AIBU to think that we’ve all suffered abuse in our lives

AngeloMysterioso · 18/09/2023 23:04

I don't think I know any woman who hasn't experienced some form of unwanted sexual contact/sexual assault at some point. It's happened to me more times than I can count.

This in no way diminishes the severity of the crimes though. Just because it's common doesn't mean it's ok or that we should just put up and shut up because it's part and parcel of being female.

toadasoda · 19/09/2023 00:14

I'm happy to say I haven't and I would count myself lucky. Although i did work in a very male dominated job where they treated me like crap, that to me was sexism rather than abuse or misogyny. I have had many unwanted advances especially in my younger years just drunken stuff but thankfully never a moment when I felt threatened or when the man didn't leave me alone when I said no.

I'm sorry about your experiences OP

Mamai90 · 19/09/2023 00:24

Yes, as a teenager I was raped several times and assaulted many more times.

I'm not traumatised by it because I didn't even realise it was rape at the time, only now as an adult I can see that it was rape. Once i actually said to the guy after repeating 'no' several times 'You're raping me' and only then did he stop.

Age 16 my best friend and I were drugged and raped by two men, I honestly thought we'd just got too drunk and we were embarrassed by it. My friend actually lost her virginity that night.

Basically every time I drank a man assaulted me in some way as a teenager, it was normalised because it happened to all my friends, half the time I was under the age of consent.

Aged 14 I lost my virginity to a 20 year old man who I was infatuated with, again, I didn't see this as assault until recent years.

Raising daughters makes me see all of this with new eyes and it's pretty fucking disturbing but sadly it's the experience of most of my friends as well.

Screamingabdabz · 19/09/2023 00:32

I’m also lucky - I had a gentleman for a father and the men in my family were lovely and kind. I shied away from men in my youth because I just wasn’t used to dominant, arrogant, entitled male energy and I still can’t tolerate it even though my DH and son are both quite alpha. They respect and value women though, that’s the difference.

Men are hormonally driven by testosterone and I think that leads to the lack of empathy and objectifying women. Many of them selfishly use their power and strength to cross a line which hurts women in a way I don’t really think most of them (even the ‘nice’ ones) have an understanding of. I do think there needs to be greater education of boys and young men about abuse of privilege and more social stigmatisation of sexist behaviour.

greenhydrangea · 19/09/2023 01:21

I admire our new generation of men that have been brought up by strong mums to be strong men,but in the right way.

I hear many of these newer generations of men/boys expect anal and choking. Pre-teen girls are expected to give BJs. It sounds awful, in a different way to the unfettered sexual molestation and abuse many of us were subjected to.

ChopSuey2 · 19/09/2023 02:31

I saw a psychiatrist and as part of the initial assessment she asked about trauma. I listed off the "serious" stuff and added "and then the normal mild sexual assaults women experience". She kind of laughed in a knowing way. It was a respectful 'I know exactly what you mean'. I don't know anyone who hasn't experienced some sort of unwanted sexual experience but I don't think all of those are necessarily traumatic or abuse (but obviously not ok).

Caro678 · 19/09/2023 02:49

I was born in the 80s. I’ve had so many different assaults by so many different men and in different circumstances and contexts that it’s difficult to imagine how any woman could not have suffered something. I really hope things are different now. I do think it helps that these famous men are finally being brought to account. It might make some would-be predators think twice in the future. And hopefully it shows that culture is changing.

usedtobeasizeten · 19/09/2023 05:51

Happily…not me either.

AceofPentacles · 19/09/2023 06:13

I agree. Funnily enough I was even sexually harassed by a reporter from the paper which did the expose, at a staff Christmas party. Another one wrote in my leaving card "what are we going to look at in the newsroom now?" I was 21

I also worked in the music industry which was just rife with it. I feel sad for my younger self.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/09/2023 06:18

It's everywhere. And the more depressing thing for me is trying to bring DD up to know what it is, recognise it, be strong and empowered to deal with it but also not make her scared or hate men. That's a wafer-thin line. One I haven't managed.

The LOL upthread that the new generation of men is different. No, porn-soaked preteens are a thing now. Witnessing sexual violence on their smart phones. It's getting worse, not better.

asosStalker · 19/09/2023 06:36

I’ve been grabbed, groped, coerced, taken advantage of, pressured, assaulted… and the awful thing is, I’m not even traumatised by it. It all just seems par for the course.

I remember an older boy (I was 15, he was 16/17) intimately touching me on a camping trip and just pretending to be asleep and hoping he’d stop. I was too embarrassed to be like ‘what the fuck are you doing?’ because there were other people in the room. There’s hundreds of instances like that from my youth tbh.

When I think about the situations I got into in my teens and early 20s, I’m honestly amazed that something really terrible didn’t happen to me.

LightSpeeds · 19/09/2023 09:07

"I admire our new generation of men that have been brought up by strong mums to be strong men,but in the right way."

What world are you living in? Most men and boys are watching porn (much of it violent) and this forms the basis of their relationship with females. No respect, expecting sex entirely on their terms, and as a PP said, choking, slapping and being spat on is standard for girls these days.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 19/09/2023 09:37

I’ve been grabbed, groped, coerced, taken advantage of, pressured, assaulted… and the awful thing is, I’m not even traumatised by it. It all just seems par for the course.
Same here, its terrible isn't it.

Mountainpika · 19/09/2023 09:38

76 and never had any problems with anyone. Always been treated with respect when working and socially.

ThePickledPickle · 19/09/2023 09:47

I would argue young men today are far worse than what I experienced even just a decade ago as a teen. And I was raped several times as a teen, so a pretty bad experience. But it does seem to be worse in a different sort of way. And it’s happening younger.

Sure, there are boys raised by strong women whose highest priority is to make them a decent man. The nicest man I’ve ever met was actually raised by a single mum, lived in poverty and had an abusive dad was an abusive ass who paid no maintenance and gave up on occasional visits by time he was a teen. He always wanted to be nothing like his dad. But honestly, I think there’s few decent men raised by strong mums. I’m assuming you’re talking about single mums raising strong boys as the dads aren’t mentioned? I know plenty of assholes raised by single mums too! Used to live next door to a teen who hit his mum and would swear at her so loud we could hear. No guarantee they’ll be a good-un because they’ve seen their mum struggle, and certainly not enough to qualify as a whole generation.
Where are the fathers on the planet you’re living on?

minipie · 19/09/2023 09:54

I was about to reply that I very luckily haven’t had anything like this.

And then I delved back and remembered the guy wanking next to me on the bus, the neighbourhood flasher, the “friend” at college who got handsy when we had to share a bed on a trip away. Plus all the leery drunk men on the night bus/last tube. Nothing major compared with many. But christ, what does it say that I dismiss these as nothing major?

H34th · 19/09/2023 10:14

minipie · 19/09/2023 09:54

I was about to reply that I very luckily haven’t had anything like this.

And then I delved back and remembered the guy wanking next to me on the bus, the neighbourhood flasher, the “friend” at college who got handsy when we had to share a bed on a trip away. Plus all the leery drunk men on the night bus/last tube. Nothing major compared with many. But christ, what does it say that I dismiss these as nothing major?

Very similar here. I was never part it the club scene and had a pretty boring youth.
But I even had been forced a kiss on the lips by a middle aged landlord; had the man on the tube exposing himself; the mate who got handsy on a holiday stay...

Bideshi · 19/09/2023 10:23

75,and I wouldn't know where to start. It was actually so part of the fabric of life that you just shrugged and carried on. A couple of times I was just thankful to have survived, though. Tutors on one-to-on supervisions (Cambridge 1960s)were pretty much par for the course. Twice it was doctors (30 years apart, though). We looked after each other because we had to but life could be dicey.

TTNBCAATTH · 19/09/2023 10:25

Yes.
I’ve had multiple assaults by men. I have a DD now and in some ways I feel very guilty having her because I know her future is likely to contain mistreatment by men. I know not all men are like it, but I think the vast majority are.

Chiaseedling · 19/09/2023 10:33

All women have probably been sexually assaulted in some way, but there are obviously degrees of assault from an unwanted grope or touch at a club, to full-on rape at knifepoint.
I was assaulted about age 14, luckily it didn’t escalate past kissing (from him) but I was pushed into bushes and he must’ve heard footsteps and ran off. I was a minute from my house. Was by a schoolboy (not my school). I didn’t tell anyone at the time, apart from my best friend a year or so later. Only told dh a few years ago. Most of my friends don’t know.
i do think about the time I had sex w someone who was very insistent - not sure if I’d class it as rape, but it wasn’t ‘normal’ either. Def regret it if nothing else. Got the MAP after.
There were flashers and tube gropers etc that we laughed off really.

Toddlerteaplease · 19/09/2023 10:37

I haven't and I only know one person who has.

CwmYoy · 19/09/2023 10:38

Not as an adult but 3 times by 3 different men at the age of 12/13.

All were family friends. The first one I slapped and said I'd tell his wife if he came near me again. I said nothing at the time because we rarely saw them. I did mention it to my mother years later and she was very cross but he was dead by then.

The second I bit as he tried to grab my breast and hung on until my dad came into the room and dealt with him. He was a teacher and Dad spoke to the head.

The third was my friend's older brother but I put that down as a clumsy pass and he realised he'd overstepped and we are still friends.

I cannot say I was traumatised by them. I just got on with life but I don't underestimate the trauma felt by others.

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/09/2023 10:43

And then I delved back and remembered the guy wanking next to me on the bus, the neighbourhood flasher, the “friend” at college who got handsy when we had to share a bed on a trip away. Plus all the leery drunk men on the night bus/last tube. Nothing major compared with many. But christ, what does it say that I dismiss these as nothing major?

75,and I wouldn't know where to start. It was actually so part of the fabric of life that you just shrugged and carried on

Yes, that was it, part of the fabric of life. The hair-stroker, the senior manager we were all told to avoid being alone in a lift with, DH being told to ensure his female assistant was never alone with a particular academic visitor, DF describing how HR would only assign elderly battleaxes as secretary to one colleague, never young women, as if this solved the problem.

Mainly, it was the woman’s problem, for her to resolve. You’d be laughed at if you “raised a grievance”.

It seems to me that workplace harassment may be less of a problem, in that complaints are now taken seriously. General misogyny may be less - women are accepted in responsible positions, deemed capable f giving reliable advice - but the rise of extreme misogyny scares me

omgsally · 19/09/2023 10:49

I also consider myself lucky to have got by so far relatively unscathed but then when I actually go through everything that's happened to me, it makes for very depressing reading. Commented on by a relative age 10, assaulted by my private music teacher aged 12, assaulted by my then boyfriends father on Christmas day age 17, propositioned by the father when I was babysitting age 14, assaulted by 2 male relatives age about 10, as a senior manager in a global company asked to attend a meeting cos they needed a lapdancer, asked by my male boss at the same company what i called my vagina and much, much more that I've forgotten.