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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut people off from DC lives.. and how?

26 replies

Jc56 · 16/09/2023 09:14

This has been eating away at me for years I just feel so confused
I had no contact with my dad from age 1 to 14. When we came in contact again I met his wife (they got married when I was 2), my step sister and my step brother who are both a few years older than me. I've met step brother once he lives hours away and I never speak to him. My step sister and I was very close and she has 1 DC. I have 2 Dc, with me and my sisters children being very close in age.

When my DD was born (their first grandchild) they DOTED on her. Presents, sleepovers, meals out, they wanted to spend so much time with me and DD it was lovely. My nephew and my DS was born 2 years later a few weeks apart and this is when I noticed that things felt off with them.

Especially during covid, they stopped seeing me and my DC and still saw my sister regularly (she would post it on FB when my step mum would literally lie to me on text saying they wasn't seeing anyone because of covid or the restrictions at the time). They stopped asking to have my DC for sleepovers and when I asked once if they could babysit overnight for me they said no and that they only look after my nephew because my sister works full time, I work part time apparently I didn't need any help.

I've remained civil for the past few years now, seen them a handful times and I've noticed a pattern. My step mum says she is constantly working and busy and has no time to see us (she sees my sister and nephew nearly everyday though I see this on social media all the time). They are only free to see us to drop off christmas/my DS birthday presents (his birthday is near christmas), my birthday in Febuary and DD birthday in July.

I felt a bit miffed last year when DD turned 5 and they gave her a card with £5 in. She was happy but I knew my nephew got much more for his birthdays and Christmas off them and they actually spend time with him. DD and DS barely know them now. On one visit to their new house (we now all live within a 5 minute drive of each other so i don't understand how they can be SO busy they haven't got time!) I went to the toilet and had a nosey in their spare bedroom. It was decorated for a child and had 4 photos of my nephew and one of my DC and a big basket of my nephews toys.

I just don't understand it. It really racks my brain. I've never been a CF with them asking for things, I've never asked to borrow money or something, I've asked them to babysit once, I'm always polite when I go and we do enjoy having a brew together. I feel like my step mum just doesn't want me and DC she would rather have one grandson it really upsets me.

I do text my dad from time to time but he is useless and barely replies and step mums messages are becoming less and less. I statted sending her less updates about the kids and waited for her to message. For DD sports day I sent a pic of her on the 6th July and my step mum replied asking if she enjoyed sports day on the 5th August.

She messaged me last week saying it's been so long since we've seen each other and I can come for a brew tomorrow if I like. I agreed and said I would bring dc. Now I'm wishing I'd said hold on a minute, I've suggested going for a meal or saying I can pop down on a Thursday for example but you say you're always too busy! If I go tomorrow I probably won't see them till their Christmas drop off again 😔

I feel like I need to grow a backbone and say something but my heart hurts for when I was a little girl wanting a relationship with them, I feel rejected all over again and I hurt for DC as they are lovely, easy going children.

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 16/09/2023 09:17

The issue is your dad

ExtraOnions · 16/09/2023 09:19

…is your stepsister you stepmothers biological child ?

jeaux90 · 16/09/2023 09:20

Your dad is the problem here.

GreenIsTheMagicColour · 16/09/2023 09:21

Can I ask why you didn't see your dad 'til you were 14? That's your issue right there.

It's natural that your step-mum has a close relationship with her own children and grandchildren.

It sounds like she facilitated your relationship with your dad but now she's got her hands full with her own DGC, your dad isn't stepping up and making any effort.

Original poster
Jc56 · 16/09/2023 09:21

I have mentioned this to a friend before who said it sounds like step mum controls the narrative to my dad. When she messaged asking if I want to come round for a brew, she messaged again 10 minutes later to let them know if I can't make it and we can rearrange. I think I've cancelled plans once in the past 5 years because DS was sick 🥺 it felt like she wanted me to say actually I can't come..

I have debated texting my dad privately to let him know how I feel but I just don't know how to approach the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jc56 · 16/09/2023 09:22

Both step siblings are my step mums biological children. My dad left my mum when I was 1 and told her he wasn't interested in seeing me, dodged child maintenance etc maybe that says it all😔

OP posts:
GreenIsTheMagicColour · 16/09/2023 09:23

Yep, that does say it all, I'm afraid.

Leftphalange100 · 16/09/2023 09:24

I agree the problem is your dad. Your nephew is your step mums biological grandchild and as your sister is her biological child, they were always going to have a closer relationship. Your dad is the useless one, I'm so sorry your going through this hurt and rejection again.

Original poster
Jc56 · 16/09/2023 09:24

I think I'm hurt that it wasn't always like this with step mum like I said when Dd Was born she absolutely doted on her. And sometimes I compare this to my partners parents

His step mum also has biological grandchildren but she treats all of them the same and has never favoured one over the other. I understand that my step mum may naturally be closer towards her daughter and grandson but i feel completely alienated rather than trying to bring us all together

OP posts:
Leftphalange100 · 16/09/2023 09:26

I think the only way forward is to speak privately to your dad, and then see how he reacts and if things move forward.

jeaux90 · 16/09/2023 09:28

Your friend who said your step mum is controlling the narrative has evidence for that?

Your father has shown you all the way who he is, this situation is on him.

You need to speak to him and if it doesn't deliver the outcome you want then you go NC if you want.

Purplewarrior · 16/09/2023 09:29

Oh mate, I do feel for you and I do understand. I have also been that rejected little girl.

Your dads wife only met you as a teenager, and really, she owes you nothing. Just respect and civility but nothing more.

Your dad is the issue here. He’s just not interested in family life. The only reason the other DGC are present is because DSM is instigating that contact with her own DC. She isn’t responsible for managing her husband’s family relationships as well, she just isn’t.

There’s nothing wrong with you or your children. Your dad is faulty. He doesn’t have it in him to be a proper dad or grandad. Don’t imagine he’s doting on the step sisters family. He probably moans about them all the time.

Be kind to yourself.

Saschka · 16/09/2023 09:31

Did your dad dote on your DC, or was it mostly your stepmum? I suspect it was mostly your stepmum driving this, probably because she likes babies, and then when she had a biological grandchild she just transferred that energy to them.

It is crap - you can’t pick up and put down a family member like that, especially when we are talking about a child. But it really, really sounds like it is them and not you.

Your dad I’m sorry to say sounds like he has always been useless and a lost cause.

(edited for a typo)

Original poster
Jc56 · 16/09/2023 09:31

I sent screenshot of me and step mums texts. I can't remember the exact conversations but the jist of it was I'd text my dad with ideas about meeting up and step mum would message me separately saying they couldn't because XYZ. It was only small things to do like, meeting up for dinner in a few weeks, or if they'd like to come to mine for a catch up

OP posts:
Original poster
Jc56 · 16/09/2023 09:33

I'd say step mum doted more. But my dad surprised me too, for example one weekend they had DD she was about 6 months old and had a temp in the night. My dad apparently rocked her to sleep and stayed up all night checking her. He was very loving with Dd up until things started to crumble when she was about 2 I think

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 16/09/2023 09:33

Stop blaming your stepmother please- gosh, it's awful to always see women blaming other women. It is not her job to facilitate the relationship. It is your dad's responsibility. I am sorry you are going through this - you deserve better from your dad.

LanaLane · 16/09/2023 09:34

Communication.

I would sit with your SM and DF, talk and listen.

Together, they can’t blame the other.

Keep calm, plan the key things you need to say.
Don't blame.

Phrases like ‘l feel…’ are useful because they can't disagree with how you feel. Remember no blame - so not ‘you make me feel’ - as they will go into defence mode.

Original poster
Jc56 · 16/09/2023 09:36

I'm not trying to blame her. I loved this woman a lot as a teenager we was very very close. I'm just trying to work out why neither of them want to make an effort

OP posts:
Saschka · 16/09/2023 09:38

Sapphire387 · 16/09/2023 09:33

Stop blaming your stepmother please- gosh, it's awful to always see women blaming other women. It is not her job to facilitate the relationship. It is your dad's responsibility. I am sorry you are going through this - you deserve better from your dad.

If they had never been interested I would totally agree this is nothing to do with the stepmother. But to blow hot and cold like this, super-enthusiastic at first then dropped like a stone when there’s a biological grandchild on the scene - no, that warrants some criticism.

It’s very cruel on the grandchild who had an independent relationship with her, sleepovers etc, and now doesn’t understand why she doesn’t see her any more. That isn’t right.

We can criticise OP’s dad separately, for never being interested in the first place.

LanaLane · 16/09/2023 09:39

Also be positive with them - ask ‘how can this be different going ahead? And agree together what your family life will look like.

As far as phone communication, a group WhatsApp is great. Again, everyone knows what everyone is saying.

Do you also have a partner that can be part of all of this. Perhaps he/she has an objective view.
Meeting with them two of you, meeting with two of them, also balances out, giving you support.

Original poster
Jc56 · 16/09/2023 09:42

This is how I feel about it too. If she had never bothered with Dd, no sleepovers, no Facebook posts about LOVING being a nana to her, no presents, no "can I take her to the park after work please", I wouldn't feel that bothered.

I think what I'm trying to say is I'm not asking for them for a lot! I don't care if they never babysit for me again (I don't think they would anyway), I don't want presents for the DC off them. I just wish they loved them (or showed it) like they used to do.. and that goes for both of them 😔

OP posts:
zingally · 16/09/2023 09:44

Of course your step-mum is more interested in her biological daughter and her biological grandkids. That's just how it works.

It actually sounds like you have quite a good level of contact with her, considering she didn't raise you, and didn't even meet you until you were 14.

I'd suggest that you don't have a step-mum problem, but you DO have a bio-dad problem. Yet he hardly gets a mention in this post.

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2023 09:57

Sapphire387 · 16/09/2023 09:33

Stop blaming your stepmother please- gosh, it's awful to always see women blaming other women. It is not her job to facilitate the relationship. It is your dad's responsibility. I am sorry you are going through this - you deserve better from your dad.

Why not?

Step mum made all the running and then dumped them when her biological grandchildren came along

If she's always been disinterested then fair enough but that wasn't the case.

So I think the OP#'s right to be hurt

BoohooWoohoo · 16/09/2023 10:05

I understand why you are blaming stepmum over your dad but past behaviour shows that your dad was always unlikely to be interested in your child. In fact I would say that any interest shown in the past was thanks to your stepmother rather than stepmother controlling him.

It is cruel that they doted on your child then dropped them but chasing after their approval and time is a waste of time and effort. They clearly only do what they want to do and you will never convince them that you are worthy of their love and care. It will be easier for you to accept their decision and assume that they will only see your children to drop off gifts twice a year. Would moving away closer to the people in your life who care make you feel better ?

You or your child haven't done anything wrong here. They are demonstrating that you were never as important to them as your stepsister (golden child) and your child was temporary filler until golden child had a child. I know that you are biologically programmed to want your dad's love and approval but his past behaviour is full of red flags and he can't give you what you want from him. That's a tough pill to swallow but your dad is the problem here.

LanaLane · 16/09/2023 10:38

As above, once you've communicated with them, to try and change things, sometimes acceptance is easier.

My own parents are not that interested in me or my DC’s. They have more contact with my DB’s DC’s. I've come to accept it. They are the ones missing out on my fabulous kids.
I have lowered my contact, I don't seek out any information about their other DGC’s.
I surround my DC’s with adults who do care, including my lovely MIL ( partners mum so not blood related to me or my DC’s - but so much more a grandparent)

Sad, but acceptance, after lots of heartache is easier for me to manage.

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