To be worried about my baby at nursery?

[TheBerry]

My 1yo has recently started nursery and goes all day three days a week.

He’s a very active, adventurous boy, and the first couple of times seemed very excited to be at nursery because of all the new toys and activities.

However, now he’s learned that I leave him there, he absolutely HOWLS and clings to me every time I drop him off. Apparently he always has a great day when I’ve gone, eats well, sleeps well (and he naps at home much better since he started too), but I’ve just noticed a change in his behaviour.

He seems more clingy generally and I think he’s scared we’re just going to leave him with random people. I’m worried about him! He’s been going for three weeks and seems to be getting more and more unsettled while he’s home.

I was an incredibly sensitive child, quite fragile really, and I have tonnes of very vivid memories from around 3+ and being left at playgroup and feeling absolutely terrified and bereft. I really struggled at school too and I don’t think these experiences did me any good or built character.

I’m worried he might be like me, and I’m damaging him!

Or is this normal??

I can't say whether or not it's normal as I only have 1 child so not very experienced. But my child is 1 and has started crèche and I am seeing the same patterns you have outlined. You have to remember they have gone from having you around ALL the time to now being full days in crèche. It makes sense they would become a little clingy when they see you. You will both get there when you get used to it! I can't see any benefit of them lying to you if he was upset all day every day. They'd want to work through it with you to make it stop. He is fine!

Yanbu as It’s completely normal to worry. It’s completely normal for kids to be clingy and unsettled.

I don’t think it’s normal for children to grow up feeling bereft and abandoned at aged 3 - that is quite uncommon I would say.

I doubt you’re damaging him, personally, as long as you can afford a high quality childcare setting - but if you Google you’ll find all sorts of “evidence” to the contrary.

Went through the exact same thing recently with 2.5 year old. 8 weeks in and I saw a difference, now every monday when she's due to go she brings her bag to me myself. But I would say this, if it continues and you see a change in behaviour then trust your gut and remember not all settings suit every child and it may be that particular setting isn't for that child. Especially when non-verbal.

Completely normal at their developmental stage to be experiencing separation anxiety, it will get better as they realise you do actually come back at a similar time each day.

Does he absolutely have to go to some form of childcare? I'm assuming he does because you're working?

I was lucky enough to be a SAHM, but if I'd had to use childcare, my first preference would have been a nanny (expense aside, obviously), then a childminder, then a nursery would have been right at the bottom of the list. Especially for a sensitive child. I used to meet nannies and CMs at the playgroups I took my children to, and they all seemed to be doing pretty much what the SAHMs were doing, in terms of care and attention and discipline.

One is very little to be left, and there was already a lot of research into the damage that nurseries can do to under-twos even when my DC were small, which is a long time ago. They can't tell you if anything is wrong, so it all comes out in behaviours. Can you re-think?

I think it’s normal especially if they’ve just started. My DD started in May, a day after she turned 2. Granted she has ASD, but she took about two months to settle in. She would get upset as we got on the same road of the nursery bless her!

She loves the staff now and love being at nursery. If after a while he’s still unsettled then you can consider a childminder as it’s slightly more intimate. Do give it a little while to give a chance to settle as you don’t want to keep moving him around.

@JadedLondon I think it’s very rich for someone who was lucky enough to be a SAHM to comment on how damaging nursery is and that you would have personally went for a nanny. The majority of people cannot afford a nanny. The majority of people have to work to provide and that means putting children in a Childcare setting. OP may be a single parent and is working to increase her monthly income, we don’t know their story so it isn’t always as easy as saying maybe rethink!

Agree with poster who said they tell you through behaviour.
Can you re think it? Shorter days, less days? Child minder?

@MinnieTruck

I don't understand your comment to that poster and why it's so defensive.
This is a chat forum and op has canvassed people's opinions?
Or are we all suposed to to say her baby will be fine and loves it there when he clearly doesn't?

I’m sure the pp can respond herself if she’d like too but seeing as you’re here, I’ll respond to you just this once.

It’s the internet, people can give their opinion and their people are welcome to respond. My post wasn’t defensive but like I said, it’s rich for a SAHM to comment saying that they’d prefer to use a nanny. Most people can’t afford a nanny!

Many people don’t have the option to be SAHM. It’s all good and well saying that it can be damaging a chid from under 2 but what happens when you HAVE to work?

@MinnieTruck I did say that a nanny would have been my first choice of 'external' childcare if expense hadn't been a consideration. I'd have thought that in an ideal world, anyone who has to work would ideally prefer to have their children looked after in their own home by someone who's in loco parentis. Failing that, a childminder would be the best option in my opinion, because - also in my opinion - very small children fare best if they are in a home-type setting, not in mass childcare.

I also think there's a big difference between sending a child to nursery aged just one, and sending a child to nursery who has turned two. I personally still think two is too young, but there's a world of difference between a two year old and a baby.

You can work but still be honest and not lie that the child is having a good time or would prefer to be there?

It’s all good and well saying that it can be damaging a chid from under 2 but what happens when you HAVE to work?

Then you find the best possible childcare you can afford. I don't believe that nurseries are the best possible childcare. They're not cheap, either.

3 weeks isn't a lot of time at all. He'll settle eventually, especially if the nursery is good and he's forming a bond with his keyworker.

Completely normal to worry. It's a big change for the both of you but it will soon become the new normal.

It’s extremely easy to say that you think those ages are too young to go to nursery but you are (or were) literally a stay at home mum. It’s really easy to say ‘Oh I’d do xyz if it was me’ but the reality is, is that when you’re actually in that situation you may have to act differently.

Childminders are great for some children but if nursery is the first childcare setting that they go, then they actually need time to settle and give it a go. Obviously OP hasn’t said how long her child has been going to nursery but I assume it’s still fresh. A lot of parents have experiences that after a little while, children get used to their surroundings and realise that their parent will come to pick them up. Some children never settle and hate nursery. That’s where a childminder may work for them instead.

When you have an actual job to go too in order to contribute to the household/put a roof over your head then these are the options. If you think children are too young to go to nursery them you could potentially write to your MP about mothers being able to stay at home longer witn their children. It’s really not our fault that we have no other choice! That was my point, hope that makes sense

How do you know that this nursery isn’t the best possible childcare for the OP’s child? It seems quite clear that he just hasn’t settled yet. All children have a settling in period, it’s not unheard of and that’s literally what the nursery teachers tell you

Just to give another side - this happened with me and DS. Everyone said he would settle. Three months later and he was still screaming bloody murder every drop off even though he came out happy or at least seemed to be. He was also very clingy and emotional at home.

in the end - I had some other niggles too - I changed nursery. He walked in happily the first day (we had visited a few times before) without me going in with him and I was gobsmacked. It’s been the same every day since bar one when I later realised he had been coming down with something but hadn’t mentioned anything!

OP, do you have a husband? If so, have you tried him doing some of the drop offs if it is possible? You both might find that easier.

It might also be as simple as him needing more time because there's a gap between him going such as if he goes M, W & F.

@MinnieTruck That does make sense. Given the amount of money the government (any government - they are all essentially the same) chucks at complete crap, I'd be very much in favour of mothers being 'paid' to stay at home for as long as possible, rather than more or less forced back to the workplace. We need to get away from the idea that mothers are only useful or valuable members of society if they are in paid employment. There should also be more focus on what's good for children.

Oh 100%.

I found it really sad that I went back to work when I had a 20 month old and a 9 month old earlier this year in January. It more or less broke my heart but I had no choice really.

The government should focus on mothers caring more for their children but everything’s about money. I can’t see them actually caring about what’s best for our children but what can we do ey

It wouldn't be great for women in the work place though. Who would want to hire women knowing that once they had a baby, the government pays them to stay at home for 'as long as possible'?

It would encourage inequality, not only in the work place but at home too unless it was also an option for fathers to be paid to stay at home for as long as possible if the mother decided not to.

It sounds on the longer side of normal to still be upset (anecdotally), but within normal range. I would probably give it a few more weeks and if he's still really unsettled look for a different childcare option (e.g. childminder). I also think you should trust your gut on the setting.

Well, yes it would, @SouthLondonMum22. But at the moment, women have babies because men can't. That's a built-in inequality. Women have babies, and hordes of women actually want to be at home with them, not at work. There are also, obviously, hordes of women who can't wait to get back to work.
I personally wasn't interested in whether I was perpetuating gender inequality in the workplace by opting out of it: I was interested only in being at home with my children because it was the best thing for them and for me, and - crucially - because I could afford to do it.

More mothers ought to be able to do this, if that's the choice they'd like to make. I disagree that it makes for inequality at home, by the way. As things stand (as you see in countless posts on MN), women are now working full time, and spending the rest of their time doing child care/life admin/domestic stuff while their husbands have a life aside from work. Basically, mothers being pushed back to work has resulted merely in women ending up doing everything. Mothers working full time seems in fact to worsen inequality in many cases.

There is absolutely some built in inequality which can't be avoided. This means that we should be making it more equal, not encouraging even more inequality and disadvantaging women in the work place who often already have to work harder than their male colleagues.

I think what is already offered is generous enough, though I would extend paternity leave because 2 weeks isn't enough for fathers and it would also encourage them to be as involved as possible from the start since it is so easy for mothers to become the default parent.

It's not a simple case of nursery being worst than staying at home with parent or vice versa.

All scenarios have advantages and disadvantages.

www.familyandchildcaretrust.org/long-term-study-following-4500-children-links-childcare-better-outcomes.

Links in the document to the findings from the gov.uk website

Let's not start dismissing working parents and SAHP or have them pitted against each other.

Each child is different as is each parent. You cannot generalise.

So please just stop saying nurseries are awful; stop saying being with parent at home is a disadvantage.

I never said being with a parent at home is a disadvantage, not sure where you got that one from!