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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel gutted for my daughter?

25 replies

Carrie370 · 18/09/2023 20:36

Posted this on Further Education earlier, but hoping for more traffic here ...

Feeling helpless at the moment, and would love to hear others' experiences. My DD is an undergraduate at a Russell group uni. She's very bright, but following a haul of top grade GCSEs and two academic scholarships at school, she gradually started to fall off her perch academically.

During her second year at uni, (which coincided with Covid) and only just scraping through her exams, she was finally diagnosed with ADHD. She was permitted to repeat the second year, and since then, she has just about managed to keep a handle on her studies, until today. She has found out that she has failed the third year exam she took in August, having been sick (or so she said - I have my suspicions that she couldn't face it) back in the Spring.

She has been told that she will have to repeat the whole year, meaning six years at uni, or convert from an MSc to a BSc, - five years. She has a meeting with the faculty tutor tomorrow to discuss.

I am just devastated for her. She likens her ADHD as sitting in a car with all the controls at her disposal but no key to turn the engine on. Part of me wants to wrap her up and bring her home, but equally I want her to succeed (which I know is what she wants for herself). She has said that she hates the subject she has chosen, but having invested four years in her degree already, feels it is far too late to drop out.

I don't know how to advise her.

OP posts:

ConnieTucker · 18/09/2023 20:44

Advise her to complete the BSc. Better that and choose a different MSc later than nothing.

Riverlee · 18/09/2023 20:44

i presume she’s always had her adhd, but it’s just been diagnosed. Therefore she would have had it whist at school.

is she failing at uni because you’re not there to keep an eye on her studies. Could she work from home?

Or is there something else going on that’s making her not succeed?

Pregnantandsweaty · 18/09/2023 20:44

I don’t have any great advice but does the university know about the ADHD? they should have things in place to help her like extra time in exams etc.

woodyscowboyhat · 18/09/2023 20:47

She needs to speak to her advice centre as she might not be eligible for funding to repeat another year. Normally funding for undergraduate is three years plus a spare year so four in total then speedster funding for her msc.

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/09/2023 20:48

If she feels she doesn't want to waste what she has already done then I'd advise her to aim for the BSc. Does she have all the support she is entitled too?

LonginesPrime · 18/09/2023 20:49

Has she applied for Disabled Students Allowance (DSA) through student finance?

She should be entitled to ADHD support such as a study mentor to help her with study skills, anxiety, organisation, etc following an assessment of her needs.

Original poster

Carrie370 · 18/09/2023 20:50

ConnieTucker · 18/09/2023 20:44

Advise her to complete the BSc. Better that and choose a different MSc later than nothing.

Yes, that's what I'm thinking. If she's already disliking the subject, an extra year will just be an added burden.

OP posts:

Original poster

Carrie370 · 18/09/2023 20:53

Riverlee · 18/09/2023 20:44

i presume she’s always had her adhd, but it’s just been diagnosed. Therefore she would have had it whist at school.

is she failing at uni because you’re not there to keep an eye on her studies. Could she work from home?

Or is there something else going on that’s making her not succeed?

She always excelled at school while there was structure and supervision. When left to her own devices she just slid. AFAIK it is just the ADHD. She seems OK otherwise, and is very open with me, so I have no reason to assume she isn't

OP posts:

Overthebow · 18/09/2023 20:57

She should convert to the BSC. If she’s struggling this much at undergrad and failing years then she really shouldn’t put herself through the MSC.

Original poster

Carrie370 · 18/09/2023 20:57

The uni is aware of her diagnosis. I hope that her tutor will take this into consideration when deciding her future path. I didn't mention that her degree is joint honours, and she is doing fine in the philosophy. The physics is what she is finding so taxing.

OP posts:

Overthebow · 18/09/2023 20:58

Would the uni even let her do the msc year? I know when I did mine you had to get 2:1 to continue to the MSc.

Original poster

Carrie370 · 18/09/2023 21:00

LonginesPrime · 18/09/2023 20:49

Has she applied for Disabled Students Allowance (DSA) through student finance?

She should be entitled to ADHD support such as a study mentor to help her with study skills, anxiety, organisation, etc following an assessment of her needs.

Good point - I'm not sure how much support she is accessing. I will ask!

OP posts:

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/09/2023 21:00

Can she change to single honours?

Original poster

Carrie370 · 18/09/2023 21:02

Overthebow · 18/09/2023 20:58

Would the uni even let her do the msc year? I know when I did mine you had to get 2:1 to continue to the MSc.

Edited

Probably not - although she is doing well in the philosophy modules,

OP posts:

Potentialmadcatlady · 18/09/2023 21:02

If she hasn’t got DSA supper onboard then get that sorted asap… makes a world of difference

Original poster

Carrie370 · 18/09/2023 21:05

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/09/2023 21:00

Can she change to single honours?

That would be ideal - something for her to investigate. I'm not sure that the uni offers philosophy as a stand-alone degree.

OP posts:

NeedToChangeName · 18/09/2023 21:06

Carrie370 · 18/09/2023 20:57

Could she focus on philosophy only?

Maybe she has peaked / found her limit academically? I was a straight A student until I wasn't any more

My top tip is not to catastrophise. Would be good if she could get Bsc if possible. If not possible, so be it

TorqueWrench · 18/09/2023 21:06

I have ADHD and was very academic until my A levels, at which point I lost focus/became disinterested. Was predicted AAA and got BCC.

Still soldiered on to uni and despite always completing my projects at the eleventh hour, I still got a 2:1 with my average being a percent away from a 1st.

However, I honestly hated office work and, despite being able to do it, my life was a misery. It's one thing doing these epic pushes for exams but it becomes tired pretty quickly when you're taking work home to do in evenings/weekends, or repeatedly having to stay for an hour when everybody else goes home. Especially when you're not on hourly pay with o/t.

Best solution for me was a complete career change. I'm now in an operational role for a medium sized construction contractor but often drive trucks/operate machinery to help out. I love it. Being stuck at a desk all day with ADHD is hell after a few years IME.

NeedToChangeName · 18/09/2023 21:07

Carrie370 · 18/09/2023 21:05

That would be ideal - something for her to investigate. I'm not sure that the uni offers philosophy as a stand-alone degree.

Show quote history

If not, could she transfer to another university?

Original poster

Carrie370 · 18/09/2023 21:09

NeedToChangeName · 18/09/2023 21:06

Could she focus on philosophy only?

Maybe she has peaked / found her limit academically? I was a straight A student until I wasn't any more

My top tip is not to catastrophise. Would be good if she could get Bsc if possible. If not possible, so be it

Show quote history

Thank you. Catastrophising is exactly what is happening today.
ADHD is a bastard.

OP posts:

Original poster

Carrie370 · 18/09/2023 21:12

Thank you all for your messages. We will all sleep on it and tackle this with clearer heads in the morning. All I want ultimately is for her to be happy.

OP posts:

Jibo · 18/09/2023 21:13

Is she able to apply any of the techniques that got her through school to help her with her university studies?

LonginesPrime · 18/09/2023 21:15

There is quite a lot of support available for ADHD via the DSA - I see my DSA mentor twice a week so it keeps me on track so things don't slide too far.

Also, I know she's not doing Maths per se, but there's a book by Lara Alcock on how to study for a maths degree (available on kindle) that has a great section on what to do when you're stuck and overwhelmed - it's not specifically about ADHD but I find it helps me a lot and would feel applicable to physics too.

I feel for her - it's so hard to catch up again as the whole thing seems insurmountable.

Plus, having to come to terms with the diagnosis and what it means (and you can't help wondering 'what could have been different had I been diagnosed earlier?', etc etc) while also having to hold everything together and get back on track puts a huge amount of pressure on her. I would advise her to seek out some counselling via Uni asap too if she hasn't already to address that side of things as all of the emotional side of late(ish) diagnosis will just add to the overwhelm.

4catsaremylife · 18/09/2023 21:15

Hi, I was diagnosed with a SpLd at university after not doing well in my foundation year.
I had always struggled with maths/physics but engaging with the academic skills tutors changed my life.
I went every week to get support and finally started to get better. I graduated with a high 2:1 in an academic science and progressed to an MSc, the lessons I learned during my academic skills sessions passed with distinction. Please check whether the academic skills department can help your daughter

TorqueWrench · 18/09/2023 21:20

My mistake was not looking at the bigger picture, which is admittedly hard in your teens/early 20s.

Of course, you need to focus on each step and not get ahead of yourself, but qualifications are only really a stepping stone so kind of pointless if you're not going to enjoy spending the following four decades in your chosen profession.

Looking back, I don't think a high level executive career would ever have been a great fit for me due to the relentless amount of organisation required. It's not that I couldn't do it. It's more that it didn't leave me much energy left over for the rest of my life and I was' living to work'.

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