Am I the asshole?

ByzantineEmpress · 2023-09-19T17:56:42+00:00

My husband has a job with flexitime. I have a job that is term time only. I earn 1.75 times my husbands salary. My husband uses his flexitime to go for runs and to have coffee with mates but he also to bring his elderly mother to medical appointments when that comes up which is as it should be. My time off is used for parenting as the kids are off when I’m off. He has booked two full flexi days for the next two months to bring his mother to and from respite care. Her stay could have been extended meaning she could have been dropped off the previous evenings and collected at the end of the working day because money allows for that to happen but he chose to do it this way. I am honestly really pissed off with him because if anything happens with our kids in the next two months we are going to be really stuck and he will have to eat into his currently planned for Christmas annual leave. We have always only had joint money split equally but increasingly I am feeling resentful of my husband not prioritising our family at all with his time off or thinking about how his plans might impact our family and I am thinking of taking the same attitude with my money. Would I be a complete asshole to take the money I earn in excess of what he earns and start keeping it for myself? Even just for the short term so he can see what it feels like when someone behaves like he is behaving.

KrisAkabusi · 19/09/2023 19:09

You sound horrible. He's helping his mother in and out of respite care. But for some reason you think you should be hiding money from him. One has nothing to do with the other.

Original poster

ByzantineEmpress · 19/09/2023 19:11

KrisAkabusi · 19/09/2023 19:09

You sound horrible. He's helping his mother in and out of respite care. But for some reason you think you should be hiding money from him. One has nothing to do with the other.

I am not annoyed about him bringing his mother to respite. That needs to be done obviously. I am annoyed that he does not consider his family when he makes plans with his flexitime.

OP posts:

whatwasthatgrandma · 19/09/2023 19:12

KrisAkabusi · 19/09/2023 19:09

You sound horrible. He's helping his mother in and out of respite care. But for some reason you think you should be hiding money from him. One has nothing to do with the other.

No she doesn't. She is supposed to earn twice as much money AND be responsible for the childcare, while he uses his time off for himself and his mother, hers are supposed to be to look after his children? Jog on.

OP its not really about the money though, focus on the real money. Keeping money for yourself doesn't help you with him being a selfish prick

Findyourneutralspace · 19/09/2023 19:13

But he’s planned time off over Christmas? Presumably to spend with the family

whatwasthatgrandma · 19/09/2023 19:14

Findyourneutralspace · 19/09/2023 19:13

But he’s planned time off over Christmas? Presumably to spend with the family

How KIND of him! But he only has that if OP covers every childcare emergency for him from now til Xmas, as he has wasted all his leave outside of that

Original poster

ByzantineEmpress · 19/09/2023 19:15

Findyourneutralspace · 19/09/2023 19:13

But he’s planned time off over Christmas? Presumably to spend with the family

Yes but if one of the kids catch covid for example, it is everywhere here at the moment, he will not have any flexi time left to use and he will have to sacrifice Christmas holidays.

OP posts:

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 19:15

Have you considered talking to him at all?

Original poster

ByzantineEmpress · 19/09/2023 19:16

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 19:15

Have you considered talking to him at all?

I’m have tried yes. He is very slippery about it all.

OP posts:

Firebrickblue · 19/09/2023 19:16

I think people will focus on the elderly mother part of this story but actually that’s not the point at all. It sounds like he mostly uses his time off to please himself whereas you use yours for parenting! I would be resentful too under these circumstances!

Original poster

ByzantineEmpress · 19/09/2023 19:20

Firebrickblue · 19/09/2023 19:16

I think people will focus on the elderly mother part of this story but actually that’s not the point at all. It sounds like he mostly uses his time off to please himself whereas you use yours for parenting! I would be resentful too under these circumstances!

The mother part is relevant because it is a huge part of why he took this job and that is as it should be.

He is just being thoughtless and selfish about how he is applying the flexitime and I am feeling very resentful of his behaviour. I actually thought he would change when I’m back at work again and then he landed this one on me. I’m really pissed off.

OP posts:

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 19:21

ByzantineEmpress · 19/09/2023 19:16

I’m have tried yes. He is very slippery about it all.

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You left that out. What exactly did he say?

Original poster

ByzantineEmpress · 19/09/2023 19:24

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 19:21

You left that out. What exactly did he say?

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A lot of “won’t someone think of the elderly mother”. A bit of deflection and twisting of what I was trying to say that sort of crap.

OP posts:

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 19:31

ByzantineEmpress · 19/09/2023 19:24

A lot of “won’t someone think of the elderly mother”. A bit of deflection and twisting of what I was trying to say that sort of crap.

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Then you need to have a better conversation with him until you come up with solutions that work for you both. There are almost certainly more than two options. Responding with some kind of money tit for tat is how you get divorced. If you want to skip to the divorce, just do that instead.

BranchGold · 19/09/2023 19:33

If the children are unwell, could he take parental leave?

Olika · 19/09/2023 19:33

Firebrickblue · 19/09/2023 19:16

I think people will focus on the elderly mother part of this story but actually that’s not the point at all. It sounds like he mostly uses his time off to please himself whereas you use yours for parenting! I would be resentful too under these circumstances!

I would too. And I would talk to him about this unbalance.

WeWereInParis · 19/09/2023 19:38

How KIND of him! But he only has that if OP covers every childcare emergency for him from now til Xmas, as he has wasted all his leave outside of that

It sounds like that's not actually an option. And that he will have to take his annual leave on those occasions, instead of at Christmas, because OP can't cover them? Is that right OP?

Original poster

ByzantineEmpress · 19/09/2023 19:49

WeWereInParis · 19/09/2023 19:38

How KIND of him! But he only has that if OP covers every childcare emergency for him from now til Xmas, as he has wasted all his leave outside of that

It sounds like that's not actually an option. And that he will have to take his annual leave on those occasions, instead of at Christmas, because OP can't cover them? Is that right OP?

Yes that is the case I work term term and it is completely inflexible.

OP posts:

Original poster

ByzantineEmpress · 19/09/2023 19:54

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 19:31

Then you need to have a better conversation with him until you come up with solutions that work for you both. There are almost certainly more than two options. Responding with some kind of money tit for tat is how you get divorced. If you want to skip to the divorce, just do that instead.

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I just responded with the money tit for tat.

I asked him how would he feel if I did that with money, he knows I wouldn’t really do it because I’m all guff, but I said it felt to me like he was doing the equivalent with his time.

He appears to have gotten what I was saying.

OP posts:

sandyhappypeople · 19/09/2023 20:21

ByzantineEmpress · 19/09/2023 19:49

Yes that is the case I work term term and it is completely inflexible.

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So his flexitime does benefit you as a family when the kids need something during your working hours surely?

Why would he have to eat into his Christmas time, that's the whole point of flexi time, in that you can work over and under as required, surely he'd just build his flexi back up to make up for it if he needed to be off with the kids?

It sounds like a great arrangement in that he has flexibility during the working weeks to work around kids/mother/whatever and you're off work completely during school holidays so can cover the childcare.

It sounds to me like you need to carve out some down time for yourself, like he's doing with his flexi, there's nothing to be gained by being a martyr.. and threatening to hold back the portion of the money 'you've' earned because you're jealous of the freedom his job affords is petty beyond belief.

You need to sit down and figure out what the real issue is here, because I don't think for one minute it's what it is in your OP.

Original poster

ByzantineEmpress · 19/09/2023 22:32

sandyhappypeople · 19/09/2023 20:21

So his flexitime does benefit you as a family when the kids need something during your working hours surely?

Why would he have to eat into his Christmas time, that's the whole point of flexi time, in that you can work over and under as required, surely he'd just build his flexi back up to make up for it if he needed to be off with the kids?

It sounds like a great arrangement in that he has flexibility during the working weeks to work around kids/mother/whatever and you're off work completely during school holidays so can cover the childcare.

It sounds to me like you need to carve out some down time for yourself, like he's doing with his flexi, there's nothing to be gained by being a martyr.. and threatening to hold back the portion of the money 'you've' earned because you're jealous of the freedom his job affords is petty beyond belief.

You need to sit down and figure out what the real issue is here, because I don't think for one minute it's what it is in your OP.

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Thanks for your thoughts. Yes that was the idea originally that I’d do the holidays he’d do term but that isn’t how he has used the flexi time ever as things stand. He is only allowed to take a full days flexi a month and he has allocated the next two months worth to this purpose. Any additional time will come from AL. I’m not sure what you mean about some other issue.

OP posts:

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 19/09/2023 22:43

OP, can you explain how his flexi time works because I've only ever worked in places where you either effectively build up lieu time to take when you want, or do 'overtime' to pay back the hours you already took off. No limits or restrictions other than being at meetings where you need to be.

I know lots of places are different - I've never worked anywhere with core hours, for instance, but I know they're a thing - He seems to have a limit on how much total flexitime he's allowed to make in a week? A month? And that's what is causing the issue?

2jacqi · 19/09/2023 22:44

I dont know why he needs two days off for his mother's respite??? Is he the only child - no siblings to share the load? why cant mother get transport provided like most respite places??? he certainly does not need two whole days off!

Original poster

ByzantineEmpress · 20/09/2023 07:19

Thanks all we had a proper chat last night your input was helpful on both sides. I had tried raising that I had an issue with what he was doing a few times but he wasn’t acknowledging it. He did when we spoke last night. He can be difficult to get through to because he has a tendency to shut down conversations he doesn’t want to have. Thanks again.

OP posts:

MidnightOnceMore · 20/09/2023 07:23

Would I be a complete asshole to take the money I earn in excess of what he earns and start keeping it for myself?

You need a proper conversation, rather than doing something unilateral like this.