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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bedtime for 13yo

60 replies

sprinkleblush · 19/09/2023 22:46

DC is 13, will be 14 just before Xmas

Solo parent with zero childcare ever (literally never)

So DC bedtime is 830, lights out 930

Up at 630am and usually tired!

AIBU in thinking that's not too early to go to bed?

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 20/09/2023 22:37

We don't have a set bedtime as 14 year old DD has always been good at going to bed, she puts herself to bed between 8-10:30 depending on how she's feeling.

If I want alone time or to watch something on TV that she doesn't I just go to my room. I guess I might feel different if I lived in a house and on separate floors but we live in a flat and DD is more than capable of turning the living room tv and lights off.

Ladyj84 · 20/09/2023 22:45

8:30 for a 13 year old hmmmm our 13 soon to be 14 next month it's 10 weekdays read for half an hour and 11ish weekends. I'm not being funny he would find it super weird to go to bed his siblings go between 8-8:30 and there only 2 and 3 lol

morellamalessdrama · 20/09/2023 22:55

sprinkleblush · 20/09/2023 21:55

With 10pm bedtimes how do you manage alone/couple time? I go to bed myself around 10pm lol

We are all up at 630 for work/school, usually out the door 745 and DD "needs" an hour for hair and makeup lol. She's always tired and hard to wake up, I think a later bedtime might be an issue

Alone time isn't a thing with teenagers I'm afraid. If they are 13 then you could go out for a couple of hours for couple time.

Invisimamma · 20/09/2023 22:57

sprinkleblush · 20/09/2023 21:55

With 10pm bedtimes how do you manage alone/couple time? I go to bed myself around 10pm lol

We are all up at 630 for work/school, usually out the door 745 and DD "needs" an hour for hair and makeup lol. She's always tired and hard to wake up, I think a later bedtime might be an issue

There's less alone and couple time than when they were younger. But they also spend a lot of time doing things independently of us, either in their rooms or out with friends.

Also we will say for example 'at 9pm we're watching adult tv shows, you don't need to go to sleep but you do need to go to your room and chill while we have our own time.' Or we'll feed the kids pizza earlier and make ourselves a nice date-night meal later and ask them to stay out the way for a bit.

Anonymouseposter · 20/09/2023 23:05

I don’t agree at all that going to sleep at 9.30 is too early if she’s up at 6.30. A lot of younger teenagers are sleep deprived these days. If she wants to do an activity that means she’s up later on one night she can be flexible about it but in general I think it’s okay.

RedSoloCup · 20/09/2023 23:06

12yo 10.30 on school nights, 11ish weekends although not really policed and she goes earlier mostly school nights voluntarily, she's youngest of three though older ones were probably earlier we have given up 😂

Hairyfairy01 · 21/09/2023 08:10

I'm amazed at all of these 'bed times' for teenagers to be honest. Mine have learnt to go to bed when they need to depending what is on the following day.

PennyNotWise · 21/09/2023 08:35

Yikes there's lots of people here who don't know how many hours sleep kids (and adults) need!
My DD is 12 and has similar times to yours OP and it's going well so why change it. She's an avid reader so enjoys her bedtime, she's healthy, not tired, does well at school and isn't a grumpy little shit who struggles like some of her friends who stay up late watching Stranger Things 🙄 or going to a million clubs 🤷‍♀️

ASCCM · 21/09/2023 08:38

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 22:28

That's way too early for a 13/14yo.

I'd say 10-10.30pm is more appropriate for the age.

What? No? That’s the time I want to go to bed!!

my 11 and 13 year olds are always asleep by 9.30, they get up at 6.45. Any later and I can’t get them up. ( edited to add they go up at 8.30/8.45)

I hate it when step kids are here and they want to go later , the younger one walks around like a tired zombie most of the time and clearly needs more sleep than she gets! 9.30 is late enough for anyone at school IMO!

TeenDivided · 21/09/2023 08:41

Anonymouseposter · 20/09/2023 23:05

I don’t agree at all that going to sleep at 9.30 is too early if she’s up at 6.30. A lot of younger teenagers are sleep deprived these days. If she wants to do an activity that means she’s up later on one night she can be flexible about it but in general I think it’s okay.

Agree. You can't look at bedtime in isolation, you have to look at what time they wake up and whether they are tired.
FWIW if it was lights out 10:30, up at 730 far fewer people would be saying it was an issue.

MmmALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 21/09/2023 08:42

Everything off at 10.30/11 here, depending on how tired I am. All up at 6.30 (their choice) on school days.

DH works away so I'm usually in bed by 8! Sleep for me is around 11-12 though. The early mornings catch up with us all so might sneak a 10pm early night in without any fuss. Or if they're hard to wake up, I tell them they're getting a 10pm knock off as they're clearly tired.

9.30 is way too early. Unfortunately, we just have to suck it up and compromise with them. It's not fair on them to be going to bed so early but it's not fair on us to have to always have late nights. It's give and take, we all have to have some flexibility.

Edited after reading some replies: mine are never grumpy, never walking around like zombies, not hard work to get ready in the mornings. The older one may need woke up two or three times some days but once he's up, he's no bother. No issues with getting to school on time or with concentration. If they're feeling tired, they get themselves an early night.

Beezknees · 21/09/2023 08:43

It's fine if she's tired. I am 33 and I go to bed before 10pm most nights!

LaviniasBigBloomers · 21/09/2023 08:51

This is when you start to teach them to self-regulate. At 13, the only hard and fast rule we had was to be off devices by 9 and we didn't really police lights-out. But DS wasn't a big reader, so once he was off phone etc it was just a case of showering and bed.

Make sure her devices aren't in her room - DS's sat (actually still sit and he's 18 now!) downstairs and we would regularly hear pings at midnight...

margotrose · 21/09/2023 08:55

Are your children actually going to sleep that early or are they just in their rooms?

I remember having a 9pm bedtime at a similar age and my sleep actually suffered because instead of sleeping, I was lying in bed wide awake and bored until almost midnight.

Eventually my parents relented and I was allowed to go up at 10 - but at that point I was genuinely tired and fell asleep pretty much straight away.

If they're going up and sleeping then obviously keep it as it is, but there's no point sending them to bed early if they're just going to lie there.

faban · 21/09/2023 09:01

I'm so shocked at people saying 10/10.30 for a 13 year old! I'm an adult and have to be asleep for 10 and I'm up at 7.30! This kid is up an hour earlier!

margotrose · 21/09/2023 09:18

faban · 21/09/2023 09:01

I'm so shocked at people saying 10/10.30 for a 13 year old! I'm an adult and have to be asleep for 10 and I'm up at 7.30! This kid is up an hour earlier!

I'm up at 7.30 and don't go to bed until midnight 🤷‍♀️

Backtoreality1 · 21/09/2023 09:25

What does she want? Has she complained it is too early? What would she be doing with the extra time? I would maybe move both timings half an hour later, so if she is upstairs you still get your alone time, and then lights out when you go up to bed. However, if she is happy with the current situation, no need to change.

YukoandHiro · 21/09/2023 09:27

I'm so happy if I've managed to get my 6yo in bed with lights off by 9! To be fair she's always in her PJs for 7.30 as she has a younger sister, who still needs to be asleep by 7.30, but she then messes about for hoourrrssss

cocksstrideintheevening · 21/09/2023 09:30

DTs are nearly 13, on non activity nights they go up around 8.30 and lights out at 9ish. Activity nights, twice on school nights they don't get in until 9.30 so it more like 10.30 lights out.

Weekends they manage themselves but are usually in asleep by ten.

They get up at 6 for school and wake naturally around 7 at the weekends.

thesugarbumfairy · 21/09/2023 09:44

it seems quite an early bedtime, but then they are all different. It also depends how quickly they fall asleep. Mine is pretty much the same age. Lights out no later than 10.30 but more like 10. They get up at 7am and are fine at the beginning of the week. Harder to wake by Friday but not too tired.

Stompythedinosaur · 21/09/2023 09:56

I think that's an unusually early bedtime, and expecting alone time after bedtime is unrealistic when you have teenagers.

ManateeFair · 21/09/2023 10:07

I mean, it depends whether they're happy with that but 8.30 seems extremely early for 13 year old to me.

I'm so shocked at people saying 10/10.30 for a 13 year old! I'm an adult and have to be asleep for 10 and I'm up at 7.30! This kid is up an hour earlier!

I'm up at 7.30 and I'm almost never in bed before midnight. I'd hate to go to bed at 10pm.

Whatwereyouthinking · 21/09/2023 10:44

My nearly 14yo dd doesn’t really have a bedtime as I think she’s old enough to decide for herself since she’s a sensible girl - she is asleep between 9:30 and 10:30 depending on how tired she is. That’s enough sleep for her - she gets up at 6:30am.

Sprinkles211 · 21/09/2023 10:48

Same bedtime as my 7month old and 7 year old sen child (mentally 3) my 15 year old tends to settle around 10pm and I ask they come off their phone which she does

Carlessly · 21/09/2023 10:49

My DS is the same age as yours and has the same bedtime. Aim for him to be in his room at 830, lights out at 930. Alarm at 6 and is always hideous! (He's slow in the morning, needs to leave house at 650 to catch the bus).