At what stage do you talk to the parent?

[Pixie4192]

If your child is having issues with a child and the school aren’t doing anything? Usually like to keep it with teachers as I don’t like drama or speaking to parents directly.

basically dd 8 is having issues with a ‘friend’ lets call her Jess. For years they were close friends butJess never let dd play with anyone else, Jess was often a bit bossy and over powering but Dd was happy being her friend, now Jess is excluding dd from a friendship group that dd was part of and tells DD to play on her own - it’s a small school so a small amount of girls in the class. DD comes home upset as she is on her own during break and lunch. Jess also likes to made decisions for DD! DD can be a bit of a pushover - but we are working on building her confidence to speak up for herself.

there’s a whole list of things that Jess has said or done to DD, Jess makes nasty passive comments about DD in and out of school (Jess also lives over the road)! I can’t list them all as this post would get very long.

DD has a minor physical disability and it means she’s slower on her feet. Jess will often take DD’s belongings and run away with them knowing Dd can’t catch up and then chucks it somewhere Dd can’t reach. She knows this upsets dd as dd is very sentimental of her belongings!

she tells Dd she can’t read properly as Jess is a few levels higher (Dd does struggle with reading), dd was late to ride a bike and Jess likes to remind Dd of this, about DD’s size, she’s tall and broad like me and Jess is very petite. She’s also come to the house before and took DD’s belongings - I had to intervene here. It’s not all school issues but a lot of it is.

I know the mum. She seems to be the type where her kids can’t do wrong and doesn’t see what her daughter can be like!

I tell dd to play with her other friends, she seems to get on with most of the kids, but Jess seems to stop dd playing with them. Dd has gone from a very confident child to a child who is emotional and anxious at times because of this. Dd is such a kind soul, she’s recently won a county wide award for kindness and attitude to learning and always helping others in need!

I’d go back to the school first - the proverbial squeaky wheel. They should be dealing with the issues in school and I’d be on their back constantly until they came up with a plan that worked.

Outside of school I’d keep my daughter away from Jess - there’s nothing to be gained by going to the parent, her daughter doesn’t need to be friends with yours and there’s benefit in your daughter learning she doesn’t need to be friendly or kind to someone who is mean to her.

What a brat! I’d arrange an appointment with school and be very assertive in telling them about all the behaviour.

Out of school I wouldn’t let Jess anywhere near DD,l and try and organise pot with other girls 1:1. Your poor DD.

*play

I think there comes a point at which you have to be a lot pushier with school. I'd be asking for an actual meeting with the school - ie not a quick chat in the playground - and I'd be itemising ALL of the things you've said here and asking the school what they are going to do to protect DD.

Thank you, I don’t want to speak to the parent, hate that kind of thing.. however, 3 emails have been ignored by the school! I’ll try the school again!

it wouldn’t be so bad if Jess wasn’t stopping the other girls playing with her!

Jess also plays on dd’s fears, telling her that there’s snakes in the local park! I’ve reassured dd there is not, but dd is so literal!!

a while ago they were out playing and Jess told dd she was going in and dd could go home then I heard Jess tell another child that she wasn’t really going in…

If you’re unhappy with how the school are handling it then you go back to them and get pushy. Nothing good ever comes from confronting other parents, even in a polite way.

She seems to be the type where her kids can’t do wrong and doesn’t see what her daughter can be like!

So, no use and likely to be defensive and hostile. Funny how often these are the people who raise unpleasant children eh?

Keep at the school. The running away with DD's stuff bit is particularly cruel and needs addressing.
Invite other kids round, and think about a club separate from school for DD perhaps.

I wouldn't speak to the parents. This is a school issue and they should be doing more.

Instead of emailing, request a meeting with the head or key stage leader to discuss the ongoing bullying of your daughter. Take a factual list of events with you and express concerns that your child is no longer feeling safe in school because of these events. Make sure you remind school that your child has a physical disability, and Jess' actions such as taking belongings and running away and/or putting them out of reach appear to be done in the knowledge your daughter will struggle.
I'd make reference to the unsatisfactory response so far and, depending on how bold you want to be, would ask them to explain how they plan to safeguard your disabled daughter in school.

Then take notes in the meeting and follow up with what was agreed in an email so you have a paper trail.

YABU to want to talk to the parents, that never goes well. It is far more likely to make things worse.

Go back to the school and get noisier about it.

At no stage. No stage whatsoever where you go wading into another parent.

ive not read all the previous comments but what I will say is , why do you think the school haven’t taken any action?

id say there is a fair chance that you’ve only heard one side of the story and these are 8 years olds. Perhaps all sides are actually at fault?

All you should focus on is making your child as resilient and supported as they can be. You wouldn’t be helping at all to start trying to solve everything in your kids life.

don’t be one of THOSE parents.

Emails are pointless. They're a good first step and show that you're not going nuclear from the start, but now you need to get serious.

Request a formal meeting.

I agree, it’s so awkward when this kind of thing happens. Even worse if it’s your friends child and friendship issues from home spill into school.

I dislike bullies. Or this kind of relational aggression which is so typical of girls. I personally have no issue talking to a parent about their child’s behaviour and making it clear that said child will not be invited over if the behaviour continues. That alongside speaking to the school should do it. It’s awkward but necessary.

I wouldn't have emailed twice more after the first email was ignored!
You need to let the school know that you won't let this go.
Call them or go in. Don't deal with the parents.

Thanks all. I’ll get back to the school, they discourage chatting at pick ups unless urgent and to email instead but I’ll request a formal chat!

I did not want to speak to parent. I’m just at wits end. I’m sure if the tables were turned she’d be knocking on my door straight away though! I’ve found her a complicated person!

going off topic buf the mum was very pushy for ds’s and Jess friendship in the first place whereas I always told DD not to just have one best friend, but to have a few! I am glad they are growing apart somewhat but not good when Jess is now letting dd play with the others!

dd isn’t an angel but I’m pretty sure it’s very one sided in this case.

I echo this. We recently had an issue in our neighbourhood with a younger boy who was throwing stuff and hitting DS. DH went to speak to the parents who apparently were fine and got their child to apologise. However since then, both me and DH have been continually ghosted! The parents will cross the road to avoid us. We can only think that it's due to the fact they were actually pissed off with DH for saying something and are under the impression their child is perfect. So beware talking to parents!

Don't go to the other parent.

Go on to the school website and read their Anti-Bullying Policy and their Complaints and Concerns Policy.

The latter will tell you the correct way of raising your concern and how to escalate if it isn't resolved satisfactory. Reference thé school's bullying policy in your communication.

Keep going until the school take seriously. Your poor DD shouldn't have to put up with this sort of treatment. Hope you get it sorted.

Yeah, this.

Push, push, push with the school. Your daughter is being bullied, and it needs to be stamped out. For the sake of all the other kids in the school, they need to take bullying seriously, and you need to put your foot down if they're not doing that.

' DD has a minor physical disability and it means she’s slower on her feet. Jess will often take DD’s belongings and run away with them knowing Dd can’t catch up and then chucks it somewhere Dd can’t reach. She knows this upsets dd as dd is very sentimental of her belongings!'
This is so unacceptable.
The playing on her fears is also absolutely terrible.

I would go to the school again first, don’t just email if they’d re being ignored. Can you grab the teacher at pick up and have a word in private? They can’t ignore a face to face conversation. I would especially mention the teasing/taking DDs belongings, this is bullying!

If you are keen for them to maintain a friendship, our school offers “friendship counselling” when things are particularly bad between certain children.. where the kids meet with the head/pastoral head and make a bit of a plan going forward. A bit like couples counselling! Maybe there is something similar the teacher could arrange?

rather than actively discouraging the friendship with Jess, I would just make a big deal out of other friendships.
like she’s not even worth anyone’s headspace. and it doesn’t teach DD that it’s ok to be nasty back (just my opinion I know not everyone will agree) I know this is easier said than done.

Arrange play dates with other children so your DD gets lots of 1:1 time with other friends and hopefully they can form some really solid friendships, making it harder for “Jess” to break them up?

I would definitely not let them spend time together outside of school if at all avoidable (obviously parties and things make it difficult because you don’t want DD to miss out but it’s not 1:1 time between the two of them)

I really hope things get better hope your DD and good for you not going straight in with something like having a go at the other mum 💚

Definitely push it with the school and check for their anti bullying policy to quote it to them? I had a situation with my DS at primary and the teachers kept fobbing it off - "I think they are just playing together... DS just needs to stick up for himself... etc". In the end I just cornered the head in the playground one morning and he dealt with it all. You should be able to speak to the head or ring them? I'd also bring up the fact that Jess is using your DDs disability to bully her.

Get your daughter involved in lots of out of school activities like Brownies, or drama clubs etc. something to build her confidence and open up new friendships

agree with @ManchesterLu etc… no one wants to be the pushy mum but sometimes that’s the only way you get heard. You need to be pushy for the sake of your DD

I sympathise OP, currently experiencing a similar situation with my DD, could’ve written your post, especially the part about not being allowed other friends!

I too have had some amount of stress trying to rectify the situation, so has my poor DD.

Things got worse for us when the ex friend (complete bully imo) surrounded my DD with a bunch of her friends/sister and challenged her to “fight”. Ex friend then pushed DD about and ridiculed her in front of everyone 🙁

After this, I pulled my daughter from School and emailed them a lengthy explanation, including stating that my daughter wouldn’t be back on their school grounds until they properly dealt with the unacceptable behaviour of the kids who were involved. The school then took it very serious and made proper changes in aid to fix the situation. My DD seems more settled and her confidence is creeping back in thankfully.

Putting my foot down with the School and holding firm in it seemed to to the trick for us for just now, but I am wary it won’t be resolved quite as easy as that. I have tried my best to coach DD on how to handle these type of situations, and will continue to. But there was a stage where I was ready to move her School’s over it.

Sending hugs, hope the situation gets resolved for your DD 🤗

shes abusing your dd throwing her stuff making fun of her-she has a disabilty for crying out loud-go in to the school and ask for a formal meeting

Speak to the class teacher today and don’t leave without having a chat. This is serious and needs dealt with asap. The other girl is a nasty bully and needs to know she’s been watched and that her bullying behaviour will be dealt with. Do not let your daughter play with her outside school, invite other children to yours to play. If necessary have a quiet word with the other child and make sure she knows you know exactly what she’s like and exactly what she’s doing. Kid get away with stuff because no one calls them out on it.

My son’s best friend started bullying him in p7. I know it was jealousy over the AQE test and the fact my son was doing so much better than him. My son had a tough year. Then the wee shit organised a sleep over on my son’s birthday making their group of friends choose sides. I called the mum out on it and she’s ignored me ever since.