To be unsure what’s normal for a 3 year old?

[Defrosting]

Hello,

Please don’t attack me, I’m asking here for more responses. I have never interacted with a child until my own, not properly. I had no younger siblings, no cousins and no nieces or nephews. I had no close friends with young kids so my DC is my first experience of a child and there is so much stuff out there I don’t know what’s normal or not. I have ADHD too so I’m a bit paranoid about signs in my son.

He’s three and he’s just…difficult. He’s a lovely kid but he cannot share, he gets very angry and tries to lash out as a first response to anything. For example, if someone tries to play with one of his toys and he doesn’t like it his first response is to hit or kick them. I’ve been over this with him so many times, removed him from the situation, given him consequences and followed them through. It’s been going on for a year, I would have thought this would have changed by now? He cannot play alone, not even for 5 minutes. He has to be with me constantly (or the childminders if he is with her, he goes two short days a week currently but I’m increasing this soon). He follows me round and cannot just go and get a toy out from his cabinet and play. I reduced all his toys to make it clearer and simpler and he still doesn’t touch them. He just want to watch tv, listen to music or have me read to him. We do activities like swimming, woodland club and playground but he’s the same all the time. I invited another child over to play who he knows well and he just followed me around and occasionally hit whatever the other child was playing with out of his hand.

I feel really frustrated as I see lots of other children seem to be more socially developed? He is, however, very smart for his age. He can count, recognise and write some letters, draw faces, speak a little of a foreign language. I feel like it’s gearing up for him to ADHD like me but I don’t want that - I don’t want him to have the difficulties I had. I’ve spoken to other people who seem to think all is well but I’m just not sure. He’s very boisterous and whenever we go to a class or something, all the other children will sit in a circle to listen to instructions and he will be up messing around, every single time.

Is this normal for his age? (Just turned three). If so, did anything help?

Sorry, not sure what the voting is for

Bump, anyone?

My son was like this at 3.
He’s a very ‘normal’ 7 year old now. Not violent in the slightest, in fact he’s a real softy and has good social skills and lots of friends.
For my son his ‘outbursts’ and inability to share started to improve once he started nursery.

It's so hard as parents to know. But welcome to parenthood. My oldest is 9 and I still keep checking with teachers if she's OK.
I think I would speak to his childminder first she has tonnes of experience. She if she thinks all is fine or has advice for you.

Three is a tricky age and I think terrible twos turn into terrible 3s to be honest.

I suppose my attitude to parenting is to expect them to mess up, need guiding in the right direction and just be children. My job is to help them by explaining and gentle consequences. I found this made my stress level lower.

Some of it sounds normal, no 3YO is great at sharing but I wouldn’t expect hitting and kicking at that age. A lot of kids might try it once or twice at nursery as younger toddlers but then quickly figure ok it’s not allowed. Just wondering how much interaction he has with his peers? 2 half days with a childminder isn’t much, are there other mindees his age there? Then swimming isn’t social, playgrounds it’s always different kids each time and interaction can be limited, IDK about woodland club and obviously you do occasional playdates but I would have thought most 3YOs are doing the funded 30 hours a week at nursery. So maybe that’s an explanation? But I don’t think it sounds massively shocking or anything, most 3YOs can be tricky!

as you know , if a parent is neurodiverse a child is more likely to be...however it could be separation anxiety so you might want to look into techniques for improving that. ADHD & autistic kids can present as younger than their peers. does he have an involved Dad? the fathers role is often important in helping them develop language skills and in extending boundaries, ie. moving away from the stage where mum means everything...perhaps he needs more of this? playing with peers is something that comes with age (3-4 onwards)and at 2-3 they are more likely to do parallel play.

My DS was a bit like this, he's now a really kind and helpful 13yo. For hitting and kicking, I found that the only thing which worked was to give him one warning and then take him straight home - even if we'd only just arrived or had paid to enter. Also, some activities were worse than others, eg he was often badly behaved at soft play but I found a toddler music class that he loved and he never hit anyone there. The bit about not being able to play alone sounds pretty normal too. Hang in there OP, it will get easier.

Except for the not being interested in toys I’d say he sounds very similar to both of mine at that age.

I remember going to baby / toddler classes and they’d be the only ones running round causing chaos. They love being outside and they love doing things with me and would follow me around hanging off of me.

They did both however enjoy toys but it wasn’t like they’d play all day long, I’d maybe get half an hour with them in the playroom doing their own thing but after a while they’d want me to do stuff with them.

sounds quite typical as per my experience but it’s still really early, he’s still so young.

My 3 YO (turned 3 v recently) is similar with the not sharing and hitting other children sometimes/ often. He can play nicely with other children maybe 30% of the time. More often in other locations (not good at our house as all the toys are his).

he can play on his own for 15-25 mins each day

Has your childminder done a 2 year review? Did it show any areas of concern?

My DS was 2 years 9 months exactly a few days ago and I had the monthly email from Start4Life I signed up for and there was a whole section on toddler aggression. It is single-handedly the most challenging thing I find about parenting; I hate it. But it IS normal. My DS is much better than he was but I still can’t guarantee he won’t hit another child when tired or if someone tries to grab something he really wants. So while I know he’s a little bit older it is a normal, albeit unpleasant part of toddler development.

I wouldn’t worry too much, I don’t think you’ve described anything terribly abnormal and it’s sounds like your a lovely mum trying to give her son a full and stimulating childhood! I suspect behaviours will improve as he gets older and is exposed to more children and has a little more time away from you. Hang in there, it’s sounds like you are doing a great job :)

Yes and no nothing. I have mentioned my own ADHD and highlighted concerns but they don’t think there is anything out of the ordinary. But then he is very good at being perfectly behaved around everyone else but me…

Thank you to everyone for your responses. It’s reassuring that this all sounds mostly normal, I guess I just need to keep going and keep an eye on things?

yes think so :)