Overthinking social interactions

[GreyClouds101]

Hi
Not an AIBU - because I know I am BU. Posting for traffic

I realise I have some sort of an issue but I don't know how to fix it

I don't overthink every interaction I have but it's more when I think someone's been offended by me or I have annoyed someone. 2 examples below

I teams messaged my colleague about what time i'd go for lunch. She shouted across and said "I am here you know, you can just ask me in person" - I messaged as she was typing etc and I didn't want to interrupt her work especially regarding something minor. It has played on my mind and I laughed it off at the time, but I can't stop thinking about it. She is a lovely colleague and never rude so not sure why I got sensitive about it

Example 2

A client I was dealing with, started ringing up my colleague for updates even though I was already trying to resolve the issue and updated him throughout. I light heartedly said to my colleague "sorry about that! Not sure why he was ringing you constantly when I was already dealing with it and updated him" and she said "let me take a wild guess, maybe he didn't know you're sorting it out?" - this was a different colleague, again, not a mean/sarcastic or blunt person so I was taken aback by the reply (unreasonable of me)

It sounds pathetic but I can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I am far too sensitive, and anyone else wouldn't be bothered at all by the above.

The worst bit is I try to fix it afterwards. E.g. 3 hours after Example 1, I went to my colleague and apologised for messaging and explained I didn't want to interrupt her

Example 2, I messaged colleage back 1 hour later to apologise for saying that about the client and that I was already helping him so not sure why he kept ringing. Both colleagues laughed it off and that was that, but I think about it for days on end and feel really stupid especially when I go and try to "fix" it as they're probably not even thinking about it anymore

Has anyone got any advice or been through this?

I’m like this, but I overthink social interactions constantly anyway - in my case it’s one of the (many) autistic traits I have.
It’s horrible and paralysing to be constantly going back over old conversations OP, it really is. What sometimes helps me a bit is to try and be in the other persons shoes in this scenario. So, if someone ever said something a bit off/slightly funny to you, and you were on the receiving end, would you spend all day thinking badly of that person or would you forget about it and start thinking about yourself, what you’re having for tea etc? People are selfish by nature and studies have shown we don’t figure in other people’s minds nearly as much as we think we do, in fact they often don’t think of us

I'm really sorry to hear this OP. It's horrendous to worry so much about tiny incidents like this. Sounds like you have very low self esteem and are almost apologising for your existence. Could you get some help? I had low self esteem and was anxious and obsessive in my 20s-30s. I've had some therapy but two things I did for myself that worked well were 1) switching my inner voice from harsh to sympathic. So when I start feeling panicked that I've done something embarrassing or wrong, I immediately repeat (to myself) 'you poor thing. I'm sorry you're feeling like this.' 2) realising people are super self absorbed and think about you way less than you fear. This isn't a criticisism, it's just true. So you might think Jane and Belinda in the office think you're a right mug for messaging them about lunch/making a small communication misstep, but it's so unlikely. They're thinking about a million other things that actually matter to them.

Finally, apologising for tiny things is pointless and only brings attention back to it. Next time you're tempted to say sorry, swallow it back down x

Thank you so much @adotonthespectrum and @Evaka that really does put things into perspective. Especially the fact that they are probably not even thinking about it 5 mins later, that they have a million other things on their mind.
It is very true if someone else had said something similar to me, I would not still be thinking about it hours later and I will remind myself of this

I will certainly use the techniques you both mentioned to calm that inner voice and will not apologise for silly little things anymore unless I have genuinely made a mistake - because you're right, it brings attention back to it when they already forgot about it and probably makes me look so weird

I do suffer with low self esteem. I tried to "act" confident at work as when I joined no one knew me, and I didn't want anyone to view me as timid, quiet and shy (which I am) - but of course it's showing now and it's obvious

Whenever there is a training day, my colleagues all opt to go in to the place and are looking forward to meeting new people. I however opt for the virtual version as I am too shy

I dread work dinners unless it's just the team I see everyday at work. I feel hot and flustered when making conversations with other colleagues from different departments because I am so shy

I will avoid making a tea in the kitchen at work if someone else is in there because I don't want to talk and say something silly. There have been a few awkward silences thanks to me because I just freeze and now i'd rather avoid it all together

I guess this is all deeper than my original post. I have lots of work to do

Good luck OP. You're able to express yourself very well on here, so maybe you could have a chat with a counsellor or similar and ask them for some help. I hope you can get to a place where you're kinder to yourself x

@Evaka thank you for your kind words and support. I will reach out to a counsellor and take it from there xx

Grey clouds, contact Able Futures. They'll ring you for an appointment within a few days and the help they give is exactly what you say you want to look into
It's free - it's funded by DWP.