To feel a bit sad that I was never hot when I was younger

[Justdontforgethelegofrog]

Completely pointless thread.
I've been overweight my whole life. I'm overweight now in my late thirties and I was more overweight aged 18-27.
Now I'm older, I get a certain sadness when I see these younger women who are just stunning in a way I never was. Not just my weight which was all around my mid section, and at 5" tall has always made me dumpling like, but the confidence, the vitality.
I was in a long term controlling relationship for twenty years which played havoc on my self worth. I didn't see it at the time as I have always been 'funny' 'bubbly' and a 'good laugh' but I felt crippled by insecurity about my looks. I drank to try to get over how I felt and I stayed in my awful relationship because I really thought no one would want me again.
Now I'm older and single, that part doesn't bother me and I honestly wouldn't want to be involved with someone to that extent ever again. But the idea that even by losing weight, caring about my clothes, sorting out my bad teeth and monobrow, I'll never be a sun kissed 21 year old again with the world at my feet. I'll never get those perks or that feeling of being admired by others, being envied.
Yeah I know, there are people who have real stuff to mourn and feel sad about, but this is my pity party. I am trying to make an effort now but part of me thinks what's the point.

Small solace but I bet you don’t have cankles like me. I could get down to a size 4 but never feel comfortable to show my legs.

Get fit, buy some new things and you’ll feel amazing. You’re still very young. Savour each moment.

I couldn't think of anything worse than being a teen/ early 20-something again, especially these days what with all the pressure of social media, no amount of beauty and vitality could convince me to go there.
They all may look 'stunning' what with all the filters and photoshop, but hardly any of them have real confidence. Mental health problems among this age group are HUGE.
They have so much pressure and one day in the not so far away future they will look back and realise they are now late 30s and what the hell were they all doing??

You are still young! Get out there, make changes tomorrow, and just enjoy being past that awful age of pressure pressure pressure. Do things for YOU.
It is so liberating when you finally get past the stage where you do everything to impress others, fit in and be accepted!

I honestly feel so sorry for the youngsters today, their childhoods and teenage years have been tainted by all these smartphones.

Yeah.. but there’s no point dwelling on it, lots of people in their 20s are having a shit regardless of what they look like.

You are still pretty young, try and focus on yourself now. Perhaps find some women around your age / body type to focus on for style inspiration

Late thirties? Goodness me, you are a spring chicken!

You may feel like you have wasted the last 20 years. Please, please do not waste the rest of your life! You can still be fabulous, You can still live the rest of your life as a well kept, confident woman. Honestly, you can.

Please stop dwelling on the past and instead, look to the future. You mention losing weight - now is the time to start. Don't leave it any longer, it is said to be harder once perimenopause kicks in. Make a brow appointment, they are relatively cheap, quick and it is the easiest thing in the world to just make the appointment and turn up. Beauticians love making others look good - that is why they are beauticians! It will make such a difference, I swear! Pop over to the Style and Beauty board and tell them what you have told us. They're a nice bunch there, nothing like the vipers (and I include myself in that!) here!

If it makes you feel just a tiny bit better then there is a point. You deserve to feel better about yourself. Let me repeat that - YOU DESERVE BETTER!

I used to be quite hot when I was young but it never really did me any good. I didn’t have any real confidence.

I’m single with two DC in my 40s now, after a very rubbish marriage.

You‘re younger today than you‘ll ever be again. Grab it! I was never a hottie either, 4‘11 and overweight. Doesn’t matter. Do what makes you feel your best, just for you, now.

I was very lovely looking in my 20s, and not without male attention. I wore tights jeans & loved fashion. I lived in London & Paris.
But, I never had a boyfriend. Had plenty of dodgy men situations. I had an eating disorder & no confidence underneath it all.

Yanbu at all to feel sad and acknowledge the hurt of your past self.

However that past self has got you to where you are now, alive and kicking, monobrow, weight and all. And from here you have the opportunity to think where do you want to go, your fine self who has already been graced with your decades on the planet and will God willing be graced with more to come.

You are taking stock. That means not just looking at what is spent but also buying in for the future. What do you want that future to be?

I know what you mean, but being hot when you are younger gets you in lots of trouble with dodgy blokes, and lots of harassment, so it's not as great as you might think!

One week at a time, not everything at once. Sort the things that can be sorted, and most of the things you list CAN be sorted as OP have suggested. You have a new chance, starting tomorrow, and you just have to take it if you want to - but you don't have to do it all tomorrow, and just move on from setbacks - bad week, no progress, ah well, we all have those weeks. Don't have regrets, or "what might have beens", it really is beyond pointless. Not one person on this Earth, let alone this thread will be able to look back and say "wow, I did everything absolutely right all the time, and I looked amazing too"....(oops, forgot I was on mumsnet for a moment there, no doubt there will be someone along shortly....🙄🙄😂)

I get what you mean OP. I have never once had a lovely flat tummy. Even at my slimmest I have a Pilsbury Doughboy belly. It's the way I'm built. I do wonder what it must be like to have a tiny waist and a flat tummy and wear cute jeans and a top, but at my age it's not going to happen now!!

However, you are younger than me. I was not at my healthiest or most attractive through my teens either, but in my 30s I took up going to the gym, found an eating plan that worked better for me, ran marathons, and looked and felt fantastic. It was hard work and time consuming. You can do it if you are motivated enough to put the work in.

I saw a tiktok recently of a girl musing that for her friends who look fantastic all the time it's because it's their hobby. Looking hot is their hobby, and it's what they work at every day.

@NailyDale that's the thing, I don't think I am motivated enough! I have two children and a full time job in a busy healthcare role and I'm studying for my masters as well. It's not something I feel much inclination to aim for at this point in my life, as being invisible to the opposite sex actually works quite well for me.
However there is part of me that wished I had the confidence that comes with having been a head turner back in my youth. I think it was probably easier to achieve then as my skin was naturally better, hair was less manic, no stretch marks etc. I could have probably eaten what I liked and looked alright, it was only because I was binging so much that I gained weight!

I was hot from around 17-35. I still ended up in a dv relationship. Been sexually assaulted many times and generally found men just wanted sex not a relationship

I think very few 20 somethings, even if they are head turners, have the confidence like you imagine, op.

I am 6ft, was a slender size 10, did some modelling, was considered very attractive. Nobody I knew in the modelling arena or at university was confident and aware the world lay at their feet. Nobody saw it like that.

You're still going. Very busy and successful by the sounds of it. The world lies at your feet now! You're doing so well. Relish it.

I was grossly over weight in my late teens/early twenties (when it mattered) but was one of those ‘oh she’s pretty but just really fat shame she doesn’t lose weight’ girls.

I’m now 30 with two toddlers (one disabled) and due to severe gastro issues I’m thin as a rake. I’m talking bmi of 18.5 😬 tbh it sucks as I just got it totally the wrong way around. When it was ‘cool’ and ‘trendy’ to be skinny I was massive and now other mums just don’t like me because most of them are struggling with post baby/small kids weight and I’m so thin. I get a lot of pointed comments and they treat me like I’ve no doubt always been this thin pretty popular girl and am now just lucky or genetically blessed than even having 2 babies in the space of 18 months didn’t ruin me.

Ive stopped telling them I used to be big because the couple I did seemed to dislike me even more for it. I guess because knowing I’d lost 7/8st took away their ability to tell me ‘how hard’ managing their weight post kids has been.

I don’t know but personally I’d rather be fat and happy again than this. I miss food. Everything just makes me poorly now.

Now I'm older, I get a certain sadness when I see these younger women who are just stunning in a way I never was.

Today is all we have. I can't say I was or am "hot" I do and always have enjoyed being in my body though.

Feeling sexy or content has been as is about how I feel as opposed to how I look. If I'm clean, moisturised, comfy, wearing even a colour I like, maybe get my eyebrows or nails done..

Small things that make me feel good.

I do smile when I see the types of girls and women you're talking about though- watching others being feminine in that way is lovely .. Ali most magical in some cases

Good grief. In 10 years time you will be late 40's and bemoaning not making the most of your late 30's to get your act together and start enjoying yourself.

At what point do you stop looking back?

Get off your arse, start doing things to change yourself for the positive effects and FOR YOU. Get fit. Eat Well. Sort your teeth. Sort your mono brow. Have some fun.

Nothing you have mentioned is off limits for a positive late 30's woman.

@Tessasanderson get off your arse? Wow.
I'm fucking busy and exhausted. I'm a single mum of two, working full time, other caring responsibilities and I like to walk. Is that good enough for you?
Statistically, I'm unlikely to ever be a size 10. Im currently a 14, at my biggest I was a size 20. Research shows that larger people rarely maintain weightloss long term, it's just not the same as a size 10 being able to cut back and get into the size 8 jeans that she was two months ago. It's un- doing not just eating habits but huge shifts in your hormone levels which mean that you are not rampantly hungry all the time. I lost weight through fasting but it wasn't drastic amounts. I was averaging 1,200 calories and still only ever got to a 14.

People need to stop blaming fat people and look at the reasons why. This lazy 'get off your arse' mantra when speaking to fat consultants, fat nurses, fat politicians, as if they're binge eating twix ice cream on the sofa all day watching box sets. The reasons why people can't lose weight are as varied and as complex as the reasons why people put on weight in the first place.

I hear you. I’m early 60s. And overweight though not obese. Was at the gym yesterday, normally it’s all shapes and sizes but yesterday there did seem to be a higher proportion of young toned girls than usual. When I was in my 20’s gyms/working out were not really a thing. So although I was slim I wasn’t toned like these young girls and I feel like a fat lump next to them!