To feel anger at mum for childhood?

[ellie09]

I should note, I have a good relationship with my mum - I see her once a week, we go out for lunch, she helps out with DS etc.

However there are parts of my childhood still bring up some anger at times, especially since having my DS.

My dad died at age 6 and we moved country so we could be closer to my mums family. I formed a really good relationship with my maternal grandparents.

After about a year of being home, I would have been picked up by my grandmother after school on a Friday and stayed overnight at hers every week until after lunchtime on a Saturday. My grandparents also collected me after school, gave me dinner etc as my mum worked until 5pm.

My mum had started dating again when I was around 8/9 and I vaguely remember meeting around 2-3 men before she eventually met my step dad.

Within about a year, my mum was pregnant with my 2nd sister (I have one sister from my dad before he died) and she was also engaged. She had my 2nd sister when I was around 10 and our house became rather full - we lived in a 3 bed end terrace, so I ended up sharing with my sister.

Moving on 3 years, my mum got pregnant again, this time it was a planned pregnancy. I had questioned where the baby would go, saying I already was sharing with one sister and my GCSEs were looming the following year with nowhere to study.

Her solution to this was to house me full time with my grandmother, so I had went to live with her from 14 years old and did so until moving out when I was 18.

I didn't feel much at the time, as like I said, I had a great relationship with my grandparents. However, once I had DS I was so conflicted as I couldn't imagine ever letting one of my children NOT live with me.

I'm not particularly close with my two youngest sisters as we hadn't lived with each other. My 2nd sister has a resentment towards me for "leaving her behind" and said she became essentially the "odd one out" so our relationship came behind strained at times.

AIBU to think that my mum shouldn't have had more children if no means to have them under one roof?

I would never dream of doing this to DS and it even breaks my heart thinking about it.

I think our feelings and thoughts about our childhood become more prominent once we have our own children.

Like you, I have a good relationship with my mum. I visit a couple of times a week, ring every day and she’s a good person. But there are things I remember about my childhood (her drinking/ rows and shouting/ left to my own devices from an early age) which we don’t speak about but I look at my children and think I would never have let them see what I saw.

I imagine lots of people feel the same, especially when they have their own children. It’s good you’re on good terms with your mum, like me. But it is sad too.

Some may say discuss it with your mum. My mum’s 80, I think I’ll let sleeping dogs lie.

When we have children it can make us look again at our childhood. Things we accepted when young look different when you think about the parental decision-making.

Talking to a counsellor could help. Or if you have the right kind of relationship, you could ask your mum for more info.

YANBU at all - can I ask though - just to clarify - your sister from your Dad - was she living with you? Why did your 2nd sister feel the 'odd one out?'

YANBU at all - my set up was different from yours - I had my 2 parents and was an only child living in a large house affluent area. But my childhood was abusive - emotionally - my mum used the get drunk, force me into friendships, get aggressive and was very unfairly critical of me

I agree it’s very odd to move your child out of your home at an age where they still need you.

I know I will never talk to my mum about abandoning me as a child so I won’t tell you to do this either, but that would probably be the healthiest option… therapy though, talk it through with someone who just listens to the young girl inside you. X

All 3 of my sisters stayed with my mum and step dad and I moved with my grandparents. She often tells me the youngest two were favouritised as children and that's why she acted out and was such a horrible teenager.

I would be closest to my full sister but my two youngest sisters, I feel I have next to no bond with. My mum has asked me about this before and I have told her, what did she expect when I wasn't living in their house when they were growing up.

I had a great 4 years living with my grandparents who spoiled me rotten and gave me a lot of love. I became very close to my grandmother who I see as a second mum, and when she died, I had a mental breakdown.

Its only when you look back, you realize how messed up your parents decisions were.

My two youngest are still at home (they're 19 and 16 now) and from around 10 years ago, have all had their own room, have been taken on random holidays and trips while me and my other sister have been in our council housing trying to make sense of our childhood.

I get she's in a much better situation now, financially etc, but I already know in my head, I only have room for one more child, and I certainly wouldn't be planning on any more than that.

I've had therapy and spoken about this, and it did make me realize I had a right to be angry somewhat.

Ah thanks for clarifying- that makes sense OP. I had such a different childhood from you - only child of 2 only children in a large spacious house - but I can relate to you in the fact that the more I look back, the more I feel my parents made awful decisions - underhandedly forced a friendship with a girl who knocked my confidence, my mum cut my hair into an awful style when j didn't want it, she called me clumsy, fat, and was often hammered and aggressive when j came home from school. At 18 when I got with my partner she tried to sabotage our relationship.

Yes it was definitely selfish that your mum did to you OP

YANBU.
Your mums actions were hurtful. I wonder if step dad was desperate for a second child and your mum priotised the new relationship.
But thank goodness for your grandparents, its possible that in some ways you were better off there than staying at home like you second sister.
Consider talking to your mum, in a calm way, maybe you just need to say it out loud to her but she may not want to acknowedge the hurt caused.