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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's very weird not to have met sister's boyfriend yet?

15 replies

ViaCrucis1689 · 21/09/2023 04:46

My sister began dating a guy...3 years ago, and my parents and I haven't met him yet. She lives about 8 hours from us and comes home about 3-4x/year. We know she spends holidays with his family if she doesn't come home, which is fine, but he's never come with her for a visit to see us. I think a big part of it is that my dad thinks the guy is a golddigger and doesn't approve of him. But my dad would never say that to the guy.

There are other major red flags, in my opinion. He still lives at home...he's in his late 20s, didn't go to college (which is not necessarily a dealbreaker), and quit his job at the beginning of the year to focus on his band and write a book. She, on the other hand, has a degree and is in a corporate position. She also is a new homeowner.

She broke up with him earlier this month, but then they got back together. She broke up with him because she wanted someone she could rely on if she was ever unable to work and support a family. She told both my mom and me that she's not sure of her decision to get back together with him and that they really don't have much in common. All I said was that she always can change her mind...I told her to please remember that.

But I really wanted to tell her that it is highly unlikely he will change and that she shouldn't settle. But I didn't.

So, anyone ever not meet their siblings' partner for years when you had a good relationship with said sibling?

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 21/09/2023 04:50

Have you asked her why you haven’t met him?

Mummy08m · 21/09/2023 04:55

Yanbu I had a friend whose boyfriend refused to introduce her to his family (and vice versa) for years. They eventually did meet each other's parents but it must have been part of a wider commitment problem because they've now been together 16 years and "engaged" at least 6 years without getting married. She wants to have kids but wants to get married first due to her beliefs and he's keeping her in limbo. They were 19 when they got together, 35 now. No idea why she's still with him

Northernparent68 · 21/09/2023 04:57

You’ve answered your own question, she doesn’t want to be judged and knows you and your family won’t be able to resist judging.

ViaCrucis1689 · 21/09/2023 04:57

LusaBatoosa · 21/09/2023 04:50

Have you asked her why you haven’t met him?

He was always working before quitting his job, so I understood that, to an extent. My sister is very private so half of the time I feel like I am prying information out of her. I think my mom has asked, but she never has received an answer besides he didn't have time off.

OP posts:
ViaCrucis1689 · 21/09/2023 05:06

Northernparent68 · 21/09/2023 04:57

You’ve answered your own question, she doesn’t want to be judged and knows you and your family won’t be able to resist judging.

I've never voiced my opinion to her...I think it's her life, and she has to decide whether or not to be okay with his lifestyle. She said it bothers her that he isn't financially secure...she said that, not me.

My mom always defended the fact that he was working despite not being out on his own (she always brings up the fact that housing isn't affordable where he lives). My dad...well, dads want what's best for their kids...not sure he's voiced his opinion to her. I can't control what he has or hasn't said.

OP posts:
Spartak · 21/09/2023 05:10

What reason did your sister give for you not meeting him when you went to visit her?

Have you seen a photo of him? Just wondering if your sister might be delaying because she anticipates that he will be the wrong colour/gender/religion.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 21/09/2023 06:26

Why don't you visit her and ask to meet him?

BusyBees1234 · 21/09/2023 06:50

He doesn't want to meet any of you

margotrose · 21/09/2023 06:58

She sounds embarrassed of him.

Tyremarks · 21/09/2023 07:02

margotrose · 21/09/2023 06:58

She sounds embarrassed of him.

Or of her own family, equally?

Aprilx · 21/09/2023 07:02

I am not surprised he doesn’t want to meet any of you. You have made an awful lot of negative judgements on somebody you have never even met.

Saracen · 21/09/2023 07:48

Eight hours is a long journey, and some people hate travelling, especially to meet their partner's disapproving father. I wouldn't come either if I were in his shoes.

Why don't you go visit your sister and see whether he's more willing to meet up when it's just a matter of crossing town for lunch and seeing his partner's less-scary relative for a couple of hours?

Reasonablerealist · 09/04/2024 23:59

Hi My ex wanted to be part of my family as he was called himself the black sheep, he was the black sheep because he was horrible. He wanted to be part of my family. However my family never really liked me as I was too nice lol I was smart, and confident ans sporty but my mum and dad are not go getters at all so I'm an outcast because ot this and even more so when my partner came round as he got on with my family more than I did and my family would gang up on me and my mum would put me down

Next time I get a partner If they are interested in meeting my family ill say no, I'm not close with them. My sisters and mum text me all the time , love you , miss you but they don't actually like me they feel guilty and just want to show they are making an effort to make me look like I'm ignoring them . It's complicated

Reasonablerealist · 10/04/2024 00:00

Sp my point was are you all nice to her or do anything 'funny'or disrespectful and maybe she doesn't want her partner to see how her family treat her as my family treated me badly and basically gave my ex the green light to get away with treating me bad

aesopsgables · 10/04/2024 00:04

You say you don't know if your dad has voiced his opinion, nor can you help it if he has. Well it sounds like your sister knows what your dad would think and just doesn't want to get into that. Or -based on the breaking up and getting back together- she is on the fence about how she really feels so doesn't want the judgement until she's worked out how she really feels.

You are her sister though - whatever about your parents, why haven't you been to visit her and met him?

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