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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Rude colleague or my fault

18 replies

Cluelessat33 · 22/09/2023 07:34

I need perspective on this, because work is stressful at the moment and I worry I'm not seeing this clearly. Last night I was at a work event, when a colleague had dressed me down quite severely for turning my back on another colleague. Myself and the other colleague were just talking about not much of importance when the male colleague approached me. Myself and this male colleague had a briefing with some of our guests scheduled, which had been put back. He approached me and I turned to speak to him about the briefing being moved, as he was involved. He listened briefly, then cut across me and really laid into me about how I have been really rude to the female colleague I'd been speaking to previously by turning my back on her. He really did sat me down. And I had no idea how to respond. I finished what I needed to say quickly and then apologised to the female colleague, who said she'd not even noticed.

Later on this same male colleague cut across to me mid briefing, to quite rudely correct me, very publicly. I've been left feeling pretty humiliated. For context I've had increasing issues with this colleague. He can be very offhand. He acts as support across the business, but can be very condescending and rude when you ask for help in his area of expertise. Basically what he's employed to do. I'm a female in my 30s and this man is in his late 50s I suppose. For what it's worth I'm a higher grade to him, as a middle manager.

I felt mortified that my actions had been considered so rude particularly as the female colleague in question is also a good friend. But it was a very busy event and honestly nothing was meant by it. I knew I had to speak to this man about the briefing being delayed while I saw him. Am I over reacting. Was I a d* as argued by this man?

OP posts:

iamwhatiam23 · 22/09/2023 07:42

To be honest your male colleague sounds like a massive arsehole! He was unprofessional, rude and condescending and I would be making a complaint to my manager or HR if i were in your position!

Springcleaninginsummer · 22/09/2023 07:44

He is a dickhead. Don't allow him to speak to you rudely. "Some manners from you wod be a nice change, Nigel."

Springcleaninginsummer · 22/09/2023 07:45

Not sure why my phone thinks wod is a word!

TiredMamOfTwo · 22/09/2023 07:46

"Don't you think you're being rude having no manners?"

FOJN · 22/09/2023 07:49

I'm a female in my 30s and this man is in his late 50s I suppose. For what it's worth I'm a higher grade to him, as a middle manager.

Sorry to say that I knew this before I got to that point in your post. He's an arsehole.

You could report him to HR but I wonder if you need to assert yourself professionally before you take that step. If you feel confident enough I would speak to him today and tell him that his behaviour was unprofessional and you will not tolerate feedback delivered in the way that he did it.

jeaux90 · 22/09/2023 07:50

Ok two things yes he sounds like a massive arsehole, don't let him get away with that next time. He sounds like a condescending prick.

If turning away from a conversation I always say sorry I just need to speak with x/massive arsehole.

dudsville · 22/09/2023 07:58

It sounds like he's going to do this again. I think you need a strong but professional response that you might need to rehearse so you're ready. But also i would report it to your line manager as this sounds like it will escalate. I honestly don't know what i would say, but playing with wording, something like a hand up in the stop mode with "hold it there x, this is the 3rd time you've done this to me now and it's not ok. I don't know what your issue is but i suggest you speak about it with your line manager, as I've done." And then walk away even if he's replying. And just keep repeating your chosen phrase each time, calmly and walking away.

Chickenkeev · 22/09/2023 07:58

He's just jealous of you and trying to assert himself as a 'big important older man'. I wouldn't give it a second thought, save for filing him in your brain as a prick, and be ready if he gets uppity with you again so you can shut him down.

EvilElsa · 22/09/2023 08:11

He's an arsehole. He wanted to stamp his authority and make you feel small. Obviously has insecurities over working alongside a younger women in a similar level role.
Next time I'd tell him not to speak to you like that and turn away from him mid sentence. Don't entertain his bullshit. If he continues, make a complaint.

junbean · 22/09/2023 08:14

He's intimidated by you, that's why he keeps trying to knock you down a rung. It's so disgusting when men do this!

notcurrentlyactive · 22/09/2023 08:45

Oh I've had to deal with plenty of people like this!

Firstly, regardless of your grade, you don't ever have to tolerate being spoken to rudely.

But secondly if you're more senior to him, use that power! Next time he does this ('cause he'll almost certainly come back for seconds), stand your ground and say politely and firmly, 'Do not speak to me like that' or (my personal favourite), 'I'd advise you to watch your tone'. Keep a poker face and allow for awkward silence but own the moment and take back the power he's trying to steal from you.

I had a colleague who was rude, dismissive (seemingly mostly of women) and I used to feel actual fear when I saw him approach as I knew he'd go out of his way to try and embarrass me. He used to talk over me in meetings and try to belittle my experience, until one day in a meeting, in the middle of me speaking he just started rabbiting on over the top of me. This time I just held up a hand in a 'stop' gesture and said, 'please stop talking over me. I haven't finished what I was saying'.

You could have heard a pin drop but it did the trick. Practise a few simple (polite) but non negotiable sentences and try them out. If the person explodes or tries to escalate further, stick to your guns and say, 'I am not continuing this conversation until you speak to me with respect'.

And if all else fails, talk to HR. You do not have to put up with this!

therealtalk · 22/09/2023 08:55

He sounds condescending and if I’m honest, and little emasculated and intimidated by women (especially younger women) that he works with, therefore, he has to be a complete and utter prick to reassert his manhood. He’s not worth even a second of your thoughts. Personally, if you feel comfortable enough to stand up to him, call him out on his behaviour. You’re above him role wise, so at no point should he be calling out your behaviour in front of others unless it’s abusive. If he has an issue, he should call you to the side and speak to you privately. If you don’t feel comfortable, is there another manager above you that you can speak to about him? Just so they keep an eye on his behaviour

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 22/09/2023 08:56

I would be more assertive than PP have suggested. He’s a bully and bullies need to see strength to stop them. As you are senior, use that power. Put a -5 minute meeting in the diary and get him to come to your office. When he arrives, very calmly and quietly say I assume you know why I arranged this meeting? I need to speak to you about your very unprofessional and personally uncivil behaviour at the event. I don’t know whether this is your normal style, whether something was causing you to behave out of character or even whether you were the worse for wear, but I need an apology and an assurance from you that it won’t happen again. If it does I will escalate my concerns about your performance, but if we can sort it now I will be happy on this occasion to let it be water under the bridge.

and then make contemporaneous notes clearly dated and file them somewhere safe.

Original poster

Cluelessat33 · 22/09/2023 09:21

Thank you for all the advice. I was so taken aback by it last night I didn't feel able to respond effectively. And his accusations made me feel like I'd done wrong and to second guess my own behaviour towards my friend.

OP posts:

FartSock5000 · 22/09/2023 10:03

You did nothing wrong. This is a control tactic. He feels threatened by you and wanted to put you down.

Next time he tries, you cut him off. Tell him that it is not his responsibility to correct you and you won't tolerate his continued rudeness. If he has a problem with how you interact with others, he can keep his opinions to himself - he is not HR nor is he the mouthpiece for every employee.

If he interrupts you like he did at the meeting, you pause and stare him down and say "did you mean to be so rude?". If he talks back - you go to HR.

He knows exactly what he is doing. Society has conditioned woman to back down in a confrontation with a man. Don't. Fight back.

Smartstuffed · 22/09/2023 11:28

If it were me I'd ask him outright if he is universally rude to everyone or is it just you for some reason? And if it is just you what the issue is. He sounds like a man with a massive chip on his shoulder...regardless. As pps suggest, be firm/positive and don't smile. You need to gain the moral high ground here. This is the time to assert yourself and show him you won't accept shit treatment. I have had to do this in the past when a female colleague took against me and started flexing her muscles for no good reason.

Throwncrumbs · 22/09/2023 11:39

Take your power and tell him he’s being unprofessional, and if he speaks to you like that again you will take it further. You will feel better for it and put him in his place!

ManateeFair · 22/09/2023 12:20

For what it's worth I'm a higher grade to him, as a middle manager

What the hell does he think he's doing telling you how to behave, then?

I think I'd be inclined to have a chat with your own manager about this, and explain that you found the behaviour very strange, inappropriate and borderline aggressive and that you don't think he should be telling you what to do or reprimanding you. If you have the same manager, they can address it with him. If you have different managers, your manager can address it with his manager.

A while ago I dealt with a situation a bit like this where a colleague in another team had spoken to a member of my team very rudely in front of a large group of colleagues, and I had a conversation with their manager about it, who agreed that it wasn't OK and had a word with her about the way she spoke to people. Turned out that lots of people had also had similarly rude treatment from her but hadn't said anything so it had never been addressed.

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