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Original poster

To think EDP new gf is being inappropriate around my DD

39 replies

Crispscrispscrisps5 · 20/09/2023 15:49

Hi all,

My ex partner and I are co-parents to my 7 year old DD. We split up when our DD was 2. Differences in who we are as people. He’s never been great, and he didn’t see her from aged 3 to around 6, when he started seeing her on weekends.

He has been seeing her every weekend for the last year. Around 6 months ago, he started a new relationship with a 19 yr old. He is 39. My concerns are around what my DD tells me, which is that his gf often wears very little around the house, she has also spoken about sex to my DD, is very possessive with my ex, touching him all the time, draping herself on him. I’ve seen this with my own eyes. My DD has also said she is not very nice to her when he isn’t there. He is apparently oblivious to all this. He’s also asked to see her every other weekend so him and gf can have some more time together.

I think it’s very inappropriate and worried about how this is affecting DD, but don’t want to stop her relationship with ex. Might demand he only sees her alone. Just wondered what everyone else would do?

OP posts:
Candlelight34 · 20/09/2023 20:50

Your ex is a poor father.

Candlelight34 · 20/09/2023 20:51

So your duty is to protect her.
No contact.

Honeychickpea · 20/09/2023 21:06

Candlelight34 · 20/09/2023 20:51

So your duty is to protect her.
No contact.

I think if the father takes it to court, he will probably get contact.

electriclight · 20/09/2023 21:07

I think it's an overreaction to talk about stopping contact or safeguarding concerns.

She 'wears very little.' What does that mean? Skimpy shorts and a vest top are fine in her own home. Bra and g string obviously not.

Spoken about sex - would ask for clarification before jumping to conclusions.

Possessive, touching and draping on your ex - as every 19 year old does based on the students I work with.

She is not nice to dd when he isn't there - what does this mean? DD is not her child so if he's not there, she's babysitting. Maybe she isn't interested in children because I definitely wasn't at that age. If she doesn't want to play games or watch children's tv then that's one thing, but shouting or any sort of abuse obviously not. I suspect she is just disinterested and dd picks up on it.

To me, it sounds as if you disapprove of their relationship (and I don't blame you), but your dd is picking up on this. Maybe she doesn't like seeing her dad with a gf, particularly one who's so young. Maybe she enjoys telling you what she thinks you want to hear.

I wouldn't stop contact without a discussion. Nothing here is serious enough to stop contact. You wouldn't let him stop you from seeing your kids just because you had a partner he disapproved of.

And the weekend thing - very unusual for the arrangement to be every weekend for obvious reasons and I don't think you can blame him for pushing for a change.

Don't get me wrong - he's a dick for not seeing dd for ages, for dating someone 20 years younger, and for dismissing DD's worries. But don't overreact and make the situation even worse for dd.

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 21:10

electriclight · 20/09/2023 21:07

I think it's an overreaction to talk about stopping contact or safeguarding concerns.

She 'wears very little.' What does that mean? Skimpy shorts and a vest top are fine in her own home. Bra and g string obviously not.

Spoken about sex - would ask for clarification before jumping to conclusions.

Possessive, touching and draping on your ex - as every 19 year old does based on the students I work with.

She is not nice to dd when he isn't there - what does this mean? DD is not her child so if he's not there, she's babysitting. Maybe she isn't interested in children because I definitely wasn't at that age. If she doesn't want to play games or watch children's tv then that's one thing, but shouting or any sort of abuse obviously not. I suspect she is just disinterested and dd picks up on it.

To me, it sounds as if you disapprove of their relationship (and I don't blame you), but your dd is picking up on this. Maybe she doesn't like seeing her dad with a gf, particularly one who's so young. Maybe she enjoys telling you what she thinks you want to hear.

I wouldn't stop contact without a discussion. Nothing here is serious enough to stop contact. You wouldn't let him stop you from seeing your kids just because you had a partner he disapproved of.

And the weekend thing - very unusual for the arrangement to be every weekend for obvious reasons and I don't think you can blame him for pushing for a change.

Don't get me wrong - he's a dick for not seeing dd for ages, for dating someone 20 years younger, and for dismissing DD's worries. But don't overreact and make the situation even worse for dd.

OP has already clarified about the sex talk:

'My DD came home talking about what sex is etc. we hadn’t had that convo yet, but the gf took it upon herself to tell her what sex is. Obvs furious.'

But I'd be fascinated to hear exactly what kind of talk about sex is appropriate for the 6 month girlfriend of a basically absent father to engage a 7 year old in. Without her mother's permission, obviously.

electriclight · 20/09/2023 21:15

"But I'd be fascinated to hear exactly what kind of talk about sex is appropriate for the 6 month girlfriend of a basically absent father to engage a 7 year old in. Without her mother's permission."

But possibly with her father's permission. Possibly instigated by dd. Possibly to address a misunderstand or misconception. I'm not defending her but I wouldn't be kneejerk doing anything without a conversation. Based on my experience of teaching kids of a similar age, years of listening to their sad stories about how much their parents hate each other.

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 21:19

electriclight · 20/09/2023 21:15

"But I'd be fascinated to hear exactly what kind of talk about sex is appropriate for the 6 month girlfriend of a basically absent father to engage a 7 year old in. Without her mother's permission."

But possibly with her father's permission. Possibly instigated by dd. Possibly to address a misunderstand or misconception. I'm not defending her but I wouldn't be kneejerk doing anything without a conversation. Based on my experience of teaching kids of a similar age, years of listening to their sad stories about how much their parents hate each other.

Imagine being 19 years old, in the company of a 7 year old who's a complete stranger to you, and thinking that anything justifies you telling her about sex. Anything, including having her absent father's permission. It's actually sick how obsessed a large subset of people are with talking to small children about sex right now. And you're a teacher. What chance do children have?

electriclight · 20/09/2023 21:33

"And you're a teacher. What chance do children have?"

You are being ridiculous. Im not defending either of them. There are definitely discussions needed, questions to be asked and answered. All im advocating is discussion rather than stopping contact immediately because I see first hand how damaging that can be.

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 21:47

electriclight · 20/09/2023 21:33

"And you're a teacher. What chance do children have?"

You are being ridiculous. Im not defending either of them. There are definitely discussions needed, questions to be asked and answered. All im advocating is discussion rather than stopping contact immediately because I see first hand how damaging that can be.

I was actually trying to be charitable to you. You clearly implied that the following would justify our 19 year old stranger telling a 7 year old about sex:

'possibly with her father's permission. Possibly instigated by dd. Possibly to address a misunderstand or misconception.'

Do you actually believe those are justifications for strangers telling 7 year olds about sex? There's discussion needed here alright, about how this 19 year old, and so many others like her, and like you, are so ethically confused, to put it nicely, about talking to small children about sex.

You're not the first teacher I've seen with that attitude either, this isn't an isolated incident. A Muslim girl in DD's class was exempted from sex ed at her parent's request. The delightful teacher continued to talk about periods in front of her all year anyway. She also did it while a class of younger girls (who are not yet due for sex ed under the curriculum) were in the room because their teacher was out sick. And I could go on. You all need to sort yourselves out.

SettleThis · 20/09/2023 21:58

electriclight · 20/09/2023 21:07

I think it's an overreaction to talk about stopping contact or safeguarding concerns.

She 'wears very little.' What does that mean? Skimpy shorts and a vest top are fine in her own home. Bra and g string obviously not.

Spoken about sex - would ask for clarification before jumping to conclusions.

Possessive, touching and draping on your ex - as every 19 year old does based on the students I work with.

She is not nice to dd when he isn't there - what does this mean? DD is not her child so if he's not there, she's babysitting. Maybe she isn't interested in children because I definitely wasn't at that age. If she doesn't want to play games or watch children's tv then that's one thing, but shouting or any sort of abuse obviously not. I suspect she is just disinterested and dd picks up on it.

To me, it sounds as if you disapprove of their relationship (and I don't blame you), but your dd is picking up on this. Maybe she doesn't like seeing her dad with a gf, particularly one who's so young. Maybe she enjoys telling you what she thinks you want to hear.

I wouldn't stop contact without a discussion. Nothing here is serious enough to stop contact. You wouldn't let him stop you from seeing your kids just because you had a partner he disapproved of.

And the weekend thing - very unusual for the arrangement to be every weekend for obvious reasons and I don't think you can blame him for pushing for a change.

Don't get me wrong - he's a dick for not seeing dd for ages, for dating someone 20 years younger, and for dismissing DD's worries. But don't overreact and make the situation even worse for dd.

All of this.

electriclight · 20/09/2023 22:05

"You're not the first teacher I've seen with that attitude either, this isn't an isolated incident. A Muslim girl in DD's class was exempted from sex ed at her parent's request. The delightful teacher continued to talk about periods in front of her all year anyway. She also did it while a class of younger girls (who are not yet due for sex ed under the curriculum) were in the room because their teacher was out sick. And I could go on. You all need to sort yourselves out."

I think you are letting your experiences of a single teacher colour your judgment of all of us.

Please remember that I am advocating for a conversation before telling her she can't see her dad any more. I see the impact of that sort of decision all the time. I do not see anything in the op that warrants that level of fallout.

And by the way - you don't know what the 'Muslim girl' was withdrawn from. Many parents are concerned about sex ed but happy for their child to learn about menstruation. We have Year 4 girls who have started their periods - imagine the fear if you didn't know anything about it.

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 22:15

electriclight · 20/09/2023 22:05

"You're not the first teacher I've seen with that attitude either, this isn't an isolated incident. A Muslim girl in DD's class was exempted from sex ed at her parent's request. The delightful teacher continued to talk about periods in front of her all year anyway. She also did it while a class of younger girls (who are not yet due for sex ed under the curriculum) were in the room because their teacher was out sick. And I could go on. You all need to sort yourselves out."

I think you are letting your experiences of a single teacher colour your judgment of all of us.

Please remember that I am advocating for a conversation before telling her she can't see her dad any more. I see the impact of that sort of decision all the time. I do not see anything in the op that warrants that level of fallout.

And by the way - you don't know what the 'Muslim girl' was withdrawn from. Many parents are concerned about sex ed but happy for their child to learn about menstruation. We have Year 4 girls who have started their periods - imagine the fear if you didn't know anything about it.

When I said 'I could go on' I really did mean it. I just don't want to drag this thread off on a tangent about a bigger issue. And this isn't a judgment about 'us', if by 'us' you mean teachers. It's a judgment about everyone who has disturbed attitudes to talking to children about sex. Especially other people's children.

Why did you put 'Muslim girl' in scare quotes? She's literally a girl who is a Muslim and that's why her parents had her exempted which is obviously why I mentioned her religion. I do know what she was withdrawn from, but I'm not getting into it here.

I notice you've completely refused to answer the question I asked you. I can keep repeating it so it's clear every time that you're continuing to evade it. This is my point, so there's no confusion:

You clearly implied that the following would justify our 19 year old stranger telling a 7 year old about sex:

'possibly with her father's permission. Possibly instigated by dd. Possibly to address a misunderstand or misconception.'

Do you actually believe those are justifications for strangers telling 7 year olds about sex?

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 22:18

And of course you don't think it warrants a fallout. You think it's ok for 19 year old strangers to tell 7 year olds about sex if they ask them about it, if their absent father gives them permission to do so, or to address misunderstandings or misconceptions said 7 year old has about sex.

electriclight · 20/09/2023 22:32

"Do you actually believe those are justifications for strangers telling 7 year olds about sex?"

I am not getting dragged into your belligerent nonsense.

Read into it what you will.

I am saying ask ex and his gf some bloody questions before cutting contact, that's it.

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