AIBU to feel this way about my friendship, what can I say or do to help?
Apologies this is a long story cut as short as possible. My best friend of 20 years (we are both 31 and met at secondary school) has been in a new relationship for a year, with a man that I have only met once for 5 minutes as he seems to have no interest in getting to know me, and seems to be socially isolating my friend.
In that time she has become a stepmum to a lovely 5 year old (I haven’t met the child), boyfriend (now very serious) has moved into her house. They have bought two dogs together and have shared custody of the child with the child’s mother (who they have every 3 days for 3 days). So life for my friend quickly got a lot busier! Fortunately, she has been able to go part time with her job as has financial security in this relationship. Though I do wonder if this is a power move from the boyfriend as she was previously SO career driven.
I am 99% sure that there is something toxic going on. My friend has been socially isolating herself, has not seen any of her own friends or family for 9 months now (despite being very close knit before this relationship) and claiming that newfound ‘mum life’ is the reason she can only text me once every 3 weeks despite me constantly checking in if she’s okay. She will arrange things months in advance then cancel plans on the day or ghost until the day after. Other friends have noticed the same. When she does message, she claims all sunshine and roses, just busy busy busy, but has started saying things totally out of character, such as ‘sorry I/we are unable to make our plans this weekend, we are instead going to be’… ‘reconnecting mentally’ and ‘practicing being present in the relationship’. When I have complained about the lack of contact she says ‘phones are a luxury when you have kids.’ She also claims it is easier to stay home at weekends so that she can organise meals and housework as boyfriend not capable of sorting himself out… he’s 35 and a divorced dad of 1. They see his parents often.
Now she claims that reason for ex wife divorcing and winning everything in the divorce (all funds and house) was that the ex wife accused him of being controlling and manipulating. My friend claims this is all bull. RED FLAGS to me.
seen as I literally can’t get my friend on her own to raise my concerns, how do I go about raising it with her. I am finding it hard to formulate views on the boyfriend as I only met him for 5 minutes 9 months ago and he told me to enjoy the rest of the year!! I am genuinely concerned that she is into something strange here…
not sure if it helps but I am happily engaged and have been for 7 years, so I am very comfortable with my own healthy boundaries in a relationship.