My parents prefer my brothers

[waterbottle3]

I feel so disloyal saying this, I don’t even know why I’m posting but I just need to get out my frustration

i work in a highly professional job, I have a top degree at a top university and I’ve never been a difficult daughter. But yet my parents, especially my dad, have always favourited my brothers. They’re still so nice to me so I feel awful even complaining about them but they treat us so differently and it’s so obvious they prefer them. It’s like being stabbed in the heart when I think about it because all my life I’ve tried so hard to make them proud and be a good daughter (I’m not perfect and I’ve got plenty of faults but I’m not the worst daughter ever) but yet nothing is ever good enough and they still treat me so differently to them. It actually physically hurts to think about it, as daft as that sounds.

does anyone have any advice or experience of anything similar?

Could you maybe give examples of why you feel this is the case? Hugs ♥️

Aww, that makes me sad OP
It does sound like you are loved, so in what way do your parents display this preference?
There's a funny dynamic in some families, where the least successful offspring is favoured. It's almost like the parents feel they need the extra validation and love

Examples would be helpful.

But, also, how old are you? It’s like being stabbed in the heart when I think about it and It actually physically hurts to think about it both seem rather excessive. Parental approval is grand, but (and I mean this as kindly as humanly possible), maybe you need to grow up a bit?

@Bature I’m in my early 20s. Yeah maybe I do need to grow up a bit, it’s just hard because I’ve been feeling for my entire life that I’m not quite the same and I guess it’s just bothered me for a while

Or do you feel it's on account of your sex that this is the case?
Are your parents from a culture that favours boys?

My mother favours my brother, and my father favours me. So it is not the same as OP. We have actually discussed this with them but got nowhere.

Neither of us have great relationships with our parents, but they are not off the scale. Tolerable coexistence. Probably shouldn't have had children, but then this post would not be being posted. Many parents are far from perfect. Ours are in a way adult children.

Honestly I think my brain has gone to mush and I can’t think of any specific examples tonight but I’ll try and be more specific tomorrow when I’ve had a sleep. They just sort of treat me differently. If my brothers would go on a night out and have a drink and fun (sensible, no trouble but maybe just a bit too much to drink) they would be fine with it and it’s very much a boys will be boys attitude, whereas if I go for drinks with my friends I would get tuts and disapproval for being so silly and irresponsible if I got drunk even though I never cause any trouble or do anything wrong, but to them I’m acting silly and should be embarrassed of myself. Or whilst on a family holiday my brother was in the bathroom for a while (getting ready, shaving his face and brushing teeth etc and it was fine my dad just waited for him to come out so he could brush his teeth etc. But then the next day my dad was kicking off and getting bad tempered with me because he wanted in the bathroom when I was in and apparently I was being selfish and taking forever (I had been less than 5 minutes, I was taking my inhaler and brushing my teeth after.

I know those examples are silly but it’s just a lot of little things which have added up and it’s as if I’m a bother and always seem to cause an annoyance and I’ve never really understood what I’m doing so wrong

I don’t think it’s cultural, our background is Irish catholic but not strict or traditional

Same here op. I have no advice, I've just learnt to live with it. But I know how much it hurts.

It’s this explanation in my family and still hurts, and I’m in my 40s. It’s like I’ve been punished for being successful.

I relate OP. There is 9 years between myself and my younger sister and it’s truly excruciating to witness how different we were/are treated.

I was grounded, smacked, had my toys taken away, was scolded for getting nits and was tutted at for being sick. I had crippling depression and anxiety as a teen and my parents treated it entirely as an inconvenience and didn’t show me much support at all.

Then there’s my sister, she is on the spectrum and her treatment compared to mine is like night and day. Now, I don’t wish what I had on her, but it’s hard to swallow that I had to work my arse off for the very little pocket money I was given, whereas she gets it given to her. She’s praised, never been grounded, etc.

The hardest part is my depression being treated as an excuse whereas her issues are handled with such love and support. They’ve invested hundreds into her therapy and equipment and other stuff. I had none of that.

Maybe i’m now off loading and derailing the thread, but they truly favour her. I too have a degree and barely got any acknowledgment, whereas she passes one class test and gets the world handed to her. And yes, our relationship is strained because of it. I now have very little to do with any of them.

I think there are inequalities in the way some parents treat children, even if we don't mean there to be. We take for granted the child that is "sorted" and end up doing something "different" or "more" for the child that is not. We expect the "good" child to take their siblings failures into account, which in itself is unfair in the world of siblings. I agree that at different stages of their lives, we might actually get on better with certain children, have more in common, and these things come and go depending on the circumstance. Sometimes the words you want to hear are said out of your earshot to others "my daughter (summary of achievements, not a bother) whereas my bloody sons (summary of failings and frustrations). You often don't get to hear this. I feel for you for feeling sad because others, mainly your parents, have not realised, and adjusted their behaviour or their praise, and they probably don't realise you are hurting. Is there another relative you can talk to - maybe a grandparent, auntie, uncle to explain how you feel, I think it might help.