Long time poster, name change for this post.
For background, DH has a gambling addiction. It isn't always an out of control addiction as he isn't spending large sums of money or doing it secretively etc. It is however an addiction none the less and it does at times impact our family, through his mood etc. He gambles every week, small amounts usually anywhere around £5-20. However, he battles with mental health and has other addictions from his past that he is thankfully in long term recovery from. When he is struggling with his mental health the gambling increases and he finds it extremely difficult to stop. Again, this stays relatively low (as far as gambling addiction goes) and is never above £50-60 as he is always aware of how much is too much. We have a young family and he put that amount in place as a limit for himself as he knows we don't have endless amounts of money to be spending on this.
About 6 months ago, he had one of these flare ups and was in a vicious cycle of winning small amounts back and putting it straight back on and when he finally lost it all, he blew his top and the anger came spilling out. He immediately took himself off so that me and the kids didn't have to be witness to it and when he came back some hours later, begged me to help him. Together, we put a game ban on his phone which is currently in place for 10 years. We discussed getting him professional help, but he decided against it in the end.
Roll on a few weeks and I (stupidly?) let him place a small £5 bet on my phone - with me present. I had my phone straight back off him and all was good. If I hadn't let him use my phone, he would have likely took himself off to the bookies and would have been back in the cycle, so I figured doing it with me was less likely to have any repercussions. He was going to do it anyway so I thought at the time it was the right thing. The next week, he asked if he could use my phone to place a bet again and although hesitant, the week previous hadn't been an issue, so I handed it over to him. He then picked my phone up a little later in the day unbeknownst to me and added more money and gambled some more. I don't check our bank regularly, so didn't notice this for quite some time. So the pattern of me lending him my phone to put a very small bet on each week continued. I thought it was all under control.
The other day we were talking on the phone and he mentioned putting a bet on that night, to which I replied 'Yeah no worries but remember we've got a lot to pay for this month so make it a small one' He blew up like a bottle of pop, called me controlling and started going off about how he's a grown man and can do what he wants. I calmly left the conversation as didn't want to start an argument over the phone. Later that night we discussed what had happened, he apologised and said he was struggling with the addiction again but that he would like a little more control over when and how much he can spend.
As someone who's been in an emotionally and financially controlling relationship, I never want to make my DH feel like that! I thought I was doing the right thing and didn't for a second think it may seem controlling to DH. I thought he saw it as me trying to help. I now feel absolutely awful that he feels this way but don't know where to go from here. He doesn't want to get professional help and the addiction isn't causing us any financial issues, but it is causing stress and strain on our relationship.
AIBU?
Should I back off? Have I been getting too involved and coming across controlling? I trust the man explicitly, but addiction is a completely different ball game and it's easy for it to take hold of you. If it were just the 2 of us, I wouldn't feel so uneasy, but with kids to think of and him not wanting professional help, I don't know what to do for the best.
Sorry this was so long.