To feel sad about my kid’s birthday

[sausage12]

Not sad because it’s their birthday! Sad because of how uninterested family are about it.

Context:

My kid is a Covid baby. So we went through the first year of life on our own, I had severe PPD and pushed a lot of friends away (who didn’t take that and were super supportive throughout that time). I speak to my best friends everyday and see them regularly. They are very much involved with my kid.

Seems different for family though. I feel like they’re just not interested at all and are still in the mindset / habit of not visiting (this only applies to us, not other family members).

Further context is I planned a big birthday buffet, party food etc last year and literally everyone cancelled for various reasons. So wasn’t planning anything this year. As we got closer to his birthday I was getting increasingly upset that people didn’t seem
to be interested and after a night of tears, I realised I was being unreasonable since I hadn’t actually planned anything, so organised several activities over the weekend and gave family the options, so they could do any one or all of the events depending on money, time etc. When I say events I mean, pizza and ice cream, going to the park, soft play, party food and cake at ours. Nothing super fancy.

My kid’s birthday this year was a Saturday (yesterday).

My dad and sister were too busy to come at all. Not even a card from my (adult) sister, and my dad’s name was written in the card from my mother. I’ve told both of them how upset I was they didn’t make the effort.

My SIL, her partner and child were supposed to meet us for pizza and ice cream. No messages on the day and just didn’t turn up. So I expected them to come today for the party food and cake etc. obviously no word from them.

BIL is sick so can’t come to any of it and neither can his wife or kid.

MIL has booked a holiday for every one of my kid’s birthdays since he was born. She’s the worst for making plans and cancelling on us, she has cancelled on us the last 7 times. Doesn’t do the same for my SIL (and that’s not me being bitter - a fact! We live closer than SIL too).

My mum did come down for a few hours which was really nice.

FIL and his DP were supposed to arrive today at 11am for party food and cake. Texted at 12.30 to say they’d arrive around 2pm (I’d started cooking party food for the buffet).

My DP and I are pretty boring people - we work long hours and have a toddler, that’s our entire personality lol. I feel like we are constantly trying to force family to spend time with us but this reluctance to see a lovely little boy on his birthday has really upset me.

Final bit of context: we’ve not missed a single birthday/event in the last few years except once when my SIL’s birthday party was at 7pm and my son was under 1 so we just couldn’t go out that late. We still bought presents/sent card etc. My son is older now so have been out late since with him to celebrate family member’s birthdays, even when we have an hour or longer drive home after.

What do you think?
AIBU - my expectations are too high by thinking people would want to spend time with their grandson/nephew/relative for their birthday? Should I take the hint and stop inviting them to spend time with us?

If I’m not BU then what can we do differently?

It’s really getting us down.

Hello
i am sorry to read your message as I can imagine how down you’re feeling about it all. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable expecting people to want to spend the time with your son. Did you give them sufficient notice on any plans? Not that that should really matter as people should have it in their diary really and expect to pop round, even if you haven’t organised anything.

My honest feeling is is there more going on here? I approach this in the way that I would think, I am not judging. I would be asking people why they are not making an effort for him and is there something that I/DH are doing that is discouraging them from visiting our family. I say this as I have a SIL who I do distance myself and my family from as they make things difficult and are not welcoming to the family and their children, but then gets frustrated when people don’t want to come. My brothers and I have spoken to my brother about this but he is very under the thumb sadly and has no say so to avoid us being in uncomfortable situations, we don’t visit often and when we do, we don’t stay for long.

while I don’t think you’re being unreasonable with your expectations, I would start asking people if there is any reason that they are not coming and are not showing any respect to try to understand what their opinions and priorities are and why they have them as it does seem a bit strange that most are not making the effort.

my comment is based on how I would try to handle this situation.

@GeorgiaC123 thank you for your kind response. We really do feel down about it.

I mentioned how upset I felt to my dad and sister about the fact they should have prioritised my kid’s birthday. My dad said he had to work (don’t buy this though as I think he could have organised his work differently - he has flexibility to do this). My sister’s response was “lol ok”. Literally that.

I do think I could have given more notice, like I said we weren’t going to plan anything after last year and so pulled loads of things together on the Wednesday before the weekend. My SIL actually went to my FIL’s house on the day she was supposed to be meeting us for pizza, not a formal plan or anything, just popped round.

We are quite shy people, we are boring 🤣but we are also good people, we’re nice and we’re generous (don’t mean to sound big headed). We do try to be welcoming and we are fine and have a great time (in our opinion? Could we be wrong?) when we’re all together, that’s usually at my FIL’s house though. Our house is clean, a decent (smallish) size, we always cater for everyone.

I’ll try and ask if we are doing something wrong. Ive often asked my DP if we’ve done something wrong but never asked them directly. I’m scared!

We both said (and our friends also said) it’s so strange that it’s our entire family, with the odd exception, rather than the other way around. I don’t think I’d mind so much if it was just one or two people.

If you invited them on the Wednesday, didn't they only have 3 days notice?

@WickerGirl We went to my niece’s birthday party about a month ago and someone asked about my son’s birthday, I said oh yes it’s a Saturday so we can have a bit of a party.

My parents and sister had about 3 weeks notice, but I’ve only gave ‘formal’ invites to my DP’s family this Wednesday, which I know is my fault for being so late with it. The most annoying thing is people said they were coming and just didn’t show. Except my MIL who goes on holiday for his birthday every year - at least she was upfront about not wanting to come.

Although I would suggest they’ve had 365 days notice. We plan our months in advance and always check for birthdays etc and keep days free or check with family if they’re doing anything before planning other things on birthdays. Eg about 2 months before my niece’s birthday I was asking what she wanted and if they had plans. We only got 18 hours notice for her actual party (but had kept the weekend free as it was her birthday) and then got asked if we would cater it with our pizza oven!

To be fair, I wouldn't go to a child's birthday party

In that case, I would definitely reach out as it does sound (to me) like there may be some misunderstanding or character clash somewhere, or just disrespect which is just as bad. May of course, not definitely but something does seem off and I would definitely question it as otherwise you will never know and do not want to prolong it and have this roll onto next year and to cause further distress to you and your DH.

I would let them know your disappointment at people not showing when they said they would. It’s not nice that anyone doesn’t turn up after saying they would and not informing you of cancelling. 😔

@AuntieMarys what an unhelpful response.

On each and every one of their birthday's take your dc out and post photos everywhere. My ds was 9 yesterday and a few of his siblings took the day off work to come out. We haven't seen any dgps since he was born. Their loss op. And ime it does mean you get your dc all to yourself. Every day not just birthdays! Back away now you know your worth. Stop worrying about any of them. Nasty buggars!

You need to stop inviting these people to things. They're not interested. Sorry. We have family the same and it really upset me and I thought it was really shitty of them, but at the end of the day it's put a distance between us because why should I care about them if they don't care about us? I was absolutely devastated that not a single one of them could be bothered to turn up for DS's christening (after one of them even made us move the date so they could come).
Can you not invite some local friends and their kids, e.g. your child's friends from nursery, to future parties? That's what we do. We just invite everyone in DS's class and we get really lovely parties, and DS gets some nice cards and gifts.

We have disinterested family too. We stopped inviting them because it was pointless. When your DC start school birthdays will become easier as usually they just have parties with class mates anyway. It’s rubbish and hard when family don’t care, but you have to accept it, and focus on friends instead. Nothing you do will change them.

Not even just to see your grand child/ niece/ nephew? That sounds mean

I think you have to just limit your expectations. Birthday "events" for a child are just not that interesting for most people. I know they're family, but they don't have to be interested just because they're family.

My brother and his family only came to my son's 1st birthday. They haven't been to any of the next 4 or so we've had. My in laws never come at all - parents, brother, niece and nephew... none. My parents will come along briefly for a bit of cake. I have zero expectations, arrange parties for his little friends and my adult friends instead. Far more fun and that way I'm not disappointed when family don't show.

A bit sad, maybe, but managing your expectations is the only way to cope. Don't plan loads of weekend "events" and don't send out invites to family. As your child gets older, they'll have fun with friends instead.

No I wouldn't. I'm in my 60s and never have.

@AuntieMarys I'm sure you're very loved by your family 🙄

😅😅😅
I am indeed

You can’t make people care about you, or your child. They either do, and make an effort, or don’t.
It’s out of your control and will feel odd but a relief to let it go.
Focus efforts on making friends with families of children he plays with, and you’re more likely to find people who stick.

Sounds like you planned nothing, did a last minute U-turn and then expected everyone to be at your beck and call 🤷‍♀️ It doesn't work that way unfortunately. Start behaving like a mature adult, or your son's relationships with family members will suffer in the long run.

Can you say why @AuntieMarys ?
I always make the effort with my beautiful 3 year old niece. Children are a higher category than adults because they don't understand.

step back. they sound like horrible people.
hope little one had a lovely birthday. personally i wouldnt be attending any of their gatherings. lifes too short

I think you're unusual in keeping weekends free on the off-chance your niece/nephew decides to have a birthday event. I tend to book weekends up a few weeks in advance as do most I know. I'd attend a pre-arranged event or a last minute one if I were free but I'd not arrange my holiday or whatever around a 2 year old's birthday, nor would I expect people to for my own small children. I'm sorry you were disappointed though; people shouldn't say they're coming then not show up.

Does your little one go to nursery?
I'd try a party for his nursery friends instead. Adults with no young children often find children's birthdays boring. We never do family parties, they all send presents and wished but we have a family day out and a party for their friends.

How old are they? 2 or 3? It sounds like a lot of effort. Just plan to do something nice as an immediate family while they're still little- take them out or something. In a few years they'll be having birthday parties with their friends anyway.

In future I'd focus on inviting his nursery or school friends as his family is letting him down. I understand it is upsetting but you must know they are unreliable.

By the same token, I think you should stop turning up to their stuff. You're giving them far too much of yourselves and getting nothing back.

Did anything happen during your period of PPD that put their noses out of joint? Are they bonded with your child?