To go back to being a sahm?

[Stellathedog]

I’ve got three kids and two are autistic and also have adhd and the youngest one also has a medical issue. When they were young I had to stop working as they couldn’t access nursery for more than a few hours a day. Now they’re both in a specialist school and I work 4 and a half days a week, term time only but I’m exhausted. I do all the childcare after school and during the holidays. And work has added more responsibility and stress to my life. We don’t get respite in our area, we’ve asked our social worker. There’s no holiday clubs that can take my kids because of their needs. So no breaks in the holidays. One maybe able to be in supported living when they’re older but the youngest is likely to always be at home or will need a full time care setting. I know it’s likely that at post 16 for one and post 19 for the other, I will need to be a carer again. And at the moment emotionally and mentally I just feel burnt out.

My DH does help around the house but he has a busy job so he’s rarely home. Mentally I just feel worn out. Raising them has been incredibly hard and I feel like I’ve run out of resilience. The company I work for are really nice and the role was initially a full time, all year round post so I don’t think there’s the possibility to drop hours as it’s a busy role.

Financially we are okay and although the money is nice to have, we would be able to manage. But part of me feels like I’d be sponging off my husband if I didn’t financially contribute though which is why I’ve been reluctant to leave. We don’t have any outside help like a cleaner or anything and we have one set of elderly parents locally but the youngest child is violent and is too much for them to manage. I’m not fussed about the everyday chores it’s more about lacking in mental energy to manage my children and support their needs. I feel lazy even suggesting not working but at the moment it feels like no one is getting enough of what they need from me.

If your DH is onboard then why not? You’d have your carer’s allowance so at least a little bit of money coming in.

I would look to change jobs to a part-time role and see how I go. You could try working 2 days a week for instance?

do it. Stay at home with the kids as long as you can.

I'm an outlier though - a feminist who thinks children need their mothers to be their primary carers. Not a popular view on here.

If you can afford it then I would stay at home. The problem with working part time is you won't be able to claim carers allowance as earning more than £139 each week.

Could you look to move jobs to a less demanding role with less hours?

I'm sorry, it's sounds like you're being pulled in many different directions. I'm not surprised you're exhausted. I would talk to your manager to see if there are options to reduce your hours - even in a different role - but I understand completely how you just need a break. Would your employer be open to a career break, maybe this would help you recover some of your energy in the meantime?

I think it’s more people worry what would happen after a split when one person has no earning power.

Anyway, I don’t think it’s a terrible idea OP, but I also think you need to address with your husband why he does so little or you will be in the same situation in 10 years.

If possible, try and find something for a couple of days a week. 4.5 days is a lot with SN kids. Properly PT would just mean you stay in touch with your career should you ever need it.

As a teacher in a special school for children with Autism, I say go for it. I've spent years working with parents that just need to catch a break. It is hard for them!!!

If you want a bit of something outside of the home, find a part time role that gives you a little income. If you're not bothered, and everything is covered on your husbands wage/caters allowance etc then embrace that sahm role - school holidays come around very quickly, and realistically, by the time you've dropped off and got home, there isn't a vast amount of time before you're heading out on the school run again to pick up.

Give yourself and your household the gift of time!!!

I’m lucky the kids get transport so no school runs. Unless we have issues with the taxi company. Last year my youngest was kicked off their taxi so I ended up doing the school run.

I switched jobs at the end of last year as my last environment wasn’t great. The people in the new company are really nice but the role was advertised as full time all year round and they offered me 32 hours and term time only. In reality for me it’s feeling like too much. I don’t feel I can ask to cut to even fewer hours as coming back to work after 6 weeks off, I felt so out of the loop and I’m playing up at the moment.

My Dh and I rub along well. We don’t argue and we’re pretty happy. I do worry that if we split that money would be an issue. I think it’s more likely we’d only split as I’m quite stressed trying to manage things. My DH does his best around the house with the time he has. I think it’s the mental things that take it out of me. My youngest is quite violent towards me, my middle child is quite depressed and alongside their asd has a lot of emotional issues and although we have a neurotypical child, he’s feeling the pressure of his gcse year.

I have tried looking for even more part time roles but remote working that is term time only is so so rare it feels like it doesn’t exist.

very tricky to fathom - it would concern me too that you know you’re facing long term care needs when they’re adults so the window for mentally recharging is small and the future doesn’t look brighter for earning.

sit your dh down and make sure he’s happy with you not working and go over all of the finances day to day, over 5 years, when you’re pensioners etc. My main concern would be that this’ll be the time that you could save a bit more for luxuries later, and getting by is well and good but it sounds like it’s only going to get harder to work for you, not easier?

Much sympathy - I can completely see why in your shoes 4.5 days pw term time is too much.

Do it! It sounds like you are stretched extremely thin - being all things to all people and that isnt sustainable. Something has to give, if you can afford not to work - give yourself and your family the gift of your time.

I say do it. My son has additional needs and I don't work outside the home. It would honestly push me over the edge If I had to factor that into my day along with everything else.

It sounds incredibly stressful and I have a great deal of sympathy. I have to say personally being reliant on someone else financially would scare the living daylights out of me but in your case I think it’s very understandable.

Whats does your DH think?

could you stay at home for another couple of years? I wouldn’t want to be a SAHM forever.

I do worry about money for the future but my DH earns well and there should be an increase with an additional role he’s getting. If I stopped working and claimed carers we would be down about £1000 a month which feels like a lot. I feel like the window for working if I keep plugging on is small as my middle dc will have to go back into mainstream post 16 unless they go to a residential college which they won’t cope with as they’d want to be at home. I hate the thought of not earning but balancing it all is stressful. My hair is falling out, I’m very overweight and I’ve developed a skin condition which I think might be stress related. It’s weighing up saving some money for the future v mentally and physically being prepared for full care for the rest of my life when the kids are post 19.

@Thepeopleversuswork, it does scare me not earning. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll have a choice after a certain age as to whether I’m a sahm as there’s not much in the way of care for adults with special needs. A lot of people with the type of Sen my dc have don’t work. My middle dc will likely need a lot of support and it’ll probably only be a part time job if that (I’m not doing them down as they’re absolutely lovely but have a lot of anxiety, executive functioning issues and a mental health issue) and my youngest is 11 and non verbal, aggressive behaviours and is very unlikely to work even in a very supportive Sen environment. Residential colleges if we get a place would be from 19-25 then it’s likely they’d come home. The social worker we have said there’s some day centres but not many and nothing locally. So being a full time carer is probably going to be my future.

What i'd do:
Speak with DH and ensure he's onboard with 1. You quitting 2. Him continuing to do what he does do around the house / with the kids. This isn't an excuse for him to stop parenting.

Speak with work. Be frank. Ask if there's any scope to look at a job share. Concede it's cheeky but you didn't want to quit having no asked.
If they agree, and you can agree a timescale, do it. You get time to yourself without becoming just Mom, wife, carer.
If they say they can't, hand on your notice.

Make sure you're claiming and Carers and UC etc. Don't feel that the DLA for the kids has to accumulate in their account for a future date. It's for their needs so make sure you are using it. You might already, but I know some people don't.

Pick something else up. A free online course, a mid week reading group, a craft club. Somewhere you're Stella, not Mom or Wife.

When you provide the primary care for his children, you aren't sponging off him, you're providing a service he cannot do not would want to pay the going rate for.

Thank you there’s a lot to think about. I think DH doesn’t really feel the impact of me working as it doesn’t interfere with his job. I have to clock off early to watch one of our children as they need supervision and then I’m doing dinner and bed time. I just feel bone tired of working a busy job alongside doing all the caring and house stuff. The house stuff I’m not so bothered about it’s more the exhaustion of caring for the kids. One is very very challenging, I get daily messages from his specialist school about how tricky he’s been and one needs significant emotional support. I’m just not sure I have the mental energy anymore to keep all these plates spinning.