To want him to go for a promotion?

[TheWindBegins]

My DH has been miserable at home in the last couple of years and said largely due to stresses of the job. He went down to part-time and took a more junior job (after being head of a department in a school) - and cut his salary by 50%

It hasn't really helped his mental health. He is still anxious and although less stressed, he still gets very tired and disengaged. One of his big stresses is money.

DH has had 2 therapy sessions in which they wrote a letter to his GP, recommended CBT and other things. He hasn't done any of these things.

His boss has started talking about senior leadership and him going on a course if he wants to go for it. He said he would do it but hasn't. When I asked tonight he said "can't believe you're pushing me, i have clinical anxiety, it's not that i'm not willing but my MH isn't letting me do it" (he doesn't have a diagonsis but i don't want to discredit this)

I can see he is an anxious man, he struggles with lots of everyday things - but AIBU to feel a bit alone in all of this?

I work full time, have gone for promotions by working evenings, have done job applications in the weekends, and have even taken on freelance work to fit in to supplement my income. He is often pushing me to make money, because he is so worried about our finances (we don't have huge savings but we are fine - we can afford our costs).

He does look after our youngest one day a week, but he will be going to school in next Sep.

I don't mind if he doesn't' want to go for a promotion, but is it really fair to be telling me we have to make cut backs, that i shouldn't be buying face cream etc, given I'm the one working my arse off and he isn't working full time and spends his evenings on his phone and his weekends chilling.

AIBU - he has MH needs and he is working so leave him alone

i understand your frustrations, your correct op.

You're asking the wrong AIBU OP.
YABU to make him take the promotion, but YANBU to be frustrated regarding his attitude to money.
It's bloody cheeky of him to nag you while he sits on his arse. Equally... 'one day a week' childcare is nothing.

He doesn't have to get a promotion, but there's nothing stopping him from looking for low stress evening and weekend work where you just do your job and go home. In fact as a former headteacher he'd be well placed to do some tutoring on the side.

But he absolutely shouldn't make finances your problems. He needs a kick up the arse in my humble opinion. At the very least he should be doing the majority of the housework!

Thank you. He definitely doesn't do much housework. He would argue he is doing the most he can manage without getting anxious so he needs all that downtime. I have some sympathy with that but not if he spends the whole time telling me not to buy the odd thing for myself when I'm working so hard

Agree op I'm in a similar situation. I work really hard to earn more doing overtime, promotions which include hard exams. OH likes his job as it is and won't do anything else yet it seems to be me having to cut back despite earning more. It's frustrating. Not sure what thr amswer is as if you push ( and I push my oh) and it doesn't work out...guess who will get blamed for it!

The thing that would get me more than anything, is that he isn't trying to get the help he needs. It's all very well saying he is anxious...... bloody well get yourself some help then, or change jobs do something about it.

If he couldn’t cope with a head of department job then I don’t think he is going to be able to cope in a senior leadership role. Maybe teaching isn’t for him and he could look for a job in another field or could be private tutoring?

I think you'd get a different answer if you asked teachers or put teacher in the title.

SO many teachers are leaving due to burnout and stress. Honestly. If you see any of noblegiraffes threads she's been posting about this often.

Teaching is SO stressful and when you're in the middle of it it if its causing anxiety can feel like you are doing everything just to stand still. Even when you're trying to unwind. You know you need to unwind but can't because your brain is racing with thoughts.

SO many people leave the profession. Its a known thing. Trying to do more work/more training isn't going to help at all if he's in the middle of anxiety issues and middle of therapy. (Aside from teaching going through therapy can be intense in itself.)

It absolutely knocks your confidence having to reduce hours. It becomes its own cycle where you feel you are failing at work, then at home as income is less.

It's criminal that this this happening to teachers/couples/partners all over the UK.

I think keep pushing him at this stage will ultimately backfire. (Pushing anyone into doing more work will tbh. If this post was a man saying he wanting his wife to have a better job would it have got the same response!?)

It's a crisis a bit like breaking your leg but it's a mental health one. But may need similar support.

Has he looked st other careers (life after teaching) is a good Facebook group for this. It may be once settled he flies.

Doing nothing will NOT help him MH. If he really wanted to improve his MH he would be seeking ways to do so, such as the therapy he's been offered, taking up exercise, pursuing a hobby, supporting the family in other ways besides work.

I struggle with severe anxiety and I have learned that if I don't prioritise my MH with therapy, exercise, and self care, I will fall apart. I can't let my family down like that.

Your DH needs to change his behaviour if he wants to see any improvement. Mindless phone scrolling is the worst thing he could do! It's addictive and sedentary, both of which make anxiety worse.

Just seen he has only had 2 therapy sessions. Therapy can be great but summer holidays would have been the time to have It due to crazy term time brain. Right now is the worse term going into winter.

I've seen so many teachers struggle and leave teaching. I think he may need some support or you may just drive a wedge between you (which is obviously the other option if you can't manage it)

I'm so fed up of this double standard. My ex claimed depression and used it as his excuse to check out of all parenting and housework. I watched my life crumble. I'm single coping with an awful lot of life and feeling pretty horrendous but still fucking manage to keep the house and the kids all by myself.

If work is too much for him he should look to change it. Teaching is hard. But he's still a partner and father at home he has to do his bit. And if sacrifices need making he should be doing it too not just you. Maybe you need that cream for your MH seeing as you doing it all

If he was physically disabled in a way that made working full time hard, would you expect him to go for promotions wtc anyway?

Island. Yes that exactly.

I totally understand how his MH might have been badly affected by teaching. It’s shit.

However, he appears to be revelling in this as some kind of get out clause for anything he doesn’t want to do. Not doing housework because it affects his anxiety is a prime example.

I wouldn’t be taking on more work or responsibilities. If he becomes default parent, you could be in trouble if you split.

I think I would explain how you feel and give him time to get therapy and start pulling his weight more. If he’s resistant to that I would split up. It’s just not fair for him to lay back and expect you to pick up all the slack, moaning that you aren’t providing him with the lifestyle to which he believes he’s entitled.