will get it if he went to court.

@Reugny i just want it to stay the same until he has a home to take her to...
I think a whole day out somewhere is a lot for a 2yr old.
If he wasn't so tight and rented a flat/house I'd be happy with whole days building to overnights, as I know if she's a bit under the weather or not quite right, they could mix being out with some time indoors playing. Especially through the winter.

@StarMediatorChanelle thank you, that's what I thought it would be like🙁

Remember you still have control and mediation is not absolute, seek alternative solutions or a different mediator so you can be heard and actually find an agreement you are both happy with

I stopped mediation with my ex as he was just lying and bullshitting and it wasn't gonna go anywhere.

OP you do realise regardless of whether he has a home or not, if your child is sick at the time of planned contact your child stays with you?

Parents actually argue about where their child should be when they are sick but in your case you know your child will be always be with you and even returned to you early, because he doesn't have suitable accommodation.

I thought you said meditation and was going to strongly agree with you. I’ll get my coat…

Thank you @Reugny I didn't know that. It's been a big issue in the past.

You don't like mediation because you aren't getting your own way. Of course a father should see his daughter more than 2 afternoons a week. The reason why mediation doesn't work for you is because you aren't prepared to find the reasonable middle ground. When mediation is deemed to fail he will be able to go to court and will win there.

You will be far better off going back to mediation being prepared to agree to a fair compromise.

@Spirallingdownwards I'm not against him having her more, I just think he should provide a home for her if that's what he wants.
He also had very little interest in her until now since she's deemed fun. Won't do night times, bath times, mornings, Dr's apps, nursery drop offs, pick ups, refuses to help with cover when she's ill... It's not a typical involved/loving dad situation.
If something better like a night out comes up, we don't see him for dust

My experience of mediation, based on one session, is that there was a determined route to finding the middle, but at the expense of our child. In my case, ex assaulted our DD, at school, bad enough for the school to report it to SS. I also viewed it on CCTV as well. He's not taking it seriously, framing it as reasonable restraint. The mediator was entertaining this idea, and he was lapping it up, getting that validation from a stranger who hadn't seen the footage. It was all about how he can handle our daughter, not about handling his anger. This is a dangerous position, in my opinion and I'll be bringing it up in the next mediation session. If he still sticks to this position, with the mediator validating it then it looks like court 😞 Maybe mediation is not the right forum for this kind of discussion but I can't see any other route to address it other than court, which is stressful 😞

You’re lucky at least you’re going through mediation, although it probably doesn’t feel that way. Mine managed to bypass mediation by providing the court with two restraining orders I’ve got against him and the court took that to be sufficient evidence that mediation was not required. Not that it wasn’t likely to be successful because he needed a restraining order.
Honestly, the best advice I can give anybody is stay out of court if you can because they are absolute Muppets who don’t work in the Mum dad or child best interests and seem to cost a lot of money to justify their own existence

@Soopermum1 I'm really sorry, that's an awful situation to be in for both you and your daughter. Anyone reported to ss by a school shouldn't get the air time in mediation, it should be him proving himself and not the other way around. Something has gone horribly wrong with the system 😞

@NameandShame Thank you, I'm petrified of it going to court because you're not the first person to say it. Hope it's all sorted for you now?
I blindly thought all of it was about our responsibility to the child, and her rights to a relationship with us both. But instead it's mums responsibilities and dad's rights 😏 the child is just a pawn in it all

My feeling is that there is rarely any recognition in family mediation that there is usually a huge power imbalance. And very few mediators realise their role needs to be to reset that.

My bullying abusive ex generally just used sessions to gaslight and bully while the mediator sat their impassive.

Only one mediator (a man, interestingly) recognised that my ex was bullying and controlling and that I couldn't cope and found ways to re-set the balance.

Most just sat there, impassive to my obvious distress. Unconcerned by the fact that victims of abuse are not meant to be asked to go to mediate but cafcass still insisted.

Something very different from mediation is needed for most separating couples, in many cases I expect an imbalance of power is at the heart of things going so wrong

I hated the sessions, it was just being abused and gaslit but with an audience for my ex to play to

@TheSnorghAndTheSailor I completely understand that. I shake when I get a text from him, having to sit opposite him listening to my character assassination for 90 mins was not enjoyable or productive.
How did you go about changing mediators? I get me considering that just looks like I'm doing it because I'm not getting my own way..

@Babynumberone369 the good mediator was the first one we used I think (for finances)... he then refused to use them ever again

I tried resisting mediation given evidence of abuse but was basically bullied into it by a very aggressive cafcass officer. Each time we tried it it was awful. Just a new stick for him to beat me with but he never took on board anything they said and never complied with anything we agreed to (his approach was the same to court orders -he ignored them but used them as a stick to beat me with)