My traumatic childhood is ruining my life and my relationships.

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I don't even know how to word this but I need to get it out.

My father abandoned us when I was three. My mother was in and out of hospital with health problems that meant I was shipped from relative to relative while she was away. She was and is an alcoholic and never quite got over my father leaving. I think she might also be a narcissist. But worst of all, I suffered years and years of child on child sex abuse by two different boys. I don't remember how old I was. Just that it lasted years and was whilst I was at primary school. I never told a soil by my DH knows.

I've always been told since I was a child that I needed to stop living in fantasy worlds because it was negatively impacting on reality.

I'm now 28 and still struggle with reality. I have a TIC disorder and am medicated for anxiety. I can't hold down a job. I've just quit another one after two weeks. Everything exhausts me mentally. I can't explain it, but I don't behave like a normal person. I thought I might have ADHD or autism. Maybe I do. My DC is on the pathway for being diagnosed with either or. But now I'm wondering if who I am is just a result of the trauma I suffered.

I'm shit with money. Have an addictive personality. Get obsessed with things (things that take me away from reality). Struggle to keep on top of the housework, cooking, etc. I want to mostly sleep. Make ridiculous plans that I can never stick too. Unrealistic. I could go on and on.

My relationship with DH is hanging by a thread. There's only so much he can support me without his own mental health suffering.

He wants me to go to the Doctors. Tell them everything. Including the abuse. But I'm scared and ashamed.

I let everyone down. Not being able to work. Poor DH working all day and then having to help around the house, cook, etc. Shouldering all the financial burden.

I don't know what to do or how to be better.

Sounds like you would definitely benefit from some therapy xx

Sorry you feel like this, I have no advice really but didn't want to read and run. I understand you feel scared and ashamed but I do think your DH is right about going to the doctors. I think that could be a great starting point for you going forward, would your DH go with you for support? 💐

He's already taken the day off tomorrow so he can come with me, bless him. But I want to Bury my head in the sand and pretend I'm fine and go shopping or something.

Sounds like complex ptsd. Look up dr Glenn Doyle on fb and Instagram. Read some of his posts. Start there.

Then therapy, lots and lots of it.

You have significant childhood trauma. You really would benefit from therapy. No one wants to sit and talk about their trauma but once you do, you will feel different and respond to life differently. Please seek help

Let him support you, find some therapy

Oh you sound completely overwhelmed. You’ve been through a LOT. I don’t know if there’s a way to be happier but I do think it sounds worthwhile seeing the GP, even if you start by saying you want to be assessed for ADHD and autism rather than telling them everything.

ADHD and childhood trauma seem connected according to various bits of research I’ve come across, so it might be interesting to look up if you haven’t already.

You could also try looking up housework+body doubling - something which lots of people with ADHD find helpful

You have had such a lot to deal with. No wonder you find everything so difficult.

I agree with other people, that counselling could really help.

With the GP, you can explain how you are and what help you need without giving details. So you can say 'trauma when I was young' rather than explaining exactly what happened. You don't have to tell everything straight away. The GP can help with how you are now without knowing all the details of the past.

Some of your symptoms sound like complex PTSD and you need to get it out. I'm so sorry for what you have been through.
I have always found the people at Rape Crisis UK so supportive and kind.. They also put me in touch with a great therapist.. arranged the whole thing for me.
Give them a call you can tell them as little or as much as your comfortable with.

Look up the holistic psychologist on Instagram or Twitter Dr Nicole LePerla.

I think a lot of what she talks about will resonate and possibly help.

It’s a lifetime of work to recover from a traumatic childhood, none of which is the child’s fault. Good luck xxx

Tell them everything. Including the abuse. But I'm scared and ashamed.
I don't know what to do or how to be better.

Therapy. Medication. Proper diagnosis. I am sorry this happened to you, it is not surprising that you need support and this is way too much for you or you and your DH to manage by yourselves. Talking to your GP is the best first step. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Or scared of. There are a lot of people there who will help you, if you give them a chance. Fingers crossed for you.

I feel for you deeply and can relate very much so. Of course daily tasks are incredibly undesirable - they don’t promote or provide escapism!

Therapy is crucial. This is my advice:

• First few sessions might seem useless. But I promise you in time, it will get “good”, i.e. very enlightening
• Do not passively nod along or agree with your therapist. For example, when you don’t know the answer to what your therapist is asking, simply say, “I don’t know”. (Many times when I was asked “how does that make you feel?” I’d come up with answers I thought she was looking for because I didn’t bloody know how that made me feel - I’ve escaped emotions my whole life goddammit!! So yeah, don’t make same mistake, it’s a waste of time and money)
• Considering your therapist is solid: When you’re having days that you’re not connecting with your therapist, it’s most likely because you’re not connecting with YOURSELF, and has very little to do with them. This was a key reminder for me.
• Do not undermine your trauma. Yes, you are a victim and you do not need to seem okay with things. You are not and that’s a good thing.
• It’s fucking hard because therapy is no quick fix. It’s a never-ending confrontation with yourself. Even a few days of not actively engaging with what your therapist has taught you can put you back massively. But if you make conscious decisions every day from what you’ve learnt in therapy, it may become habits or instincts with time, and THAT’S the goal here!!!
• (Edited post to add this one) On the days you feel like going the least is the days you ABSOLUTELY need to show up!
• Also, your DH sounds absolutely amazing… this will help you massively. You are not alone OP and you have a beautiful child who looks up to you so very much.

I am wishing you the absolute best in your healing. It’s unfair but it’s possible OP! Please trust me xxx

You sound like me, I ve just been diagnosed with ADHD. I am not a doctor, just saying it is worth investigating, it 'll save you years of sorrow and things will make so much sense. Be gentle to yourself.

you have absolutly nothing to feel ashamed about,you didnt abuse anyone it was not your fault and you need to forgive yourself, turning to addictions and distractions is a way to try and distract and not face what happened to you because it is so painful. but the truth is the only way to heal and be happy is to face what happened through counselling to make sense of it all and forgive yourself and the people who did that to you so you can move on in life and not be stuck in the trauma

I think it sounds like C-PTSD too. A lot of the symptoms of C-PTSD are the same as for ADHD. I think the doctors would be a good starting point if you are able to go.

You've already made the first step by posting on here. Just a few things:

It is extremely likely that you have severe PTSD from what has happened to you. This can definitely be treated. There are lots of ways to work with this kind of trauma.

The shame you feel is not your shame. You have done nothing wrong. But we tend to take on board the shame of those who have harmed us. It gives us some kind of control when we feel we don't have any other sense of control.

If you go and see a therapist, make sure it's someone who specialises in childhood trauma. You don't just want a chat, you want someone who can contain your distress and overwhelm and start to work on rebuilding your confidence and reducing the stratospheric level of stress you are under. Make sure it's someone you feel comfortable with, not someone who makes you feel vulnerable or small.

You don't have to spill everything that has happened to you straight away to your therapist. You can say you are coming about childhood issues but then work on how to develop strategies to regulate your emotions before starting to explore what happened to you. You should leave immediately any therapist that insists on you talking about things you don't want to share at the beginning.

Trauma is exhausting. You are holding down a tsunami of pain and rage. That won't help your ability to think, make decisions, look after yourself, do everyday tasks.

Once you have worked through the emotional side you will see whether you have some ND. But that is less important than tackling your trauma.

How are you getting on, OP? 🌷