Someone please help me with these worries about my baby

[Worriedmum202223]

I have NC because I am disclosing something very personal. When I was a child I was regularly hit, shouted at etc. No sexual abuse but sometimes the memories of the physical abuse make me panic and wonder if I was sexually abused. Nothing to suggest I was, it’s just something that pops into my head now and then.

Anyway, dc is going to nursery age 1. Obviously he can’t speak yet. I am terrified he will be hurt in some way. I assume this has come from my own childhood? I am usually very rational about things. I’ve tried to read things online to reassure me but when I talk to other mums in real life I don’t want to share my background, and when I did say once I was worried about abuse I was looked at like I was crazy. The nursery I have found is ofstead outstanding but I am told this means nothing in reality anyway. I am so worried he won’t be able to tell me about his day. The nursery has cameras but not in baby changing areas which is understandable. I’m so sad about it all and can’t embrace this next step for us as I am so stressed about it.

Nursery is a very safe option for childcare and I think most people worry about leaving their child with others. It will get easier and he will be talking before he goes to more risky places.

I think you probably need to go to counselling for your own childhood trauma.

Ask yourself, what made you choose the nursery (other than the ofsted rating)?
Did you get a good feel from the place? Was the atmosphere good? Did the other children look like they were happy and enjoying their time there?
Did you get a good feeling from the staff and have you seen them interact with your child?
Did you explore other settings and how did they compare?

It is also worth noting that one is very young. You might not be ready to leave your baby yet and that is absolutely fine. Could you afford to delay childcare for perhaps another year?

We tried leaving my daughter with nursery at around 14 months but realistically I wasn't ready. Her settling in period was also awful and she was very upset all the time. I switched to self employed work and tried again when she was two.

Imo a nursery is the safest place for childcare compared to a childminder or nanny. Because they're such busy places with several adults around, popping in and out of the changing room constantly, it's unlikely someone could get away with abuse without being noticed.

Of course the likelihood is low in all childcare settings and remember, inspections will check for safeguarding procedures including vetting. Try not to worry

You could do with some help with this thinking and you should not put this onto your child

Agree with PPs I think you need to address your own trauma from childhood, you’ll be amazed at the results. I’m currently having emdr therapy that raised some serious emotional abuse as a child from my grandparents.

If it helps, ask for the nappy changing policy, or request that two members of staff are present every time your dc is changed. My son isn’t nappy changed any more, but in his nursery the nappy changing area is visible for all members of staff, I don’t know about your DCs nursery. But usually it’s a well safeguarded area so that staff (as well as) and children are protected.

I've used 7 different nurseries for my children. In my experience - and that is quite a lot of experience - they are some of the safest and best safeguarded places toddlers spend time in.

I'm also an abuse survivor and wary for my children. But in nurseries there are always a lot of staff around who automatically keep an eye on each other.

I rejected iirc 3 nurseries over the years because the staff seemed disengaged or inexperienced or the children seemed bored. I went to look round and spent some time there and the environment seemed inadequate. But nothing like abusive! Just a bit meh.

Agree with pps who say get help for anxiety - it's a joy killer and you deserve to enjoy bringing up your children.

My son has been in nursery since he was 5 months old, and we choose nursery over childminder for the safety aspect (with him being so young). It is honestly the safest option because things will show very quickly if there is something wrong with a member of staff, they are never alone with the children.

But I think you need to prepare yourself that you child is likely going to be "hurt" by the other children! From that age some bite, push, they fall over when they play together, etc etc. Nursery staff manage the situation as well as they can, but at times we just get loads of incidents forms. It was difficult for me at first, but now sometimes our son is sometimes the "attacker" and we understand it's a normal part of his development.

If you don’t feel ready to send him and if you are able to keep him at home longer then I’d do that.

I also think you would benefit from some therapy- sadly it isn’t possible to remove all risk of harm from children’s lives so it’s something that you will have to deal with at some point.

A good nursery with lots of staff and cameras is going to be as safe as possible.

Thanks. I am in therapy at the moment, it is helping.

I hate the idea of not watching at all times but I don’t think I would feel better if they went at 14 months or 18 months etc. I think I will always feel worried.

There are never any guarantees, but nursery staff will all have the higher level DBS certificate and there will be lots of safeguarding measures in place to guard against abuse. It is all taken extremely seriously these days. It's natural to worry about sending your precious baby to be cared for by people you don't know well. It's completely normal for everyone, and with your history it's going to be worse. I'm sure your baby will be safe at nursery, but is completely understandable for you to be feeling this way. Please be kind to yourself, you've had a bad experience that has left you understandably nervous. Can you get some counseling? I think it could really help. Just remember, the abuse you suffered, and the fear for your baby you feel as a result, neither of these are your fault. It's not your fault. Please know that.

Hi op,
My daughter is 20 months and starts nursery in two weeks, with settling in starting tomorrow. Like you I am so nervous and really don't trust anyone around her but I know these are my own fears. I also hate the idea of her missing me.
But I also know that it'll be so good for her development and I know I went for this nursery for good reasons. But that doesn't stop me laying in bed getting teary eyed and panicking! I'm not even sure where this has come from as I don't think that I have any past traumas.
It is so hard, but take it day by day. Nothing is permanent