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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Hubbys birthday

24 replies

MarleneH · 18/09/2023 22:08

Good evening lovelies

AIBU?
Hubby 40th next week. His parents have booked a surprise and hired a cottage for us, our 3 kids.. lovely right? Dh doesn’t know yet, and won’t know until we get there. One problem, mum and father in law are coming, and sister in law and brother in law and his wife.

the issue is.. I really do not get on with mother and father in law. Like really don’t get on with them. They make my life difficult, undermine me as a mum (for example, I am strict ish with my kids consuming sweets, and if I tell them no, she will undermine me and give it to them behind my back and tell the children to keep it a secret.) They purposely make my life difficult and MIL was a cow to me during all 3 pregnancies. Father in law is an ex alcoholic with a horrible temper and a narcissist.

AIBU if I back out of this week away? It really is no good for my mental health and has been stressing me out for months. I can’t imagine anything worse than having to spend 5 days with them.

would it be unreasonable if I told DH I was unwell and sent him on his own?
I know it sounds harsh but the thought of being with MIL and FIL for 5 days is making me panic. Big time.

honest opinions and advice welcome

Marlie x

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 18/09/2023 22:21

In this situation I wouldn't go either.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 18/09/2023 22:22

And that sounds like a diplomatic way of avoiding it. Does he get on ok with them?

Merryoldgoat · 18/09/2023 22:22

Why have they done that? Did they check with you?

HateMyselfToo · 18/09/2023 22:27

Your DH will know you're lying.
Is it worth looking on trip advisor for things you can go off and do near the cottage to avoid spending time with them?
How far is it from where you live?

Original poster
MarleneH · 18/09/2023 22:29

4 hour drive I believe. Xx

OP posts:
NailyDale · 18/09/2023 22:29

God yes, feign illness and enjoy a lovely 5 days to yourself without having to deal with the fallout of actually admitting to everyone why you don't want to go. Winner. That's what I'd do. They sound horrible, and you do not owe anyone the emotional work of dealing with that. Do whatever is easiest, ruffles fewest feathers, and is best for you.

Original poster
MarleneH · 18/09/2023 22:31

I have an auto immune disease, so was thinking putting it down to not feeling my best.. awful I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarleneH · 18/09/2023 22:32

Thank you. Mother in law really is a horrible person, made me cry during every pregnancy so far including early PP days. She is just not someone I would choose to spend 5 days with.

OP posts:
hotcandle · 18/09/2023 22:36

I wouldn't go either.

Bow out with 'illness'. Who cares if your husband knows your lying? Unreasonable for anyone to expect you to spend time with people who are vile to you.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 18/09/2023 22:40

Can you go into a flare with your auto immune condition a few days beforehand?

Thementalloadisreal · 18/09/2023 22:40

Does your husband know how you feel? Does he enjoy spending time with his family even if you don’t?
I’d just tell him, sorry to spoil the surprise but this is the plan and I’m not up for it but you can go if you want.

Thementalloadisreal · 18/09/2023 22:41

And if he is supportive he’ll back up your lie of being unwell

MrsKathyFraser · 18/09/2023 22:47

I spent too many years saying yes to keep the peace and I don't do it (as much) now. Your MIL has had 3 of your pregnancies to build a relationship with you, and seems to have chosen not to. You don't need to go if you don't want to and hopefully your DH will understand.
Maybe this will actually help her focus on her behaviour in future.

WhyNotUsehis · 18/09/2023 22:48

If you back out, will it mean that your husband spends his 40th babysitting your three kids while you get five days to yourself 🙁?

Tbh (and I dont get on with my in-laws), I'd put up with it as a once off

allhellcantstopusnow · 18/09/2023 22:49

babysitting your three kids

They're also his children.

FionaChapman · 18/09/2023 23:25

“babysitting your three kids”

Parenting his own children

crumblylancs · 18/09/2023 23:28

This would probably be one of the only exceptions that I would make with spending time with them (I'd retract that if your relationship with your OH isn't a happy one)

Hummingbird89 · 18/09/2023 23:33

I may be in the minority, but I actually think they’re really overstepped by booking this without your say so. He’s a married man with a family! They must know you don’t get on with them-what were they thinking?! I would tell your husband now and explain you won’t be going but that he is free to go and enjoy a week with his family.
What does he think of the way his parents behave?

Screamingabdabz · 18/09/2023 23:38

No to lying. Just be honest. You’re all grown ups and you’re a mother of 3 - you can’t be ‘made’ to do something you don’t want to do. Just tell
your DH to enjoy himself but you won’t be there.

Lahdedahiam · 19/09/2023 03:05

WhyNotUsehis · 18/09/2023 22:48

If you back out, will it mean that your husband spends his 40th babysitting your three kids while you get five days to yourself 🙁?

Tbh (and I dont get on with my in-laws), I'd put up with it as a once off

Seriously?

Aprilx · 19/09/2023 04:04

I don’t really understand how it came about that his parents were in charge of birthday arrangements. Surely they asked if you were free and you had the opportunity to say no? If you agreed to this, I think backing out of your husbands 40th birthday is pretty poor.

Grumpy101 · 19/09/2023 04:08

I don't understand why they get to hijack his bday? You're his wife, you make the plan surely ?

Will DH understand if you talk to him? If not, then yes feign illness. Fuck them and him for putting you through that.

Goldflap · 19/09/2023 04:28

The sweet issue isn't really that unusual, I'm not justifying it but it's not the worst MIL story, what else have they done to you?
Will it be more stressful for your husband if you go and he's on pins waiting for someone to put a foot wrong or take offence, or would it make him happy to have you all together for him?

You need to weigh up these things and the sacrifice you are willing to make or not for him and his birthday but it sounds like you have already decided.

Playing devils advocate here and I suppose you can say who cares what they think but if I was your sister in law for example I might view this as you being the trouble causer , using a health condition to leave your husband and kids to it might not be considered as massively reasonable and just reaffirm their feelings about you.

HateMyselfToo · 19/09/2023 08:32

MarleneH · 18/09/2023 22:29

4 hour drive I believe. Xx

Oof, that's a shame, you can't even show willing and nip home for big chunks of the time.
If your DH would understand, I'd bow out, 5 days with people like that will be hell.

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