Partner doesn't work

[Sahm987654]

Hi there. My partner of 15 years stopped working 6 years ago, largely due to his anxiety. He has sought treatment for this and earlier this year felt able to start looking for work. He gets horrific anxiety before interviews but has gotten through them and was offered a job which was due to start on Monday. He spent last week having massive panic attacks about it to the point where he refused to start the job on Monday and we are back to square one again. I now have a good job but it's not enough to cover the bills, especially with the cost of living etc. We have no savings left. I was relying on him starting this job to take the pressure off me and give us a little more disposable income but no amount of pleading, cajoling etc would change his mind. It was such a good opportunity I feel so cross/resentful and I really don't know where to go from here. We have 4 kids 3 primary, 1 high school) but I often feel like he is the 5th one as I seem to do most things around the house/organise everything. I'm supportive of his mental health issues but I feel like I am reaching my limits. AIBU?

What treatment did he have for his anxiety? Is there anything else he can access?

I guess the problem is that the longer he’s away from work the more anxious he gets.

IDK, I’d feel the same in your shoes but equally I guess if it’s genuine anxiety it might not be something he can help.

Can be do a few months volunteer work to get familiar with work again?

Is he taking medication/therapy to treat the symptoms of his anxiety?

What do you or he think the cause of the anxiety is?

on what you’ve said, I think you have the patience of a saint and I don’t know how sustainable this situation would be for most people.

What treatment did he get previously? Was it therapy or medication? Or both? If medication then he needs to be consistent with it, or maybe he needs to book another course of therapy sessions. The transition period will be difficult for him, but change is scary, and he can't allow it to stop him from moving forward in life - especially as he has kids to support.

He needs to proactively do something rather than bury his head in the sand (which of course is what you want to do when in an anxious state).

Firstly can he claim PIP/ESA/Carers' Allowance?

Then you need to sit him down and talk about the reality of what happens next. Downsizing, economising, reducing costs.

Then you need to tell him you expect him to do more round the house and with the children he helped create. What does he do all day? You need to assess whether he is using his anxiety to avoid doing his fair share.

The situation is not sustainable, as you said. Practically, financially or emotionally. He needs to know you have your limits.