I try to be understanding of most things but I just can’t get my head around this one……
I will first explain the short (ish) version:
My partner had to make a short trip abroad to sort out family paperwork, this wasn’t a holiday & would only involve himself and his sibling as it was just something they needed to get done, due to this it wasn’t considered that I would go. We then found out I was pregnant & then found there were issues with the pregnancy. We talked and decided it would be sensible for him to go on said trip a few weeks further down the line once the pregnancy developed and we knew more and I was comfortable to be left home alone & to be ok with the pregnancy should anything go wrong, so we’d review again a few weeks down the line. We had previously talked about holidaying at some point this year (inc kids) but agreed it wouldn’t be fair to leave me at home on my own (stressful hectic home life) with a high risk pregnancy, but knew we would holiday once everything calmed down. We then went through a rough patch & didn’t communicate properly for 2 days. During this time, he contacted his sibling & went ahead & arranged the trip, he didn’t discuss this with me or even consider me in this decision. He then contacted his daughter (older teen) & invited her, extended the duration & made it seem like more of a holiday than the quick paperwork trip he first told me. A few days later, he then told me about it. I asked to go on the trip too once I realised it was a break & other family members would be going. He gave me several excuses, some untrue, as to why I couldn’t go. He then went on to invite further family members & still discouraged me from coming along (not due to pregnancy). I then told him how hurt I felt about lack of consideration or care about me, how rejected it made me feel & how he hadn’t even thought about me and the pregnancy whilst he merrily made these plans on his own. The trip didn’t go ahead due to a family funeral and then wasn’t talked about since. I lost the baby a month ago & my partner approached the trip subject again a couple of weeks ago. Last week I told my partner how his actions surrounding the planned trip had made me feel. He refused to see there was a problem, kept telling me he didn’t agree with me and didn’t understand why I felt hurt by his actions. His lack of consideration and care have really shocked me. Is it just left over pregnancy hormones and grief making me over sensitive?
Then for those that aren’t bored enough by that, here’s the context surrounding it. I think it actually helps me to write it down more than anything.
My partner and I have an overall great relationship, we communicate well and always try to understand things from each other’s perspective. Neither of our lives have been easy in recent years and our home life is very stressful right now, but we try to work together as a team with all chores, issues and stresses.
My partners relative passed away last year and he and his sibling need to fly abroad (to his relatives home country) to sort some paperwork out. I was in an early pregnancy which had developed possible issues that effected my health and a high risk of miscarriage and so we talked about his trip in early summer, but decided to leave it a few more weeks until the pregnancy was further along and we knew more and then we’d review on when was the right time for him to go. He suggested maybe going once the baby was born but I told him it was probably better to go sooner rather than later as the paperwork needed doing. I tried to think of his needs and the job in hand and put my anxieties second to that. I expressed my slight worry about him going whilst I was at this scary stage of the pregnancy and of course I’d have loved to have accompany him to be there for him. He knew I hadn’t been on a holiday or even a night away in a very long time and we are both desperate to get away on any kind of trip, but as he told me this trip was a quick two nights away purely to get the paperwork done and wasn’t a social trip or in any way a holiday and not a trip he wanted to do but had to do, so I didn’t think of suggesting for me to come along due to that nature and because of the uncertainty of the pregnancy at that stage. I felt slightly hurt that he didn’t even suggest for me to come, or even say “I’d have loved for you to come but understand that you can’t due to the pregnancy and having to run things at home”.
We had earlier discussed summer holidays and us all (older kids too) going away somewhere. We had discussed him not going off on his own holiday as it wouldn’t be very fair or nice to leave me home alone dealing with running the house and the high risk pregnancy on my own, especially as I was so desperate for any kind of a break. We knew and still know that at some stage in the near future we will be able to plan a proper trip away.
A few weeks then went by & we went through a particularly rough patch and had a break down in communication where we talked about ending things & spent a couple of days with very little communication. During these 2 days, unbeknown to me, my partner had chosen to contact his sibling (they don’t speak that regularly) & begin to arrange the trip. He didn’t even consider talking to me about it or think about my feelings to this at all, yet we’d previously left it to review together once the pregnancy was further along. Once we began communication again and set about getting our relationship back on track & get over this hurdle, he told me he’d arranged the trip for the following weekend but was waiting to book it as he had a family funeral coming up that hadn’t got a date yet. He then told me he’d extended the length of the trip and had also invited his daughter on this trip (late teen). Still no discussion with me or asking if this was all ok. I was quite shocked but remained calm and asked if I could also come along too (if I could arrange help at home) as I now realised it wasn’t just a quick business type trip that he’d first told me it was. To my horror, he stalled and then said there wouldn’t be enough room at his relatives annex, which I pointed out wasn’t the case, so he then said that it wouldn’t be appropriate as I hadn’t met that side of the family yet (his daughter only met them for the first time last year). I pointed out that I thought they’d probably be fine with his pregnant longterm partner coming along to support him on a trip. I told him I hadn’t asked before as he had dressed it up to be a quick trip for paperwork and not in any way a holiday, but that now he was inviting other family members to come along, it seemed more like a holiday type trip and ok for me to go to. He then went into what seemed like more excuses and saying he only invited his daughter as she’d been having a hard time (first I’d heard of that, so seemed like a poor excuse), I pointed out I’d also been having a very difficult time, as he was aware. We then left it a few days where it turned out he couldn’t go the following weekend due to the family members funeral. He then planned the trip for the following weekend and told me he was going to invite his son too (again, not a child). I felt even more gutted than before. I then explained to him how this made me feel and how I was very hurt that no consideration or even thought was given to me and our baby or even of my feelings about not just not being invited along but actually purposely not invited. I believe he saw this as me being a nag, but he didn’t end up going ahead and booking it. He announced my pregnancy to his brother and explained the complications and his brother totally understood why it wasn’t the best time to travel abroad. I felt it was a shame my partner couldn’t also be that understanding of how that was not a great time to travel and leave me to deal with everything on my own.
It left me feeling so hurt that he didn’t even think about me joining him, even if he realised the practicalities at the time meant I probably couldn’t. It also felt shady and sneaky to go ahead and arrange the trip whilst we were at our lowest & not communicating for two days, especially as he doesn’t communicate with his brother/daughter on a daily basis so would have purposely contacted them with the trip in mind, yet couldn’t even give me any consideration. Then coming up with all the excuses for me not come when I asked and then knowing how I felt, then decided to invite his son too. Yet still no consideration about me, my feelings, or the pregnancy.
I tried to put the shoe on the other foot and thought about one of my relatives dying abroad and my sibling and I having to go there to sort out paperwork. A have been in similar instances in the past with relatives abroad and me being in an earlier longs term relationship, so have a bit of experience in this. In this situation, my first thought would be that of my pregnant partner and our baby. I would have taken it as standard that my partner would join me but if they couldn’t due to home life and pregnancy, I would have understood but missed them being with me. I’d have then evaluated when the time was right with the pregnancy & kept discussing it with my pregnant partner & decide on the date together when we’re both comfortable. I certainly wouldn’t have then rushed about organising the trip when my partner and I were going through a tense time & used the 2 days of non communication to arrange the trip as that would have felt sneaky and like I was disrespectful of my partner. If I was about to invite another family member along, I’d have made sure I’d have invited my partner first, even if they couldn’t come. I would then have been gutted if my partner pointed out they’d like to come on the trip and I’d have felt bad for not inviting them, I certainly wouldn’t have deterred them, thrown a load of excuses at them and then gone on to invite other family members too, that’s just like rubbing salt in the wounds and actually seemed quite cruel. I felt his behaviour in this was so selfish, inconsiderate and uncaring. It knocked my confidence in him as this wasn’t what I expected from him and it made me question if he really did love me, I know that sounds silly but I just couldn’t relate to this behaviour and these actions. It made me a bit nervous of our future, as if he can behave this way now and think that it’s ok, he could then do similar again and I want to protect myself from being hurt like this again.
As the weeks went by, the trip wasn’t talked about. His sibling seemed to take the stance that the pregnancy should be the main focus as I’m sure anyone who’d have known about the pregnancy and the issues within it, would.
I ended up losing the baby a month ago. It was obviously a hard time but I feel I’m coping and getting through the days without getting too down or depressed. I have plenty to occupy me with a new job, a busy home life and many other life stresses, which in some ways I’m grateful for having that to focus on.
Within a couple of weeks of losing our daughter, my partner approaches the topic of the trip again. At the time, I was working (from home) and wasn’t really in a place to think about that topic at all. I still knew this trip needed to happen, but it hadn’t been on my mind. I still felt raw about how it was last arranged and still didn’t feel I’d had any level of understanding on how that had hurt me.
A couple more weeks went by and now my partner is talking about the trip again. I sat down with him and detailed how I felt about it all. I stressed the point that I had no issue with the trip itself, as we’d discussed at the start and I’d encouraged him to go whilst I was still pregnant, but I did have an issue of what I felt was ‘mis-sold’ to me at the start and then it turned into what seemed to me like a holiday and a holiday that I much needed but was not only not asked but refused on. I let him know I felt hurt by his actions and lack of thought for me, especially as I was pregnant and not having an easy time. I detailed how it made me feel quite rejected, not cared for and not even considered. We always talk about being a team and I feel we worked well as a team, until this.
What then hurt me further was his reaction in this latest discussion. He just didn’t seem to understand. He kept repeating that he didn’t agree and didn’t see the issue. I must admit, I began to feel like I was going a little bit mad trying to explain to another human how hurtful it is to tell your partner you’re going away on a quick trip to sign paperwork, not even invite them, then due to your partners risky pregnancy agree to leave it a few weeks and discuss dates further on, then to go & sneakily arrange said trip whilst not talking to your partner, then to invite other family members on the trip, then once you tell ( not discuss, but tell) your partner you’ve planned the trip for the following week and she asked to come, give her a load of excuses about why she can’t come, then invite other family members, not even considering your partner, her feelings or her pregnancy risks during this, then not even understand or care how hurt she feels by this.
The more I was explaining how hurt I felt about his actions, the more he seemed to just tell me he didn’t agree and couldn’t see anything wrong. He kept talking very blinkered and saying he couldn’t see anything wrong with going on this trip. I tried to explain that it’s not the trip, it’s the way he went about it. I told him we didn’t have to agree, but I needed him to understand how his actions made me feel and to see that I was hurt by this. Due to his reluctance to even try to understand how his actions hurt me and even give me any consideration when organising it and also his coldness of not wanting me to come along even when he knew I wanted to, it’s really cast doubt over our relationship and whether I think this is a man I can continue life with. I’m wondering if he really feels about me the same way I do about him and whether his moral compass is anywhere near mine as our reactions in this situation are totally different. I realise we’re all human and we make mistakes but I genuinely don’t think he realises his mistakes here, which make me concerned he would act this way again. Of course, I have also made previous errors and acted in ways he hasn’t agreed with or has found hurtful, but I’m usually quite quick to own them, understand the hurt I caused, apologise, and aim to fix that and set about not repeating it. I believe that’s just what you do in relationships to make them stronger and to just be a decent person. That’s why it’s confusing for me to not see that back in my partner. Totally unsure where to go from here.