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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU he is going on holiday without me?

26 replies

amanda2k4 · 21/09/2023 11:01

So I was visiting my partner (We live in different states at the moment, me TX him FL) for 10 weeks in the summer and was really keen on doing a few trips with him around the states. I had booked 1 night in Washington for us, and my sister and her husband were joining (who he doesn't really like - not sure why - says he is lame) I could tell he did not want to go on this trip as he was making it really difficult and insisted we drive separately etc. I paid for the hotel room.

Anyway, after that trip I kept asking if we could go somewhere else and he kept saying no we had already been to Washington (1 night???!) He made the excuse of money that I haven't got loads and he always ends up spending $1,000 whenever we go anywhere, so I said I would drive my car (another reason he said its too much driving) and i said I would cover the hotel and as I had a bonus of $400 at work. Still did not want to go. Said he was trying to pay of his credit cards (i understand) He has friends in different states and I wasn't keen on staying with them before (crashing on sofas etc), but i even said if it means we can travel i am happy to stay with his friends now, he said no. I must say here to be fair that I do not have lots of money and I guess that is something that stresses him out.

Now I have returned to texas, he has said he is flying out to Denver to see his friend before the friend moves home. We have had a big argument about it and now I am accused of micromanaging his life, and always having a problem with everything he does? Saying he doesn't even want to go anymore bcause I made it a battle? I simply was trying to put my feelings across that I wanted to make new memories and experiences with him, and the second I leave he wants to do that with a friend. I do understand that paying for 2 people is more than 1, but does that mean throughout our life I will be left at home and he goes and sees friends individually?! He keeps saying it will be a low cost/free trip and accusing me of being jealous?! He also said we done stuff every single weekend and spent money (which we did but it was always things he wanted to do usually with his friends and family! I would rather stay home and save for vacation!)

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 21/09/2023 11:04

Hes not really a partner. How long have you been seeing each other?

Original poster
amanda2k4 · 21/09/2023 11:07

Dartmoorcheffy · 21/09/2023 11:04

Hes not really a partner. How long have you been seeing each other?

We are engaged!

OP posts:
saffronsoup · 21/09/2023 11:12

Expecting him to fund your travels or expenses is pretty unreasonable. But you could do cheaper vacations that you can both afford.

It seems though there is a bigger issue. He sounds a bit resentful right now. Why would he be spending thousands on you? Why does he have credit card debt? Neither of you should be spending more than you can afford. Do you come across as expecting him to spend money on you? You need to better understand the resentment he has and work through it before you get married. You also need to not look at him as a wallet and freeload off of him.

ManateeFair · 21/09/2023 11:12

amanda2k4 · 21/09/2023 11:07

We are engaged!

Show quote history

I suspect not for very much longer.

He doesn't see the two of you as a partnership; you're an add-on to his life rather than a core part of it. You live in different states and he isn't willing to make changes for you when you're not actually living with him and you see him infrequently. This doesn't really sound like a proper relationship.

There is also no reason why he should fund 'making memories' with you just because you want to travel with him, honestly. And you have absolutely no business being annoyed that he wants to visit a friend in Denver. It's his friend, his money and his choice.

Original poster
amanda2k4 · 21/09/2023 11:15

saffronsoup · 21/09/2023 11:12

Expecting him to fund your travels or expenses is pretty unreasonable. But you could do cheaper vacations that you can both afford.

It seems though there is a bigger issue. He sounds a bit resentful right now. Why would he be spending thousands on you? Why does he have credit card debt? Neither of you should be spending more than you can afford. Do you come across as expecting him to spend money on you? You need to better understand the resentment he has and work through it before you get married. You also need to not look at him as a wallet and freeload off of him.

Thanks for your comment. Did you read the part where I mentioned I would pay for the hotel again though?

OP posts:
Original poster
amanda2k4 · 21/09/2023 11:18

ManateeFair · 21/09/2023 11:12

I suspect not for very much longer.

He doesn't see the two of you as a partnership; you're an add-on to his life rather than a core part of it. You live in different states and he isn't willing to make changes for you when you're not actually living with him and you see him infrequently. This doesn't really sound like a proper relationship.

There is also no reason why he should fund 'making memories' with you just because you want to travel with him, honestly. And you have absolutely no business being annoyed that he wants to visit a friend in Denver. It's his friend, his money and his choice.

Edited
Show quote history

Thanks for the comment. As mentioned though, I wouldn't of expected him to pay. We split the hotels/main expenses for trips and he usually picks up the food bills. What do you mean by isn't willing to make changes for me? My annoyance is coming from he didn't want to do those trips with me, perfectly fine if he was doing both..

OP posts:
saffronsoup · 21/09/2023 11:27

amanda2k4 · 21/09/2023 11:15

Thanks for your comment. Did you read the part where I mentioned I would pay for the hotel again though?

Show quote history

Why then does he feel like he spends thousands if you always contribute 50% to all expenses and all trips? You said you don’t have a lot of money so are you going into debt to pay your share?

So he hasn’t spent any money on you at all? you made it sounds like he had. Would he agree you always pay your share of everything and he hasn’t spent money on you?

There is clearly resentment. The two of you are seeing something about this relationship differently. Maybe you aren’t compatible, maybe there is an issue you can work through.

Poppyseed14 · 21/09/2023 12:38

How long have you been with this guy OP and how often do you see him?

Original poster
amanda2k4 · 21/09/2023 12:40

Poppyseed14 · 21/09/2023 12:38

How long have you been with this guy OP and how often do you see him?

2 years - we fly back and fourth every few months

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 21/09/2023 12:44

Are you sure he (still) considers this an engagement that he expects to lead to marriage? Going by your posts it seems that you are doing all the running, whereas he is trying to avoid being with you.

takealettermsjones · 21/09/2023 12:47

You drove from Florida to Washington separately? I wouldn't want to do that for only one night, even sharing the driving. I'm not surprised he was reluctant.

This doesn't sound like a runner op.

greggstomelette · 21/09/2023 13:13

Why is it such a big deal that he sees a friend without you?

I'd feel quite stifled by you, it sounds like you don't want him to do any travelling that doesn't involve you.

Can't he just go visit his friend by himself? DH and I often do separate trips.

Original poster
amanda2k4 · 21/09/2023 13:15

greggstomelette · 21/09/2023 13:13

Why is it such a big deal that he sees a friend without you?

I'd feel quite stifled by you, it sounds like you don't want him to do any travelling that doesn't involve you.

Can't he just go visit his friend by himself? DH and I often do separate trips.

The issue is again I would have no issue with him doing trips alone, but he kept refusing to go on some with me. That sort of rubs me up the wrong way? Then says he can have a free trip with a friend that will not cost anything, so I need to stay at home.

OP posts:
greggstomelette · 21/09/2023 13:22

So would he have to pay for your flights?

In the last year or so how much have you each spent on trips? It sounds like he has to cover a lot of it, and just wants to go on this cheap trip to see his friend without having to cover your travel costs too?

I see you've said you'll pay for the hotel, but surely the trip will cost more than £400 hotel costs overall. Would he have to pay your share quite often?

Poppyseed14 · 21/09/2023 15:11

takealettermsjones · 21/09/2023 12:47

You drove from Florida to Washington separately? I wouldn't want to do that for only one night, even sharing the driving. I'm not surprised he was reluctant.

This doesn't sound like a runner op.

I've just looked to see how far this is. Over 900 miles! For one night?! By car?! With 2 cars in fact. Surely not? That's beyond crazy by anyone's standards 😕

Dartmoorcheffy · 21/09/2023 21:59

Do you have plans to marry and live together? I suspect he doesn't.

Widowsfire · 21/09/2023 22:18

You say you're engaged, but is a wedding planned?. I'd go home and cut your losses if I were you. I don't think he plans to marry you.

The reason he doesn't want to spend time with your sister and her DH is that they'll see that straightaway.

Original poster
amanda2k4 · 22/09/2023 10:20

A wedding isn’t planned because of me. He wants a date and wants me to start planning but I’ve put the breaks on because I don’t feel like a priority. What makes you say he doesn’t plan to marry me? Just curious as he genuinely keeps asking for me to plan.

OP posts:
Original poster
amanda2k4 · 22/09/2023 10:21

Dartmoorcheffy · 21/09/2023 21:59

Do you have plans to marry and live together? I suspect he doesn't.

He wants to yes. I am the the one that’s holding out. Can I ask why you think it’s him? Thanks x

OP posts:
saffronsoup · 22/09/2023 10:26

It isn't clear if you share what being a priority means. You say you spent 10 weeks with him and it sounds like you spent pretty much all that time togehter and did weekend trips and activities with his family and friends. That makes sense since you were at his place. I assume if he was at yours, then he would spend time with your family and friends.

It isn't clear what being a priority would look like to you. Is that spending money on you? Is that buying you things? Is that taking you on expense paid trips? Is it not seeing his friends and family?

What would being a priority look like to you? And a priority compared to what?

Katiesaidthat · 22/09/2023 10:29

amanda2k4 · 22/09/2023 10:21

He wants to yes. I am the the one that’s holding out. Can I ask why you think it’s him? Thanks x

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I think they mean that "he talks the talk but doesn´t do the walk". It is all words, when his actions are indicating something else.

Original poster
amanda2k4 · 22/09/2023 10:30

saffronsoup · 22/09/2023 10:26

It isn't clear if you share what being a priority means. You say you spent 10 weeks with him and it sounds like you spent pretty much all that time togehter and did weekend trips and activities with his family and friends. That makes sense since you were at his place. I assume if he was at yours, then he would spend time with your family and friends.

It isn't clear what being a priority would look like to you. Is that spending money on you? Is that buying you things? Is that taking you on expense paid trips? Is it not seeing his friends and family?

What would being a priority look like to you? And a priority compared to what?

A priority as in, he has an aggressive pitbull dog that I do not feel safe around and he is refusing to rehome it to his parents 20 minutes away. I have seen the dog snap at two people whilst I was there and I am not comfortable, and I want children.

OP posts:
Original poster
amanda2k4 · 22/09/2023 10:31

Katiesaidthat · 22/09/2023 10:29

I think they mean that "he talks the talk but doesn´t do the walk". It is all words, when his actions are indicating something else.

Show quote history

I get ya - well he did move into a rented place for me. I think he is getting fed up I haven't moved in yet but he has an aggressive dog . Maybe he is coming to terms that I will not be moving forward with the plans until we resolve our issues. or maybe I am right and this is how he acts, even if we would be married.

OP posts:
saffronsoup · 22/09/2023 10:36

I think it is time to call time on this relationship.

You knew he had a pitcull when you started dating him. I don't think it is reasonable to expect people to rehome their pets for you.

Original poster
amanda2k4 · 22/09/2023 10:40

saffronsoup · 22/09/2023 10:36

I think it is time to call time on this relationship.

You knew he had a pitcull when you started dating him. I don't think it is reasonable to expect people to rehome their pets for you.

I did yes - I didn't know it was aggressive though and safety is priority for most people in there own home

OP posts: