To think there’s nothing I can do to protect DC from narcissistic exH?

[teabycandlelight]

I’m feeling so low at the moment. My DC is going through some struggles at school etc. he is often anxious, but doesn’t want to talk about feelings.

my ex was abusive and controlling. He continues to be so, and actively tries to undo or undermine any good work I do to support my son.

Im really struggling with how to deal with it. DC adores his dad, and I shield him from most of his dads actions ( refusal to pay any maintenance etc) simply because I don’t let it impact my DCs opportunities/ life.

however- my ex is very subtly poisonous and is jealous of my relationship with my DC.

it makes me paranoid and I often don’t ask my DC not to say anything to their dad about our plans/ stuff we are doing.

this is because he has form for sabotaging events. However, my kids don’t see it.

I hate asking DC to withhold information from their dad, but I don’t know how else to navigate it.

I think it depends on the age of DC.
Do you have to tell DC about every single plan in advance? What they don't know about, they can't tell your ex about. Again, this depends on age.

@endofthelinefinally they are now secondary age. It’s getting more difficult to not tell them plans in advance.

I don't believe that shielding children from the NRP's poor actions is a good idea. There's a huge difference between bad mouthing the other parent and being factual, "I'm afraid we can't afford that as your dad hasn't paid his maintenance" is okay, "Your dad's a stingy fucker who wouldn't put his hand in his pocket if his mother was dying of thirst" is not.

Particularly when they are teenagers.

Asking them to keep secrets from their dad is also going to subtly reinforce his message that you are the problem. Rather, if you have, for example, a long planned and looked forward to trip planned and he then ruins it, you can express your frustration about that, "we had all been looking forward to that and it's a real pity that your dad is not willing to compromise on your time with him to facilitate it"

Thanks @GingerIsBest I will try that- good advice.

I agree with @GingerIsBest My ex has been very difficult since I left him and at first I didn't tell the kids anything but I realised it affected our relationship. I started being honest about the things their dad was doing because it had an effect on them too. I told my ex I was doing that and I said that if he isn't proud of his behaviour then maybe he should stop acting that way. Eventually he did mellow down, but isn't quite reasonable just yet.

I think a lot of men rely on women continuing to protect them because they (the women) don't want to upset or confuse the children - "why daddy doesn't love me?"

This is particularly true when they leave when the DC are young, and the result is that even being honest is really difficult because the DC just don't understand.

@RoachFish I’ll never understand why so many men find it so difficult to put their kids first.

Their desire to punish their ex partner over rides everything