To be frustrated with my husband about his weight

[sameoldsameoldd]

My husband and I have been together for about 10 years now and have 2 kids. During this time he has always been self conscious regarding his weight, and previously was quite committed to staying fit and active.
Over the last few years he has given up with that completely and has put on quite a lot of weight. This upsets him and makes him more self conscious but nothing ever changes. He went to a friend's birthday party a few weeks ago and he was mortified at all the photos as he felt so overweight. Yesterday he went to Sainsbury's, and spent about £40. Not one vaguely healthy item was bought. Everything was either Rustler's burgers, chocolates, ice creams or crisps. I asked why he didn't get a healthier shop if he wants to lose weight and he said he just wanted a treat. Last week he was upset that he feels fat compared to his friends, the next thing he did was buy a McDonald's.
This is honestly driving me mad. He is stuck in this cycle of moaning about his weight then comfort eating, then repeating. I try to be supportive and I never comment on his weight but I am worried about his health and quite honestly getting pissed off. It's frustrating to not be able to do certain activities with the kids because he won't take his coat off.
I try to encourage exercise and even said I'm happy to do more with the kids if he wants to start exercising again and he just doesn't want to. I probably sound like an evil bitch but it's so frustrating.

He has to be ready to make the xhnahe, u can't make him until then. He needs to figure out why he keeps reaching for bad food, I used to comfort eat and a counsellor pointed out i was doing cos that's how I was rewarding myself with food.

Maybe he should try speaking to someone to figure out his reasons.

I would encourage him very, very strongly to see a therapist because his weight is quickly going to spiral out of control. He is quite clearly "eating his feelings." He needs help, but he has to be the one to get it. If he refuses, your marriage is in serious jeopardy, and I'm sure you realise this.

Can you tell him you are worried about his health as greater risk of heart attacks etc. Point out he has young DC who need him to be the best he can be. My BiL died at 41 of a massive heart attack at work and he was on his own when it happened and nobody found him until it was too late an hour later. He put on quite a bit of weight over the last 2 years of his life because he owned the small building company and he was worried he'd have to make one of the people who worked for him redundant. These were his old school friends who had worked for him for 20 years and had a mortgage and kids. He ate because of stress. It killed him. He was 17 stone.

I have tried to encourage this in the past but he just shuts down. He isn't ready to change I don't think, but I am at my wits end with it.

He is comfort eating.

Maybe he would be more responsive to hypnotherapy for binge eating. It does t take long. Gives an opportunity to think about why you binge eat. When I did it I mentally added and alcohol to the words binge eating as I was more a drinker than binge eater. Worked well. I only drink outside the house now. And I'm slowly losing weight.

I have tried to bring it up again this morning and he doesn't want to know. He says the only way he could improve his health is if he had more time, I tried to offer other ideas etc but it's just not going anywhere. He just shuts down and makes excuses.
It is definitely having an effect on our relationship but what can I do. He isn't willing to try.

I tried that angle this morning and he was just defensive and shut down. I actually got a bit tearful with him as I don't think he is taking it seriously enough.

As a fat person, you're going to have better luck talking about the habits than the weight. You can't 'just lose weight' even if you know you should because it's not instant is it. It's a long process. You're still fat even when you've started doing something about it and thinking about that makes you hate yourself, and hating yourself is not the way to take action to improve things.

You can however plan meals together, plan activities together, and talk about how life can be more active and fun as well as healthier. It can be a positive thing rather than a remedial one. I've always had most success when I've thought of it that way.

Would he attend an overeaters anonymous online?

it’s tricky like any and habit or addiction the sufferer needs to get help for themselves.

Pehaps he feels overwhelmed by the scale of change or doesnt know where to start?

Maybe change one thing at a time eg switching from regular cola to diet cola. Do that for a week before introducing another healthy swap change and so on?

Everyone needs an incentive, so he needs something to aim for eg a wedding or holiday that he wants to look good for.

As a person with near-lifelong obesity, there is nothing new I need to know about dieting, healthy eating, mindset, exercise, risks of obesity etc. Telling me all about them all over again is pointless. I have gained and lost six/seven stones multiple times using multiple methods. Would he be open to something framed as a "technical" solution? Saxenda and Wegovy are game changers for obesity. They remove the appetite and create a feeling of satiety which is a revelation to an over-eater. Yes, they are a gateway to healthier eating in the medium term, but they are much less demanding of so-called "willpower".

He is shutting down cos he is aware and he knows. I've been there done it myself.

I agree with others focusing on changing habits, one thing st s time. I started off with no more soda drinks, no coke etc. It was easy to just stop doing one thing.

He says time, im sure u have looked at this but maybe even gentle exercise like family going a walk together etc.

Can u both go the gym or a class together or even hire a trainer to train u both at the same time.

No point nagging him - men are stubborn. I had this issue with my husband for years. Book him in for a 360 health screening - he needs a wake up call from someone who is not you.

This is such a common problem of people who are overweight.

They have a low mood so comfort eat or self harm by eating junk, this makes them put on weight and makes their mood even lower, so they comfort eat/self harm and the cycle just continues.

I like @VestPantsandSocks suggestion that he just seems overwhelmed and it would be a good idea to encourage small swaps, instead of massive changes.

The bigger the change, the less he’ll stick to it and it won’t work (which is going to put him in a low mood again).

I would eat similar foods as he does know but just try and make lower calorie alternatives - zero coke, chicken breasts instead of thigh, extra mature cheese but less of it etc.

Is it possible that you can do all of the food shopping?

Chances are he’s restricting what he eats and then going mad when he gets to the shop because he’s hungry.

Ask him what treats he wants from the shop and then do the normal food shop.
If he doesn’t see all of the other stuff then he won’t want it.
I decide what treats I’m going to have before I go to the shop and try not to look at anything else.

Unfortunately though this has to be him doing it and there’s only so much you can do.

whatever motivations he had for keeping fit and healthy in the past, don’t exist anymore.
that’s why he’s struggling to look after himself now.
He needs to create new motivations that align with who he is as a person now, not his past self.

he is having issues with depression and low self esteem, hence why he is emotional eating, these unhealthy foods are giving him dopamine highs
that he is lacking
its a vicious cycle but cutting out junk food and sugar will be a good first step to break the cycle, food acts the same way as drugs to our brains

he should make a GP appointment to help with the depression maybe they can give him something to help him out of the deep end,

Some people are not motivated by simple common sense,
They don’t say to themselves, I need to eat healthy food because it’s good for my body or I need to exercise so that I can be a healthy weight and live longer

So someone else’s motivation could be, I need to be a healthy weight because I am a model and that’s how I make money or I need to eat healthy food because all of my social group eat healthy and I don’t want them to think I am different.

some other examples that I’ve seen in real life,

.People that only maintain their hygiene when they have a job, or an active social life because they are around lots of people,
they want to be clean and not smell
So if they lose their job, and they lose their friends, in their mind, what motivation do they have to maintain their hygiene?
they don’t, so they stop doing it.

They already had incorrect associations of why they should maintain their own hygiene,
their motivation shouldn’t have anything to do with external factors.
So they need to learn to practice internal validation instead of external.

another example
A single man who is very into fitness and keeping well groomed, his motivation is that he wants to be attractive to the opposite sex
but what happens when he gets married and settles down?

He might lose motivation because he’s comfortable in his marriage and he ends up letting himself go and becomes overweight or a slob
then it leads to depression, because he wants to go back to how he was before
but he can’t
because what motivated him in the past doesn’t motivate him now.

So he needs to find a motivation that drives him and is self serving, create a routine and build a habit
cutting out junk food is hard but once he abstains from it for a few months, he will not crave it so much