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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you keep dating a person who is mean to your friend?

16 replies

ClearThisUp · 22/09/2023 06:48

YABU - Yes
YANBU - No

And what would you do if it was a long term partner / married to them?
And the bullying has gone to the point this friend doesn’t wan’t to see the partner ever again.

OP posts:
DilemmaDelilah · 22/09/2023 06:53

I would not like somebody who would deliberately bully or be mean to somebody else, and I could not date somebody I did not like.

As for being married to somebody like that - well it would certainly make me rethink whether I still wanted to be married to them!

ConnieTucker · 22/09/2023 06:55

Di you have other friends? Is this t he closest friend? Is the partner trying to isolate you?

DustyLee123 · 22/09/2023 07:15

No, because the partner could be trying to control and isolate you.
Does the partner have a point, is the friendship not a good one, or is the partner trying to separate you from the one person that can see yours is a bad relationship so will try to help you escape ?

NalafromtheLionKing · 22/09/2023 07:19

If he really is (or was) bullying her, that suggests he has a really horrible side to him. How people treat those around them really shows you who they are so, for example, if I had started dating someone and they were really rude and dismissive to waiters, that would put me right off them.

More difficult if you are married but surely then you know if it’s more of a personality clash or you are actually married to a complete arsehole.

StoatofDisarray · 22/09/2023 07:22

I wouldn't date someone who was mean to anyone. That's called bullying

MammaTo · 22/09/2023 07:50

I’d see it as a sign of controlling behaviour. Trying to isolate you from friends and you feel like you only have your partner to rely on.

jeaux90 · 22/09/2023 07:52

I agree with others it would be a sign of controlling behaviour.

Unless this is not how he treats the majority of others and for example your friend is a racist or something.

ChristmasCrumpet · 22/09/2023 08:23

Depends on the situation...

An old friend of mine would literally come round and whine at me about all her problems. Nothing else. No interest in anything about my life, or offering any support. Neither wanted solutions to her problems. I absolutely get this is part of friendship, but there was literally nothing else to this relationship, she would just turn up unannounced and complain about anything and everything, for a couple of hours, by the time she left, I'd be exhausted and in a low mood. I kept seeing her thinking I was being a good friend.

My DM noticed that I was low, and snappy, and grumpy after every visit.

DM was here one day and friend turned up. Same thing of whining about her work, lack of relationship, her mother, her other friends, her weight, you name it.

DM said "Have you ever tried looking for the positives in your life? It must be so tiring to be so consumed with the negatives?"

Which, wasn't particularly diplomatic, but actually a true statement.

Friend walked out. Later text me to say she wanted notification if my "bully" of a mother was ever at my home again so she could avoid her "nasty comments."

My mum isn't a bully. I haven't seen the friend since, and actually, I hadn't realised how much she affected my mental health.

CaptainMyCaptain · 22/09/2023 08:31

I wouldn't stay with someone who was deliberately mean to anybody.

KimberleyClark · 22/09/2023 08:32

CaptainMyCaptain · 22/09/2023 08:31

I wouldn't stay with someone who was deliberately mean to anybody.

Ditto.

Startingagainandagain · 22/09/2023 08:34

What would you even need to ask that question?

You don't want to be with a bully who is trying to cut you off from your friends. Get rid of him...

GalileoHumpkins · 22/09/2023 08:35

In what way are they bullying you? I can't imagine standing back and letting my husband do that to anyone.

Stompythedinosaur · 22/09/2023 08:36

I think it depends on the perspective of the friend.

I wouldn't want to date someone who was unkind or a bully.

But if my friends accused my long term partner of bullying I'd probably assume a miscommunication was more likely than him having become a horrible person overnight.

MintJulia · 22/09/2023 08:36

YANBU at all. It sounds like he's trying to isolate you, or control who you are friends with.

Some people just clash, I get that, but if your friend is not doing anything to wind him up, I'd have a very blunt word with him. If he can't manage to be polite at the very least, I'd be rethinking the relationship.

Oooooooooooo1 · 22/09/2023 08:38

Is this friend kind to you @ClearThisUp ? Just trying to think of any reason your dp would be so so to her

Defiantjazz · 22/09/2023 08:50

You describe his behaviour as bullying. Why would you date anyone you describe (rightly or wrongly) as a bully? 😵‍💫
Is this a reverse?

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