AIBU to ask for shoes off in lounge?

[Shoesinthelounge]

Will try to keep post brief, I have a newborn baby (a few days old). Invited my parents to come and see him, and had DH ask them at the door to remove shoes as we have a new rug in the living room that l want to keep clean and free of outdoor shoes for baby to sit on etc. - DM happily removes hers but DF walks past and leaves his on and goes into the lounge. DM tells him to take off shoes and he ignores her. I snap and tell him to remove them and keep off my rug, as he kept wandering over and stepping slightly onto it to reach over and touch baby. Unties shoes when I once again ask, as if he’s going to take them off- then keeps them on. He finally took them off when my mom asked him to again, because I wasn’t going to let him sit on the sofa by me after walking across the whole room in his outdoor trainers but he didn’t want to miss out on holding his grandson. It was a weird stubbornness that I don’t quite understand.

i know I’m hormonal from just giving birth but AIBU to find it hurtful that DF ignored such a simple request that would make me feel so much more comfortable in my home? I’m generally really laid back with guests in the house and DF knows this so I don’t know why he didn’t see that it was important to me that it was mentioned so swiftly and asked of him multiple times?

Parents are meant to be coming over for a few hours this weekend to keep me company and help with lifting (post c-section) and now I’m just worrying, thinking that if my dad can’t do something easy like take off his shoes when asked can I trust him if I’m out of the room to not do something else I’ve asked him not to do? DH is really upset on my behalf and frustrated that he was ignored. DF has not got a disability that would make removing his shoes difficult as obviously I’d be understanding in that situation!

AIBU to have insisted shoes come off in my living room?

Omg I remember when child was a baby and FIL visited he kept getting this bloody LED pocket torch out his pocket to shine in front in the baby's face. It was really bright and hurt my eyes. I kept pulling faces, covering baby's eyes and my eyes, he just wouldn't get it. In end he needed stern words to not point the torch in my baby's face. It was like an odd obsession he had to do!

I would be upset about the shoe situation too. Just stand in way so they can't enter room unless shoes are off!

For older people it was a class divider.

Upper middle class kept their shoes on. Lower middle class took them off.

If this is the reason then you are asking him exhibit behaviours he was brought up to see as “other”, so it will be emotionally jarring for him.

Younger people have learned to do as the host does.

I smiled when I read the title of the thread because I instantly knew it was going to be about a Dad visiting and not taking his shoes off. I know this because my Dad is exactly the same and it is infuriating. Despite us having a no shoes house rule, every time he visits he asks me if it's alright for him to keep his on as an exception because either...he's not staying long, or not going to do much walking around or because the children are no longer crawling or just this time (every time). Due to the historical imbalance of power in the relationship I feel I have to allow it because I do not wish to choose to have an argument with him which I know it will cause. My Dad thinks rules don't apply to him...e.g. that he should never be caught driving at higher speed, or that it doesn't matter if he is late to visit someone at an agreed time. He also refuses to accept the norm that people don't speak to others on public transport in London. He just does what he wants all the time. He gets away with it. I'm too shy to ask him a second time to remove his shoes. I think he sees it as demeaning and won't allow himself to be demeaned. He sees himself as more important. He's used to doing what he wants. I love the slippers idea. But I just wanted to say I totally empathise with how disrespected you are feeling. He can't admit the power dynamic has changed, he's not the patriarch any longer and you actually have great power because you've just done something amazing and birthed a wonderful new child. It's draining having to persistently set boundaries because of an adults persistent childish behaviour. I think that's what you might need to do once you feel strong enough and ignore all his huffing and puffing sounds of resistance. Good luck

@Pompom12 I just read this out aloud to my husband and I actually got a bit teary, it feels like you understand completely and more than hit the nail on the head, the wanting to be the patriarchal figure that he isn’t when he visits (he always manages to behave in unusually infuriating ways when he’s over here, as if he’s showing off or trying to look tough which I don’t understand!) I think it just hurt that he genuinely was considering not getting the chance to hold his grandson because he didn’t want to kick off his shoes briefly, even just to go onto the rug because I could probably have coped with the carpet to a degree. My mom said she wouldn’t pass him over until the shoes came off and he did eventually, it was just infuriating watching him lean over with his toes at the edge of the rug straining to reach, like done kind of childish thing where he wouldn’t be told what to do. I think it’s going to be a lesson in learning to stand up for myself because I hate upsetting people and don’t want to have my parents unhappy with me, but equally I wish I could have just enjoyed today like I did with my in laws yesterday who were very respectful, and not be thinking only about something as stupid as shoes and not my mom being so happy and looking at his little outfits on the washing stand etc. it just took the shine off it a bit. I couldn’t imagine having to be asked more than once to do something I’d been asked of by my daughter who is 2 days postpartum. If a friend or parent wanted me to do anything when visiting to make them more comfortable in such a vulnerable time I’d do if even if I found it over the top. I think you’re absolutely right that it’s a case of never being told no.

It’s a good idea to have a shoe rack and slippers available if you want to do this, IMO.

I guess you might need to make an exception for the odd person with orthopedic issues; to be honest, though, shoes-off is becoming increasingly the norm in the UK, so anyone who this applies to should think about investing in indoor shoes for situations like this, and taking them with them. It won’t be the last time they come to a shoes-off house.

We are also shoes-off but live in a country where it’s universal, so no arguments over this way!

Hello again, I just wondered how you are getting on? How's the new baby? How is it when your parents visit these days? I hope your Dad has got used to taking his shoes off when he visits. You've got a lot on with a new baby and I hope you've been able to enjoy it when your parents visit. I'm going to visit my parents this week, first time in months because of distance, they have new carpet...I'm so tempted to keep my shoes on! But I won't do it really.