Aibu to ask you to give me a step by step on how you would deal with your child hitting their baby sibling?

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For context ds1 is 4 and ds2 is 9 weeks. Ds1 has been acting out since the new arrival and keeps hitting his baby brother.

Today my mum was holding ds2 while ds1 was playing with a doll next to them. He started hitting the doll on the head. My mum said that wasn’t very nice and before we knew it he had slapped ds2 over the head. This is an ongoing thing where he will just hit his brother out of the blue. I’m at my wits end and just don’t know how best to deal with it.

So how would you have dealt with it in the moment?

well it's an absolute classic reaction to a new sibling.

I would just take him v firmly and say no - but then make sure he got a lot of attention separately - I would definitely not tell him off severely

this is a massive, massive shock to his whole world view remember! He is feeling anxious and sad, I wouldn't be punishing it.

Following as due baby #2

I would keep reinforcing how we do not hit babies ever, how we do not hurt them and how it is big bro's job to protect the baby. I would talk about how it might feel and if he is cross with the baby, what else he could do to show it.

I would do a very firm “no hitting” And move baby away to keep them safe. Ignore DS1 for a short period of time (only a minute or two)
Separately to this I’d be making sure DS1 got as much one to one time and “attention cup” filling stuff as possible.
Do you remember how your world changed overnight when you had DS1? That’s basically what’s happened to him with DS2s arrival so try to keep in mind it’s going to be really hard for him.

I can see your are cross with Baby Brother. It’s ok to be cross, but it is not ok to hit. I am going to sit you next to me on the sofa to keep baby safe. If you are feeling cross you can go and stomp outside or squish your teddy. It is not ok to hit.

I would pick the baby up and walk away from older DC giving the baby lots of vocal, over the top attention, leaving DC on their own.
I would also make a huge effort overall to give more time and attention to older DC, plus lots of praise when they are kind to the baby.
Basically negative behaviour = no attention, left alone, positive behaviour = lots of praise and attention.

In the moment I'd sit him on the time out step for 30 seconds then go and sit with him on the step, give him a hug, tell him I love him and talk through why he did it and how he feels, then explain that he hurt his sibling and tell him to say sorry.

When he's not hitting the sibling, I would give him more positive attention, and when I have to pick one of them to go to first, go to him a bit more, not the newborn, because he's currently seeing it as a competition for your attention and he needs to learn to share you.

It's great that he's got a doll, can you play any make believe games where you and DS are both looking after your babies together, feeding them and changing them (you could put one of your baby's nappies on DS's baby if you wanted-- my two love having "real" nappies on their babies).

It's really hard when the baby is very new as they're really intense and need a lot of time and energy, but DS doesn't understand that yet and probably needs a bit more good attention.

My DS is grown up, and was an only child, but I do remember reading some Claire Rayner advice about dealing with how a first child must feel when a new baby sibling comes along: she likened it to a woman being told that she is such a wonderful wife, that her partner has decided to get another one too.

Urgh we had this - all mine have adhd. Use to have to watch them like hawks. Importantly when older one has been playing nicely say for 5 or 10 mins praise them how nicely they are playing etc. If they hit, tell them it's unkind and ignore them for short period.
Lots of distraction and ridiculous amounts of frequent praise when they are playing nicely, using kind hands, sitting quietly etc. You will feel totally silly to begin with but does work.

Forget sanctions or punishments, you are just going to have to be extra vigilant for baby's safety and extra loving and patient to child.

Don't shame the child for his feelings of resentment. Let him know that you understand and that you still love him just as much as ever. Apologise to him for being busy with baby, but explain that babies need to have everything done for them, not like a big boy like him.

Having baby in a sling is a useful way to keep out of the way of thrown toys or blows. You can give your older child verbal and visual attention without depriving baby of anything.

If you're breastfeeding, then use feeds as a time to have older child snuggled next to you while you read to him or sing together.

Spend time with your older child when baby sleeps or is with your husband/partner. That way he has your full attention.

Try to be the one who puts the older one to bed, baths him, etc. He is still your baby and hasn't been replaced in your love.

Make sure visitors are sensitive to his needs too and don't rush to the baby, ignoring him.

Look up books about big brothers coping with a new baby. It will help him to know it's normal to feel like he does.

He will come to love the baby, but you can't trust him to manage his actions at the moment.

Please don't ever ignore your child as punishment. It is emotional abuse.

First I'd tell him before it happens again that you understand new sibling is an adjustment but we do not hit. Ask if he thinks other people should hit the baby and hopefully he will say no and you can ask why he thinks it is not ok and then explain that for the same reasons he cannot hit the baby and from now on, there is a new rule that any hitting will result in him being put on the thinking step and when he is calm you will come and get him if he is ready to come and say sorry to the baby. Rinse and repeat.

I absolutely agree with all of the above advice but I do think after a certain amount of time there needs to be a tangible consequence. I’ve just gone through this with the same age gap. I gave DC1 a grace period where I understood they were adjusting and we talked things out but 6 months in I had to lay down proper boundaries and consequences for hurting DC2. Something simple as no tablet at the weekend, no lollipop etc. just something basic but something DC1 definitely likes and doesn’t want taking away. I’ve found I can mention the threat of a consequence now and DC1 immediately understands what I mean and pulls back.

Thanks everyone for the great advice. I still make sure I'm the one who baths him and puts him to bed every night. I also make sure I take the time every day to get down on the floor and play with him, even if it's only 10 minutes.

I explain to him that we don't hit. I ask him if he would like it if someone hit him like that. I try putting him out on the stairs and getting him to apologise. I ask why he hit and he says because he wanted to.

I hope things start to settle soon.

It would be 4 minutes on the naughty step from me and a big telling off.

In addition to that I'd be trying like hell to improve the bond between them. With my two I did this by telling dc1 (and everyone else) how much dc2 liked him, and how clever dc2 thought he was, and how dc2 was always watching him and wishing they could do x/y/z. A bit of flattery goes a long way. I also had a good line in "Oh I'm sorry dc2, I know you'd like to play on the slide/ride a bike/build a tower like X, but you are too little right now. When you are bigger X will show you how to do it properly."

There are two parts to it.

First, do not tolerate the hitting at all. When it happens, immediately remove older child from the area and give a stern telling off along the lines of "No, we don't hit!"

Second, if the older one is the type to like praise, then invite him to do nice things for the baby and make a huge, over-the-top fuss of him every time he does, no matter how grudgingly he does it. So if he brings you a nappy, huge fuss, "wow, what a good big brother you are!", he pays the baby gently, even once "Aww, that's so lovely, how kind!" etc.

Basically, be strict about violent behaviour, but reward positive behaviour, and give him plenty of chances to earn that reward by inviting him to do positive things to/for baby.

That's what worked for us anyway!