AIBU that I want in laws to stop watching toddler

[Mlm17]

am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in-laws to watch my toddler anymore? Long story time :)

FIL and MIL watch my toddler twice a week, and have for the past year while I was working. I thank them every single time I see them for doing this - I really appreciate the help as my family is overseas and without them I wouldn't have been able to work. I'm currently on mat leave again and asked that they keep watching toddler twice a week for the first month while I recovered from a c-section. This started drama i.e. MIL asking "do you not want her to bond with new baby sibling?". I ended up keeping toddler with me and then they complained I didn't bring her over often enough (um I had a horrible recovery and could barely walk for a few weeks, let alone drive?) and that they wanted to go back to watching her twice a week. Fine.
Now, every time they pick her up or I drop her off, my FIL insists on installing the car seat and always does it wrong. It is an isofix one and he's used it for over a year. He doesn't put the bar thing down to touch the floor and one time I noticed he hadn't clipped the seat in to both isofix points. He also does not tighten the harness nearly tight enough, toddler can get her arms out. I show him almost once a week the way it should be installed and he never does it right. He also gets defensive when I go in and tighten the harness or remind him the bar needs to be touching the floor.

Flashback to when toddler was 18 months old, and FIL called to ask if he could buy a seconhand car seat off gumtree. Keep in mind we offered to give them a car seat multiple times. We flat out said no, if he wanted a car seat we would buy one for them to use. Well what did FIL do? he went out and bought it after us saying no, and it was a booster seat for a 4/5+ year old, and he still put her in it claiming he had 'no idea it wasn't the right size for her and could not understand why we were angry. MIL defended him saying we couldn't expect them to know the car seat was not correct for an 18 month old.

After all of this, I am really at the point where I do not trust my in-laws to keep watching toddler safely if they insist on being able to drive places. But, when I speak to my husband about it, I'm told I'm overreacting and that his parents would never do anything to hurt the toddler - it's not about them doing it on purpose, its the fact that they can't (1) listen to our wishes, (2) install a car seat properly that they've used for almost a year and (3) ensure toddler is actually in the car seat properly which means they can and will hurt her if there is a car accident.

Am I being unreasonable? What would you do?

If they can’t use a car seat or listen then no, I wouldnt let them watch my kid

Nope. I definitely wouldn't be letting my child in a car with in laws like that. You've shown him so many times how to fix the car seat and he either doesn't get it, or is willfully ignorant and doesn't care to learn. If there was an accident, I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that my in laws didn't install the car seat properly and that I allowed my child to be in that situation

I would be really clear with them; "If you don't use the correct car seat properly, then you won't be watching DD any more". I'd want to watch them both install the car seat myself to prove that they do know how to do it correctly, then they would need to take a photo or facetime to show they've installed it properly each time they wanted to take her out in the car. It sounds like overkill, but it's that or they wouldn't be watching her any more. Safety is important.

If you were that concerned, surely you would have stopped a year ago?
Best you find a nursery.

My own parents are from a generation where car seats didn't really exist (cars didn't even have seatbelts in the back when I was little!) and I know they found the whole business of their grandkids' car seats to be a confusing and vaguely annoying palaver BUT they still accepted that obviously the kids should be as safe as possible and they ALWAYS adhered to instructions on what seats were used and how they had to be fitted. I don't have kids but I've travelled in the car with my parents and my niece and nephew when they were little, and my parents were hyper vigilant and checked with my SIL that they were doing everything correctly with the seats.

There are definitely things about modern parenting that my parents think are daft or unnecessary or overly fussy - and I'm often inclined to agree with them - but they'd never take the piss with something like a car seat because keeping a child as you can in a car is just a no-brainer, even if it's a pain in the arse sometimes.

I'm sure your DH is right that they would never intentionally endanger your toddler but he really needs to have some serious words them about USING THE FUCKING CAR SEAT CORRECTLY ffs!

Use this maternity leave to find a nursery/creche that can take the eldest one initially and then take your youngest one when the time comes.
Then inlaw granny & grandad become just that - granny and grandad and not childcare, no matter how good their intentions are, the car seat issue would have made me stop using them for care a long long time ago.

They've had their multiple "get out of jail free" cards used up at this point and the safety of your children is at stake. They will probably come back with "Well when I was young..." or "In my day..." type comments and you counter those with "Well back in your day you also didn't have/also thought that..." and insert a thing that is now known to be bad for your health/dangerous/unacceptable.

Your DH though has to be on the same page as you are. I don't think he's quite there yet because he says you're overreacting and that his parents wouldn't intentionally do anything to harm their grandchildren but no one really goes out with intent to harm their grandchild, do they? It sounds like your DH is quite happy to let his parents continue, let you stress over it because of how little it affects him. Perhaps you could try to make this a 'him' problem to fix?

Why do they keep removing the car seat, my mum has kids once a week but rarely needs her back seats unless giving someone a lift so the car seats just stay in place most of the time

Could they buy a new car seat of your choosing and keep it installed in their car?

Why do they need to install it everytime? Can't it stay in the car? Mine never comes out because I don't want the palaver of putting it back!

What is your husband's justification for allowing his child to travel unsafely in a car? My best friend, a police officer, had to deal with a harrowing collision last year where the mother and both children were killed, the father was the only survivor. As far as I know the children were on the correct seats, but it has made me extra careful with ours (and I was careful before). We all think it would never happen to us but tragically these things do happen and you want to be certain you've done everything you can go keep your kids safe. If you're not happy with it your husband doesn't get to override your wishes.

I would buy a seat specifically for them to use, install it in their car myself and ask them to keep it there. When I went back to work my child was at nursery a few days and then my mum and sister had them a day each, I bought them all seats and that way I knew my child was safe.

This. 100%.

I'd seen a relative's very poor driving on several occasions and this was just leaving our house and come to think if it, they always insisted on turning up early morning and left before dark, which I'm now sure was part of it.

I raised it (gently and cautiously) with DH and Siblings. They all said I was imagining it but after witnessing a further incident. I resolved to quietly not ever let them drive my DC anywhere and stuck to it (largely by evading.)

A year on, DH asked if the relative was leasing as they always seemed to have upgraded to new cars. Someone blabbed that the relative had actually had three car crashes and the new cars were replacements!!! Everyone had kept quiet about it.

I'm so glad I spotted it and put my foot down when I did because they wouldn't have told us and the relative could have been driving youngest!
I'm a bit disgusted by that actually and I'm glad I didn't listen to them saying I was imagining it because clearly that wasn't true and they knew it!!

A year or two after this disclosure the relative is no longer able to drive.

So basically if you think something is unsafe, listen to your instincts and not to other people who don't know what they are talking about.

The grandparent thing would be frustrating, the husband thing would make me explode.

I imagine they’re just being wilfully ignorant because it’s “not how things were done” and “well we raised our kids ok” and the usual nonsense that comes with that argument.

However, I’d then expect my husband to back me up with his parents and not tell me I’m being dramatic about my toddler essentially not having any protection riding in a car (a booster would do absolutely nothing to aid her in an accident and I’d like to think most adults with some common sense would understand that).

So no, someone who can’t/ won’t fit a car seat despite a year of demonstrations and reminders would not be left in the sole care of my child. How hard is it for them to just let you fit it for them, without the huffing and puffing you describe. It’s just purposefully undermining you and it would drive me mad too. Especially when you’re the one doing the very basics of child safety, not like you’re asking them to strap the child into some ultra sophisticated life support suit on each outing. Jeeze.

That is a good idea, but only if OP could be sure that the PILs won't take the seat out for any reason (eg cleaning the car seat or offering a lift to someone) But they've demonstrated they won't put it back in properly if they do take it out. So I think OP would still have to check it. But if that's possible, then it would work.

Plus the fact that they cannot see why it's a bad idea not to put a car seat in properly in the first place and they justify that position would make me question their judgment.

Hi all, thanks for the responses. The car seat is for their exclusive use and was kept at their house when we first got it. but it’s installed / removed daily because they switch cars halfway through the day as FIL sometimes needs his elsewhere. Why they can’t just use MIL car on those days, who knows.

it seems bottom line is I need to make it clear to husband and everyone that they need to do things differently. I have tried making it his issue to deal with, it’s never dealt with that way - he’s so non confrontational.

toddler does go to nursery when I’m working for several days, we just can’t afford for her to go everyday that I work.