DS refusing school - WIBU to start homeschooling him?

[mrazak66]

My DS is 15 and he's in his GCSE year. We've had issues with him refusing school for about 3 years due to bullying. School sorted it.

Then we went into lockdown not long after so he couldn't go to school and his dad got into a new relationship, she got pregnant and he no longer bothers with DS. He has an amazing stepdad and he calls him dad but I know his bio dad abandoning him has affected him but he's never admitted it.

He's been refusing ever since, faking illness. We have managed to get him in and he does really well and gets into a routine then doesn't want to go again. Now he has IBS which is caused by stress and that's his excuse. We're in a cycle where he's anxious to go to school which brings up a flare up which means more anxiety.

School are great, they've said he can go to the toilet whenever he needs to, use the disabled/accessible toilets. He said it's embarrassing keep going to the toilet in the middle of class so they've said he can work in a quiet room but that also hasn't helped as he said school will know which is also embarrassing.

He went the first few days of this school year but hasn't been this week. He wanted to go to university but when I mentioned it recently he said he doesn't anymore. I spoke to him last night and I thought I'd gotten through to him but he refused again today due to the IBS.

He's been referred to cahms but all they offered was counselling which didn't help him. Over the summer was much better than at the moment so I think school is the cause. I'm thinking of homeschooling but that would mean I would possibly need to leave work as he wouldn't do the work on his own.

Could he do a shorter day, or reduced timetable at school? Is there a counsellor at school he could talk to?
It would be difficult for you both to start homeschooling in this critical gcse year. Speak to your local Sendias dept at the local authority, they may suggest more support that could be offered by the school.
Can you speak to his Dad to get him to make more effort?

A reduced timetable is normally implemented at this stage (which can be built upon as time goes on). I'm just not convinced that homeschooling is the answer. What if he then decides that he doesn't want to leave the house at all?
Sympathies, OP. It's so difficult, I know

I'm unsure about whether a reduced timetable would be possible as it's his GCSE year but I'm unsure about whether he'll sit them, when he was doing his mocks his symptoms were much worse than at the moment. He had very bad stomach ache which meant he couldn't focus and he didn't do very well which has knocked his confidence.

His dad blocked me after I told him DS was upset about never seeing him. I don't think DS is blocked but he told me he sent him a happy birthday message and he'd ignored him. His dad wouldn't be supportive about this issue either as when he was getting bullied he told him to ‘man up’ and go to school.

If you think GCSEs this year are manageable, it would be much easier to do that if your son stays on roll at the school even if he doesn't attend. If you deregister, you'll need to sort out somewhere for him to sit them and probably change to IGCSEs for at least some of them. It is a lot of work and would be a scramble to sort out at this stage.

On the other hand if his anxiety is too great, it might make sense to take all the pressure off by removing him from school, putting all thought of exams on hold, and focusing on his well being instead. GCSEs can be taken at any age. Only in the school system is there such extreme pressure to do them at 16 and do as many as possible, even if that isn't what's best for the young person. He could do them from home at 17 or 18, or do some at college, though colleges don't offer the range of subjects which are possible at school or via home ed.

For that matter, even if your son is aiming at uni, he might get there without GCSEs. An Access course is one possibility. One of my kids sat just two IGCSEs at the age of 19/20 and then got into university to do an arts subject based on portfolio and relevant work experience.

I think with an anxious child, it is helpful not to catastrophise about the future or to overemphasise the importance of doing well in GCSEs this year. Schools like to put the fear into their pupils in hopes they will up their game and get better results, but that often backfires and instead paralyses them with worry, making it impossible for them even to sit their exams at all. It may well be that the straightforward path to success involves staying at school to sit a lot of GCSEs in one go this year and achieve good marks in them. But reassure your son that if that doesn't happen, it isn't the end of the world. There will always be options. He has his whole life ahead of him in which to get an education. There is no deadline.

Have you had a conversation with him to see if he would want to be home educated for the remaining school time?

If you still want him to sit gcses then I believe the cost of the exams will be for you to pay too.

Home Ed is something I would always consider for mine if their health was suffering in some way related to school.

I would discuss the possibility of trying a part time attendance arrangement first probably but ultimately if you think home Ed is in his best interest and it's feasible financially for you to do it then go for it. If you think you can work together to manage it.

You wouldn't necessarily need to leave work. At 15 I'd assume he's sensible enough to stay home while you're working and home Ed doesn't have to conform to school hours or curriculum. So it's possible, depending on your other commitments, your own health (and sanity!), energy levels etc that you could do both.

Good luck.

You need to find him a therapist who can deal with his issues. If CAMHS wasn't a fit, maybe consider paying privately, if you can afford it. That level of anxiety isn't going anywhere and needs to be addressed now.

What about an online school?

After 15 days of absence (which do not have to be consecutive days) the LA must put in alternative provision which might be the best option for him if he feels he wants to try to do GCSEs.

I would speak to the LA about this as clearly the situation is untenable and his health is being affected.

If you deregister you will be liable for all of the education and the exam fees.

You could consider reducing the number of GCSEs he accesses, he probably only needs 5-6 at most to go to the next stage.

My son is a previous refuser and only did 6 GCSEs and this doesn't appear to be causing any issues now with university applications.

Good luck with it, priority has to be his health as you no doubt know