Why can't I make decisions?

[sausagesurprise44]

I am so indecisive and get myself so stressed about making decisions. It's becoming ridiculous. It can be about stupid things. I couldn't decide where to go on holiday and was literally lying awake at night going through every single possible scenario, pro and con for my choices. It took the enjoyment out of planning as I got so sick of thinking about it.

At the moment I have a genuinely important and difficult choice to make regarding changing jobs. I've been offered a job on slightly lower pay than what im currently on and it would mean working in an office where currently I have the hybrid option and mostly wfh. However it's an exciting job that could lead to other things. I have been stewing on it all weekend. I don't know what to do and it's got me to the point where I feel so stressed I'm making myself feel sick. I've had advice and opinions from dh, family, friends...I still don't know what to do and I hate that as a grown woman I get in such a state about it. Why can't I just make a choice and commit to it? How do I get better at this? Everytime i think I hev the answer I start thinking 'but what if' and then I'm back to square one.

No advice but I an the same

No advice but I am the same as is one of my children (not the other though)
I think it's to do with confidence in myself / in 'life' that it's hard to 'jump'.
No advice how to improve, sorry.

I feel like I just need someone to tell me what to do which is incredibly passive and I wouldn't say I'm a passive person in general. I just overthink every possible scenario and get myself worked up over making the right choice.

A trick I've learned is to ask someone to decide for me. I then know from my reaction how I really feel! It usually helps.

Also - remember that to make life (or work) actually work we need to take decisions all the time, some trivial, some important. If you have to make 10 decisions a day you might get 7 or 8 right - but you do need to make them anyway or things just stall. You have to balance what might be lost by a wrong decision by what is lost through not taking any decision.

Personally I prefer decisiveness, even if it's not always right!

This is such good advice. I get so bogged down with making a decision that sometimes I just don't bother doing things so I can avoid the whole ordeal.

The job thing is a tricky choice though. So I really am struggling and I need to let them know very soon. On one hand the thought of moving out of my comfort zone (and very flexible wfh role) to go somewhere less flexible for less pay seems ridiculous. But I feel downhearted when I imagine turning it down too. I hate the way I don't seem to know my own mind.

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220401-intuition-when-is-it-right-to-trust-your-gut-instincts

You might be thinking to much about your decisions rather than trusting your intuition?

I had a virtually identical work dilemma. I took the job and took to it like a duck to water. I got a promotion after 6 months with a substantial payrise. I realised that I actually really enjoyed going in to the office.
I'll decide for you, take the job.

As an aside, my husband is the same regarding decisions and if I ever patio him, this will be the reason.

I'm pretty sure my dh feels the same about me. I must be very draining to live with.

Why not go back to the new job offer and see if you can negotiate the salary a bit. Say you are really keen to accept however your only concern is that this is a drop in salary. If you dont ask , you dont get . so worth a try .

Then once there you might be albe to negotiate the WFH balance a bit when you get a feel for things

I have this. I think it stems from perfectionism. I need to make the perfect decision, creates a lot of pressure. My parents are terrible at making decisions, it feels the worst thing in the world to make the wrong one, like you'd be seen as a total, feckless idiot. It makes me terrible at dealing with change and things like applying for new jobs. In the end it gets quite damaging as I end up waiting until my existing situation has become completely untenable and change is driven by a negative not a positive.

Bad decisions aren't usually totally bad. Whatever option you take teaches you something. If you make a bad decision you realise no one actually died (unless it was a REALLY bad one) and life went on and there's always something you can do to move on from it and you learn about yourself and your resourcefulness and resilience.

In any decision there are usually pros and cons so actually there is no such thing as a bad decision. I think they call it the no lose model.

Sometimes I consciously put things on the back burner, and find they resolve themselves in the background without too much conscious thought.

Other times I get sick of mulling things over and just plump for something - usually the thing that involved changing something if I’m fed up, as at least it’s something new.

I think with the job thing im genuinely worried about giving up a good thing (the flexibility, not the job itself) and taking a risk for a job I don't know much about and may not even enjoy. It feels like a lot to lose. Then when I think I've made the decision to turn it down I end up feeling angry with myself and going round and round in circles. Although this is a genuine and pretty normal dilemma I think this has highlighted to me just how shit I am at handling decision making in general.

Why did you apply for the new job?

I've been offered a job on slightly lower pay than what im currently on and it would mean working in an office where currently I have the hybrid option and mostly wfh. However it's an exciting job that could lead to other things.

I can understand why you'd find it hard to know what to do there. The new job is technically worse than your current job (less pay, less flexibility) but has the potential to be much better. Except that's only potential. But potential is exciting! But it's also not guaranteed. But it might happen! But it might not...

I'm going to say the new job is a bad fit and you should keep looking. If the new job was going to lead to other things, what were those other things? Could you get a job doing those other things now?

I am very good at making decisions mainly because my negative impatience trait kicks in and I just do it because I’m impatient lol.

However something my mum told me as a teenager that stuck with me was “you can always come home” or I guess in this case if it doesn’t work out you can do something else instead. Nothing is permanent and there’s always a way to fix something if it turns out you don’t like it. However if you never try then you’ll never know.

In like this sometimes and other times so decisive! Always feel bette when you have decided!

I would write a pro's and cons list and see where you are Drawn to or what is easie to write